


Be Your Last

by ArwenLalaith



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, F/F, Homophobia, Secret Relationship, Teen Angst, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 46
Words: 47,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24045586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArwenLalaith/pseuds/ArwenLalaith
Summary: AU. At sixteen years old, there were a lot of things Emily didn't want: she didn't want to go to algebra, she didn't want to listen to her mother's incessant nagging, she didn't want to hide who she really was...  The one thing she did want?  Alex Miller...
Relationships: Alex Blake/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 7
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

Under the cover of the darkness of the theatre, Emily's lips travelled along her girlfriend's neck.

As Emily's teeth grazed below her ear, Alex couldn't help but giggle, the sound ringing out through the quiet theatre. Almost immediately, she tried to stifle the sound by clapping a hand over her mouth. "Emily..." she whispered, scolding gently, "You're missing the movie."

"It's a boring movie," she murmured, the words vibrating against her skin.

"You're the one who wanted to see it," Alex countered, "I don't even speak Russian." Her protestations were admittedly weak, but she still felt like she should at least _pretend_ to be annoyed, even if Emily's hand wandering along her thigh was making it extremely difficult to speak coherently.

Emily rolled her eyes, even though Alex couldn't see it. "When I said we should see a movie, I didn't actually mean _see_ the movie..." Truthfully, she'd only picked _Solaris_ because it was long and boring and _Russian_ and it was the last place she could imagine running into anyone they knew.

Alex raised a brow. "You wanted to go somewhere and sit in the dark?"

"And make out," she supplied as if it should be obvious. She detached herself from her neck to look up at her with mischievous eyes. "I can stop...if you want?"

She gave a long-suffering sigh, but couldn't hide her smirk as she leaned in for a proper kiss. "Okay, but you know the rules..."

When they'd first started dating, they'd agreed to a set of rules that would make it easier to hide their relationship. In this instance, she was referring to the rule that she wasn't allowed to leave any marks on her that her parents might spot and ask questions about.

She sighed softly, glanced down at the sticky theatre floor where she scuffed the toe of one shoe against the other. "I know, I just... I wish we didn't have to hide."

Alex tucked a stray lock of hair behind Emily's ear with so much tenderness it made her shiver. "I know, Jo," she murmured. A small smile flitted across Emily's lips at the term of endearment, but it was just was quickly gone as she continued, "But this is how it has to be right now, you know that."

"I know," Emily agreed, albeit sadly. Her melancholy only lasted for a moment, though, before she once again affixed her lips to Alex's neck, continuing where they'd left off as if they hadn't been interrupted.

"You're incorrigible," Alex said with laughter, but she tilted her head back to give Emily better access.

"Hey, if I've only got a short while with you, I'm going to put it to good use..."

* * *

"Where did you tell your parents you were?" Emily asked as she pulled her car into the driveway of Alex's parent's house. Now that the evening was coming to an end, her amorous mood had taken a decided downturn.

"They think I'm tutoring a girl who just moved here from Italy," she said (which was half true). She saw the twinge of sadness that crossed Emily's face and immediately felt guilty, even though they'd both known from the beginning that they couldn't tell the truth. "Oh, Em, you know I'd tell the truth if I could...but my parents..."

"I know, I know," she said. And she _did_. They'd been through this before, but that didn't make it any easier. Silently, she laced her fingers with Alex's, staring down at their joined hands with a watery smile. "Sometimes, I wish we could just...run away and be together," she said wistfully, even if they both knew that could never happen.

Alex squeezed her hands in a gesture of solidarity. "Someday, Jo," she vowed, not sure if either of them actually believed that. She leaned in for a kiss that Emily readily gave, even if it lacked her normal spark.

As she pulled away, Emily couldn't help but smile fondly, biting down on her lip to quash it.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

"My lipstick, actually." She giggled in spite of the sombre mood in the car, then licked her thumb and wiped at the smear of red on her lips. She watched Alex's face blanch a little as she pulled down the visor to examine herself in the mirror. She understood the fear in her eyes and, without comment, reached into the glovebox to pull out a package of makeup wipes.

Alex took one with a grateful smile and wiped furiously at the lipstick smears.

Emily tried not to let sadness leech into her voice again as she asked, "When can I see you again?"

"You see me everyday at school," Alex teased, even though it really wasn't that funny, but she had no choice but to attempt levity lest she succumb to the building ache in her heart that appeared every time they had to say goodbye.

"You know what I mean," she corrected, " _Alone_."

She sighed. "Soon," she insisted, even if she had no idea when exactly _soon_ would be. "I have to go on a couple of college tours, but when I'm back, I promise we'll do something special." She offered a tight smile.

"I'm going to hold you to that," Emily vowed, wearing that same smile. Proper dates were few and far between and she cherished each and every one of them as if it might be their last because truthfully, they never knew.

"I love you," Alex murmured. She kissed her goodbye, then climbed out of the car, shutting the door as quietly as possible so she wouldn't alert her parents.

"I love you too..." Emily echoed, even though she was already gone. Even if Emily had no doubt that she did, in fact, love her, part of her couldn't help but feel that things would be so much easier if she just...didn't. She already knew though that she wouldn't trade this feeling for anything...

And, if she cried on the way home, well...Alex didn't need to know that.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex was the first person Emily had ever truly loved.

Of course, the first time they'd met, she'd never thought they'd find themselves here...

Actually, she hadn't expected to like her at all.

They'd first met when Emily's mother was transferred back to DC and Emily was forced to switch schools yet again. At fifteen, she'd already been enrolled in four different high schools by the time she ended up State-side for the first time since she'd learned to walk.

And, while she'd been content to stick to her plan of flying under the radar until she graduated and could head off to college and never look back, her mother had other plans... She had insisted Emily join an extra-curricular to pad her college applications, so she'd chosen debate club, as it had seemed the least intrusive to her life (not that she'd had much of a life to intrude upon...). (Not to mention, debating was kind of her thing...if fifteen years with her mother was any indication.)

She hadn't anticipated finding Alex Miller to be the debate team's star student.

Alex Miller was the kind of girl Emily naturally loathed. She was beautiful, smart, and popular. She was on the honour roll, she was the star of the track team, she was a feature player in student government, model UN, and apparently...debate club.

She had the picture perfect life. The kind of life that Emily would have _killed_ for.

Nothing in Emily's life was perfect. Not her family, not her (nonexistent) social life, not her academics, not her sexuality...

So, of course the one person she least wanted to see was the person the faculty adviser paired her up with for her first practice debate.

"Emily, you'll be arguing in favour of gay marriage," the adviser delegated, "Alex, you'll argue against."

* * *

By the end of the debate, Emily was absolutely _furious_. (She'd won the debate, but Alex had said all the bullshit bigotry her mother constantly spouted that made her hate herself and she appeared to have no shortage of supporters for her argument if the applause she'd received was any indication.)

She was aggressively cramming her books back into her backpack when someone cleared their throat next to her, startling her. Looking up sharply, she immediately glowered. "Oh, it's _you_..." She ground down on her back teeth to keep from lashing out and saying words that would no doubt land her in detention.

Alex at least had the decency to look guilty. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" she asked softly, as if afraid of being overheard.

"Why would I want to talk to you?" Emily replied rather acerbically. She apparently had no such compunctions against eavesdroppers listening in.

"That's fair," Alex conceded, holding her hands up in a gesture of surrender. "It's just..." She glanced down at the floor, almost shyly. "I hope you don't think I believe any of those things I said up there."

That had been the last thing Emily anticipated her saying. "Wh-what?" she stammered, entirely unable to contain her surprise. Briefly, she wished she'd had the wherewithal to say literally anything else, something that wouldn't have made her sound so caught off guard.

"I said some really horrible things about the gay community and I'd hate for you to think for a single second that I genuinely hold those beliefs," she explained. She worried her bottom lip with her teeth in a way that Emily hated herself for finding it adorable.

"Why are you telling me this?" she eventually managed to ask, forcing herself to tear her eyes away from Alex's adorably awkward nervous tic. She couldn't think of a single reason why someone like Alex Miller would care what a nobody like herself thought of her.

She didn't seem to have an answer for that...

* * *

It would take approximately three months before Emily figured out the answer to that question. (Or, rather, was metaphorically slapped in the face by the answer, as it were.)

She was driving Alex home after a debate meet at a rival school across town, the silence between them unusually awkward and oppressive. The two of them couldn't exactly be considered friends, but Emily no longer carried an all-consuming hatred for the other girl. Not that she'd ever actually admit that, prideful as she was.

Alex surprised both of them, then, when she suddenly burst out, "I'm gay."

Emily nearly slammed the car into the bumper of the car stopped ahead of them at the light. "What!?" she sputtered, whipping her head around to fix Alex with an incredulous stare. "Why... Why are you telling _me_?"

Almost immediately, she seemed to shrink back in on herself. "I don't know, I... I mean... I know you are too and..."

"Wait, what?" Emily interrupted. "Why... Why would you think I'm gay?"

Alex winced, shrugged. "Well...aren't you?"

Gesturing concedingly, Emily supposed it didn't really matter how exactly she'd worked out the truth. "What does that have to do with you?"

Staring down at her hands where she was picking imaginary lint off her jeans, she let out a shaky breath and admitted, "I like you, Emily. And I know that up until and possibly including now you've hated my guts, but I just... I had to say something." By the last word, her voice had decreased in volume to the point where it was barely audible.

For once, Emily was well and truly speechless.

"And now that I've said that, I'm going to go stand in front of a car before I die of mortification," Alex muttered, more to herself than Emily.

Emily pulled the car into the nearest driveway without a word and threw the car in park.

"Where are we?" Alex asked, looking from the foreign house to Emily in quick succession. Her eyes were wide and almost frightened, as if she expected Emily would throw her out of the car and make her walk. "This isn't my house..."

The next moment, Emily had her lips on Alex's.


	3. Chapter 3

"How's college life so far?" Emily asked wistfully as she answered Alex's Facetime call. She couldn't wait to leave for college. To leave her mother and the loveless sterile mansion that had always been more of a cage than a home, and actually have a _life_ that was her own.

"I don't think a weekend tour counts as 'college life'," Alex replied. But she said it with a smile just a bit too wide for Emily's liking...which meant she was having _fun_. Without her.

Emily huffed, leaning heavily back against the stack of decorative pillows on her bed. "God, I'm _so_ jealous!" she said with a dramatic pout.

"Don't be," Alex insisted. "Georgetown is decidedly _not_ glamourous _._ " As if to prove her point, she flipped the camera on her phone to show Emily the dingy dorm room she was spending the night in.

"I hate you so much right now..." she whined.

"You do not." She rolled her eyes, but smiled fondly at Emily's childish reaction. She sighed, pulled her knees up under her chin. "I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to say goodbye before I left," she lamented. "It seems like my parents are watching me every second. It's like living in a Communist State... I cannot _wait_ to leave this hell hole."

Emily nodded her agreement, understanding the sentiment better than anyone. "I can't believe I have to wait a whole _year_ to join you at college... I don't know how I'm going to survive it alone."

There were so many things she could have said in that moment like, _'It'll be okay'_ (it wouldn't) or _'A year isn't that long_ (it was) or even _'You'll never be alone'_ (which wasn't really true). Instead, she said the one thing she knew she could stand by, "I wish you were here with me."

Emily's grin turned mischievous. "Alexandra Claire Miller, are you getting fresh with me?"

Alex snorted with laughter. "I wasn't, but I'm sure if you were here, I'd be thankful they have me a solo room."

Emily waggled her brows playfully to mask the hint of sadness in her smile. She would have given _anything_ to have a weekend alone together...

Alex just shook her head, smiling softly. "Behave," she warned.

She had half a dozen lascivious remarks on the tip of her tongue, but – though her mother was out of town – there were still far too many ears in the house for her to be comfortable that she wouldn't be overheard. "So, tell me everything," she demanded, changing the subject to safer grounds.

"It was just a boring tour of the campus. We sat in on a lecture. Overly cheerful people told us what a great school it is... There's really nothing to tell." She paused, thought. "Except for the guy leading the tour who kept hitting on me."

"What?" Emily yelped.

She shrugged. "Just some college jerk," she dismissed. "You know how they are – smile at them once and they think you'll let them in your pants."

"I don't like it," Emily declared firmly. "Who is this guy? I'll come down there and..."

Alex laughed. "I think I can handle one horny college loser on my own." She cocked her head, reading Emily's emotions all too easily. "Don't worry, Jo, I've got no interest in anyone but you."

"You'd better not," she said gravely.

There was a knock on he dorm room door then interrupting any further assurances she might've made. She looked up sharply, brow raised quizzically as she wasn't expecting any visitors. "I have to go – someone's at the door. But I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I love you."

"Love you too. Be good." Emily blew her a kiss, then signed off, albeit wistfully.

When Alex answered the door, she found the tour guide from earlier standing there looking rather awkward as if he wasn't entirely sure he should be there. "Can I help you?" she asked, not entirely impressed by his presence.

"Hey," he greeted with a little half wave. "I'm James – I was the, umm..."

"The tour guide," she finished for him. "I remember."

"Right. Anyway... I was wondering if, well, maybe you wanted to go to a party tonight?" he rambled. "The student union is throwing a little party for all the prospective students and..."

"No."

"Why not?" he pressed. If he was surprised at her quickness to turn him down, he did a good job of hiding it.

"Because I'm seventeen, I don't know you, I don't like parties, and I'm seeing someone," she listed. "Oh, and did I mention I'm seventeen?"

"Oh." He glanced down at the floor. "Well, have you eaten dinner yet? I could accompany you to the dining hall or we could grab a coffee or something."

"Look, you seem like a nice guy, but I'm really not interested. I'm not even sure I'm going to go to school here, so..." She shrugged. "You understand."

* * *

As she settled into bed with a glance at her phone to see Emily's goodnight text, she couldn't help but think that things would be a lot easier if she were different... If she had been attracted to James Whatever-his-name-was. If she could just make herself be _straight_.

Pretty much as long as she could remember, she'd known she was attracted to girls. (In fact, her first crush had been on her second grade teacher.) She wasn't _proud_ of it – in fact, for a long time she'd been downright ashamed of it.

Which wasn't exactly surprising, considering the kind of things she'd grown up hearing from her parents. From a young age, she'd heard that being gay was an abomination and that people who chose to be gay deserved to die. She might have still believed those things if they'd remained in Kansas City and everything had remained status quo. But when they moved to DC, she'd been exposed to a whole world of enlightened thinking and she'd gradually unlearned all her self-hatred.

Even so, for a long time, she hadn't allowed herself to have feelings for anyone, had refused to even acknowledge that side of herself because it was safer, it was easier. She felt hollow and empty, like she was missing a part of her soul by denying who she really was, but she'd rather live a half-life than face her family's condemnation.

But then, she'd met Emily and everything had changed...


	4. Chapter 4

Emily dropped unceremoniously into a chair at the table where Alex had cloistered herself to study, displacing several sheaves of paper that had been neatly stacked. "We have to find an easier way to spend time together," she complained in a whisper so they wouldn't be overheard by the other students currently in study hall.

"You mean one that doesn't involve you skipping class to bother me during study hall?" Alex teased as she collected the scattered pages.

She shrugged rather flippantly. "A necessary sacrifice."

"Your grades are not a _necessary sacrifice_ ," she repeated with a roll of her eyes, but a fond smile because even if her line of reasoning was rather specious, the thought behind it was sweet nonetheless. "How do you expect to get into college where we can really be together if you flunk all your courses? Colleges look at your eleventh grade marks too..."

Emily pouted. "But I want to spend time with you _now_..." she whined. "And Algebra is _sooooo_ boring. It's not like I'm going to ever use it again anyway."

"I know, Jo," she agreed because it was, in fact, rather dull. "I want to spend time together too, but I want our _future_ together more."

She was right, but Emily wasn't about to admit that because she was stubborn and childish and really didn't want to go back to class. "Speaking of the future," she diverted the conversation, "Did you decide if Georgetown is the right school for you?" She couldn't help but root for the local university winning if it meant she'd be able to visit on weekends and holidays and maybe even get the chance to be _alone_ together occasionally...

She shrugged, pursed her lips as she decided on the most gentle way to break the news. "I'd prefer somewhere a little farther – where my parents _won't_ visit," she said slowly. "I need more freedom than Georgetown can offer..." She watched Emily's face fall a little more with each word, feeling a heavy guilt sink deeper and deeper in her stomach at the absolutely crestfallen expression on her beautiful features.

"Then how will I see you?" she asked in a whisper, trying not to sound too desperate but unable to help feeling like she was being rejected.

Alex sighed, gaze falling to the table where Emily was picking at her fingernails in a dead giveaway of her anxiety; she would have liked to reach out to hold her hand, but couldn't take that risk in the middle of the library, even if they were hidden from view by a set of shelves. "I know it sucks, Em, but this might have to be a sacrifice we make now so that we can be together later..."

"Promise me..."

"Promise you what, Jo?" Alex asked gently, trying hard to smile like everything was going to be okay.

"Promise me we'll be together. If not now, then someday. And forever," she plead. She was blinking too fast, too hard, fighting a losing battle as she tried to keep her tears from falling.

"Emily, I..."

"I need to hear you say it," she begged, breath hitching. " _Please_ , if you love me, I need you to make me this promise."

In that moment, Alex said _to hell with propriety_ and clasped Emily's hand as tightly as she could. "Jo, listen to me. I _want_ to be with you. And if it takes a year or fifty, so long as I'm alive, I'll never stop wanting that. Okay?"

"That's not what I asked," she whispered, shaking her head slowly, expression enough to break Alex's heart clean in two.

"I... I won't..." She let out a shuddering breath, close to tears herself. "I won't make a promise I can't keep. But I will _try_." She hated the weakness of that promise, of the words, but refused to disappoint Emily like so many people had before her. She swallowed thickly, pushing down the tears and the emotions and all the things she just couldn't deal with in that moment. "Good enough?"

"Good enough," Emily agreed, even if she wasn't sure it was, swallowing her tears and anything else she might've said. She offered a tentative, if watery, smile.

"So, listen," Alex stuttered, changing the subject and praying Emily would go along with it because she was dangerously close to breaking down just then, "I know I promised you a big romantic date and I'm working on it, but it might have to wait a little while longer until I can throw my parents off the scent."

"It doesn't have to be big and romantic," Emily said, grateful for the distraction. "I just want to spend time with you. Hell, _this_ is practically a date." She paused, thought. "I've been on worse dates, actually..."

She let a little laugh bubble up. "Nevertheless, I intend to try a _little_ harder than study hall on a Tuesday afternoon."

"Well, I look forward to it." She couldn't help but smirk, leaving no doubt as to her true meaning.

Alex just rolled her eyes. "Don't get any ideas, Miss Wandering Hands..."

"Mark my words, Alexandra Miller, I _will_ get you all to myself sooner or later."

* * *

As she listlessly trudged up the steps to the front door of her mother's palatial rental house, she attempted to muster up the fortitude to ward off her mother's endless questions and nagging. She really wasn't in the mood to deal with an interrogation today.

When she extended a hand to turn the doorknob, the door unexpectedly swung open and she nearly crashed into the young man exiting. She yelped, jumped back, startled. "Jesus Christ," she hissed, "Way to give me a fucking heart attack..."

The man, on the other hand, seemed entirely unfazed. "You must be the Ambassador's daughter," he said flatly, ignoring her over-the-top reaction.

"Who the hell are you?" she retorted, rather rudely.

"Agent Aaron Hotchner," he answered, extending a hand for her to shake. "I'm with the Bureau. I've been assigned to run security detail for your mother."

"Great," she muttered under her breath. All she needed was _another_ disapproving set of eyes on her, reporting her every move to her mother...


	5. Chapter 5

There was a knock on Alex's bedroom door, disturbing her attempt to focus on her World Literature homework. What was supposed to be an essay about the feminist themes in Ibsen's _A Doll's House_ , however, had turned into her mooning over Emily and wondering whether or not she was upset with her, accompanied by periodic glances at her phone as she waited for a text message.

"Come in," she called out, even if she was reluctant to be disturbed. She subtly hid her phone under her books, just in case it was her parents – who couldn't be trusted not to go through her phone should they become suspicious...

Danny opened the door a crack, peeked his head through the open doorway. "Mom said dinner is almost ready," he relayed.

She would have liked to say she wasn't hungry and avoid dinner altogether, but she couldn't be certain her mother wouldn't come and feel her forehead and declare her fine and 'get down to dinner like everyone else'...

He studied her for a moment, having caught sight of her expression, then frowned. "Okay, what's wrong?"

"Nothing!" she insisted, far too quickly to be honest. For good measure, she held up her hands in surrender. He just stared at her with obvious disbelief until she sighed exasperatedly. "Just...stuff," she begrudgingly admitted.

He came all the way into her room, settling on the edge of her bed. "Feel like sharing?" he asked gently, fixing her with his best brotherly concern expression.

She shot him an _'are you serious?'_ look like he was nuts to think she'd tell him anything and risk it getting back to their parents.

"I promise not to tell Mom and Dad," he vowed. Her expression was still dubious. He added, "Or Scott."

Her face softened, but she still seemed hesitant. Danny was the only person she'd told about Emily. The only person who knew she was gay at all. He was the only person she trusted to keep it a secret...because he had his own secret. Everyone knew the Miller boys were going to be cops. Damon Miller was a cop, his boys would be too. It was just the way things were. But Danny had no intention of going into the 'family business' – Danny Miller was going to be a country music star, come Hell or high water... Alex was the only person who knew, though.

"Is it about Emily?" he asked in a whisper.

She sighed, glanced down at her hands which were wrapped all too tightly around her pen, nearly to the point of breaking it in half. "I think she's upset with me," she admitted quietly. "She hasn't texted me all day and she never goes more than two hours without at least one message..."

"What happened?" he asked gently, trying not to pressure her, but still trying to seem interested.

"I told her I don't think I want to attend Georgetown...which means we won't be able to see each other while I'm at college," she admitted.

"And she feels like you're abandoning her?" he guessed.

She nodded. "It's not like that, though. It's just for a year until she gets into college too. And it's not like we'll never speak – we can still Skype and text and everything. I can come home over Christmas and Spring Break..."

Playing Devil's Advocate, Danny said, "That's assuming she gets into the same school. Or even _wants_ to go to the same school." He paused, then added quietly, "And that nothing changes in a year."

Her face fell as he said the very things she feared. "I really love her and I want to be with her, but I worry that she won't want to wait to be with me when she could be with someone where things aren't so complicated..." she confessed.

"You really think she'd leave?" Her confession surprised him; from what she'd told him, Emily would have laid down her life to be with his sister...

"It's _so_ hard to keep an entire relationship a secret from everyone. All I want to do is shout from the rooftops how much I love her and I can't tell _anyone_ and it sucks! I can't imagine how she feels – her mother is controlling and homophobic, but she's got a trust fund – she doesn't need her mother to survive. Not like I need Mom and Dad..."

"From what you've told me, it doesn't seem like Emily's going anywhere," he said, trying to console her. "If she were going to leave, I'm sure she would've done it already."

"Then what should I do?" she beseeched. "Not to sound like a tragic Shakespearean heroine, but I don't want to live without her..."

"Al, you've got to do what's best for you. Emily will understand that – if she loves you as much as she says, she'll want you to be happy."

She nodded slowly, chewing her lip in thought. "I don't know how I'll survive a year without her, let alone four or more," she lamented.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?" He wasn't sure if he was teasing or not, just trying to lighten the mood.

She glared at him, even if she couldn't stay annoyed with him for long. "Sometimes, I want to just run away from this place, marry Emily, and never look back at this hateful house..."

Danny's face fell. "You wouldn't really leave, would you?" What he meant was, _you wouldn't leave_ me...

"I don't know," she whispered. "I might."

He nodded slowly, but sadly. "I just want you to be happy, Al. And I think Emily makes you happy."

"She does," she agreed softly.

"Then don't let her go," he urged. Then, he smiled, winked. "Maybe I'll write a song about you. If you promise to play it at your wedding."

She snorted with laughter. "If you do, I want royalties," she teased.

From down the stairs, their mother's voice wafted, "Daniel! Alexandra! Get down here and join the family for dinner or there won't be anything left for you! You know the rules: if you're late, you starve!"

Alex rolled her eyes. "I can't wait to go off to college and leave this miserable place behind," she said darkly under her breath, even if it was loud enough for her brother to hear.


	6. Chapter 6

Alex giggled as Danny poured them both a generous tumbler of whatever alcohol they'd swiped from their father's liquor cabinet, spilling it everywhere in the process.

" _Shh_!" he hissed in a stage whisper. They'd both already had a few glasses and were a little tipsy. "Shut up before Dad wakes up and catches us!"

Alex rolled her eyes, snatching up the proffered glass and taking a swig. "This was _your_ idea," she pointed out, then stuck her tongue out childishly. "You're a bad influence...corrupting his one and only precious innocent daughter."

He snorted with laughter. "Innocent my ass," he muttered, pretending to strum an invisible guitar as he hung upside down in their dad's armchair.

Rolling her eyes, she grabbed her phone, intending to type yet another pining text to Emily, but was stopped by Danny falling out of the chair and snatching her phone away. "Hey!" she whined, swiping uselessly at the hand holding her phone.

"Lesson one in drunkenness: don't drunk text!" he scolded.

"But... I need to know if she's mad at me," she bemoaned. "Gimme!" She reached for it again.

"Screw you," he teased. "It's mine now." He pretended to text, **"Oooh, Emily, I looooooove you and want to kiss you and fu..."**

"Danny!" she shrieked. " _Don't_!" She grabbed his wrist and the two of them struggled for possession of the phone.

"Ooops..."

"Ooops what?" Alex asked, decidedly unamused.

"I sent it by accident," he admitted in a meek mumble.

"Danny!" she wailed.

Her phone chirped. **"Are you drunk?"** Emily texted back with several laughing/crying emoji.

She tried to snatch the phone, but Danny moved so she couldn't reach it, grinning like the Cheshire Cat at the opportunity to mess with his kid sister. **"I'm** _ **horny**_ **,"** he texted, ignoring Alex's continued demands that he return the phone.

" **Alexandra Claire Miller!"** Emily scolded, faux scandalized, **"I'm appalled!"**

" **Don't act like you don't want me,"** Danny typed, **"I've seen it in your eyes. You want me."**

" **Perhaps,"** Emily confessed, **"But your parents would kill you if they caught us and so would my mother."**

Finally, Alex managed to grab her phone, steam practically coming out of her ears as she glared at Danny, having seen what he'd typed. **"Emily, I'm so sorry! My stupid brother stole my phone and he's drunk and stupid..."**

Emily grinned to herself, even if Alex couldn't see it. **"So, you don't** _ **want**_ **me?"** she teased.

Alex bit her lip coyly. **"Of course, I do... I just... Well..."**

" **I know, I know,"** she teased. **"But I'm willing to wait."** She shook her head and smiled softly. **"Now go to bed and sober up. You're going to be** **in for a hell of a hangover** **tomorrow..."**

* * *

The clamour of students in the hallway – shouting to friends and slamming locker doors – was making Alex's head pound. Her stomach churned and threatened to revolt, but for the fact that she hadn't eaten breakfast and there was nothing there to throw up. Her vision swam in and out of focus as she tried to concentrate on her locker combination.

It took her a few tries, but when she finally managed to get it open, she was surprised to find that a small pantry had been created: Gatorade, a can of Sprite, bottled water, a sleeve of Saltines, and peanut butter Ritz crackers (her favourite snack). A Post-It note stuck to her locker door announced, _'Told you so...XOXO'_ in Emily's handwriting.

She smiled to herself (as much as she could manage while feeling so utterly miserable) and opened the bottle of water, guzzling greedily as she realized how desperately thirsty she was.

She heard footsteps approach beside her. "You didn't have to do all this," she murmured as they got close, knowing the cadence of Emily's footsteps by heart.

"I remember my first hangover," Emily said by way of answering. "I was twelve and I'd stolen a bottle of claret from the wine cellar – I thought I was dying." She passed her a steaming to-go cup of tea. "Ginger and chamomile," she informed her as she took a wary sip, "It's good for nausea."

"I wish I _was_ dying," Alex muttered. "I don't know how I'm going to survive this day...my head is already killing me and I've got a history test today."

"You could've just stayed home," Emily pointed out.

"My mother would have seen through any excuse in a heartbeat." She shook her head. "I'd rather have her find out than Dad, but still..."

"Why did you do it?" Emily asked gently. "You're not the type to break into a liquor cabinet just on a whim..."

She sighed, leaned her forehead against the cool metal of her locker door. "All evening, my parents droned on and on about some guy on the police force who came out as gay recently like it was a personal slight to them. They think that people only do it to get attention and they should all be horsewhipped until they see sense..." She shook her head faintly, then immediately regretted it as her head swam. "Part of me would _love_ to tell them that _'they'_ includes me too...if it didn't mean being disinherited and living on the streets," she said with a humourless laugh.

" _That's_ why you got wasted?" Emily asked skeptically. Afterall, she knew the Millers' attitude towards the LGBT community was nothing new...

"Well, technically, it was Danny's idea," she admitted. "I don't know how he does it all the time – I'm _never_ drinking again."

Emily laughed softly. She leaned in close, bumping her shoulder against hers in a subtle show of affection. "I'm sorry about yesterday, by the way," she said softly, "I was being a brat. You've got to do what's right for you – it's your future."

"It's _our_ future," Alex corrected earnestly.

She nodded her agreement. "Our future can wait a year – or four – though," she amended. "College isn't forever, but _we_ are."

Alex's smile was soft, fond. "As long as this hangover isn't..." she muttered.


	7. Chapter 7

Emily lead Alex by the hand into the foyer of her mother's rental house, smiling mischievously. "We've got the whole place to ourselves for the _whole_ weekend..." she husked, pulling her into her chest and wrapping an arm around her hips. She leaned in until her lips were ghosting along her neck and whispered, "And I plan on making _excellent_ use of it..." She pressed a soft kiss to her pulse point then.

Alex giggled, leaning into the contact, eyes fluttering shut.

Emily pulled away so she could look into her eyes, faltering when she saw the sudden shyness shining there. "You know we don't have to do this, right?" she said softly.

"I know," Alex insisted, attempting a reassuring smile.

"I'm not in any rush," Emily reassured her yet again.

Alex had confessed early on in the relationship that she had no experience with girls. Or boys. She'd never so much as kissed anyone before Emily, let alone gone any further, and she'd been afraid that Emily – being so much more experienced than her – would find her boring or possibly downright prudish.

Emily, of course, couldn't have cared less. All she cared about was Alex. But no matter how many times she reassured her of that, she knew there was still a part of her that couldn't quite believe it.

"I don't want you to feel pressured into something you're not comfortable with," Emily continued. "We go at your pace." She gently tipped Alex's chin up to look in her eyes before dropping a kiss to her lips.

"I _want_ to," Alex insisted yet again. "I guess I'm just a little nervous..."

Sufficiently reassured, she resumed tugging Alex along towards the stairs leading to her bedroom more than a little eager to finally be _together_...

Before they could get very far, though, they were halted by clicking footsteps echoing in the hallway leading to the study, approaching the foyer, unmistakeably belonging to her mother.

"Shit!" Emily hissed, going white as a sheet. " _Shit_!"

Alex looked at her with concern and confusion. "I thought she was on a business trip?"

"I thought she was! She was supposed to leave this morning..." She dropped Alex's hand like it was a hot coal, just in time for Elizabeth to emerge in the foyer.

"Emily?" Elizabeth asked, brow raised pointedly as she surveyed Alex like she was a particularly unsavory species of insect. "Who's _this_?"

Emily looked from her mother to Alex and back, scrambling for an answer her mother would find suitably appropriate. "Oh, umm... Mother, this is Alex Miller...my, umm, debate team captain." She smiled tersely. "We're going to work on our next meet. In my room. For a few hours."

Several emotions crossed Elizabeth's face simultaneously, settling on distaste, just briefly, before plastering on a diplomatic smile. Extending her hand, she crossed the last few steps between them, greeting, "Hello, Miss Miller. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Alex grimaced, but shook her hand anyway. "You as well, Ambassador."

"Please, call me Elizabeth." She shot Emily a look of irritation. "Emily didn't tell me we were having a guest."

"Mother, I thought you were travelling to Paris," Emily replied, matching her mother's expression, the two women locked in a battle of wills, waiting to see who would be the first to break away.

Ignoring her, Elizabeth announced, "I'll have the chef prepare another plate for dinner."

"Oh, you really don't have to do that..." Alex protested, looking like she'd rather be anywhere but there just then.

"Nonsense. It's no trouble at all," Elizabeth declared, apparently settling the matter for her.

Gritting her teeth, Emily shot her mother a look that might've made a lesser woman drop dead on the spot. "Great. We'll just be up in my room studying."

"Be sure to keep the door open," Elizabeth warned.

* * *

Emily flopped back on her bed, sending decorative pillows flying with the impact. "I am _so_ sorry!" she bemoaned, voice muffled by her hands covering her face to keep herself from screaming out in frustration.

"I'm sure it won't be that bad..." Alex insisted, even if it didn't sound like she believed her own words. She was clearly trying to be nice, even if Elizabeth didn't deserve her kindness.

"She's going to eat you _alive_ ," Emily maintained. "She's already suspicious of me, after what happened in Rome...she's going to just assume we're fucking."

Truthfully, she had no one to blame but herself. When they'd lived in Saudi Arabia, she'd been careless; her mother had caught her making out with her sort-of pseudo-girlfriend after Emily had snuck her into the house one night. As punishment – and to attempt to correct her illicit desires – Elizabeth had moved them to Rome where she'd started taking Emily to church, forcing her to go to Sunday school and youth group and bible study in the hopes that the word of God would make her straight.

She pushed herself to sit up suddenly as an idea struck her. "You have to make up a boyfriend!"

"What?" Alex asked flatly, as if anticipating a punchline.

"Please?" Emily begged. "Just for tonight? My mother will be so much less of a bitch if she thinks you're straight... She'll never believe me, but you have a chance of convincing her that you're _better_...

"I don't want to lie, Em," she whispered, not quite able to meet her eyes.

"Alex, she _will_ tell your parents, she will make it her mission to ruin your life. Or she'll move me to boarding school halfway around the world. Or... Or, I don't know! All I know is that she won't stop until both of us are miserable!"

She got her to her knees and crawled across the bed until she could rest her chin on Alex's shoulder, arms wrapping around her waist.

"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't really important..."

Alex sighed, leaned back into her chest. "I'll make someone up," she agreed. "But she _is_ going away soon, right? And we can be alone?"

"Who knows now..." she muttered, then worked up a trepidatious smile. "I promise I'll find a way. Even if I have to dig into my trust fund and fly us across the country to do it."


	8. Chapter 8

Emily pushed her food around her plate, shooting her mother a glare that, were it capable, surely would have caused her to drop dead long ago.

"So, Miss Miller, how did you meet my daughter?" Elizabeth asked. "She never tells me anything – I was starting to think she hadn't made any friends here." She gave Emily a pointed glare that clearly seemed to indicate she thought it Emily's own fault that she had trouble making friends and fitting in, rather than a result of never staying in one place long enough for her to make a connection with anyone...

"Her first practice debate was against me," Alex reminisced with a fond smile that she attempted to bite down on before it became too obvious. (She'd stopped insisting Elizabeth call her Alex after the last forty minutes of endless questioning.) "We were debating..." she trailed off suddenly, wide-eyed, worried she might have walked into a trap that would force her to give away the secret Emily had worked so hard to keep.

"Debating what, Dear?" she asked, either not noticing or ignoring Alex's sudden discomfort.

"Gay rights, Mother," Emily bit out so Alex didn't have to say it.

"Oh." She scowled, her suspicions apparently confirmed. "So, you're...one of _those_?"

"Actually, Mother, Alex has a boyfriend," Emily corrected, even if the words felt like thorns falling from her lips.

"Yes," Alex echoed with the same reluctance. "His name is James. He's pre-med at Georgetown."

Elizabeth visibly perked up at that. "Wonderful. How did the two of you meet?"

"He was the leader of the tour of Georgetown campus for prospective students. I guess we just kind of hit it off..." She shrugged, grimaced.

"You'll be attending Georgetown, then?"

"I haven't decided yet," she admitted. "There are a lot of things I'd like to stay close for..." She shot a significant look at Emily, trying not to be too obvious about it. "But Georgetown isn't exactly known for its linguistics department."

"Well, if you intend to leave the District, make that boy give you a ring before you go," Elizabeth told her.

Alex gave a high-pitched little nervous laugh, looking like a deer in the headlights.

Emily nearly choked on her drink. "God, Mother, give her a minute to breathe before you continue interrogating her," she snapped, unable to take a single second more of hearing her mother talk about Alex's (fictional) boyfriend.

"Emily, you're being very rude – I was just having a perfectly pleasant conversation with our guest," Elizabeth said through gritted teeth while maintaining her perfect smile. She continued on as if Emily hadn't interrupted, maintaining, "Trust me, Miss Miller. And while you're at it, keep in touch with Emily – she could use a _good_ influence... She's been going through a _phase_ lately and nothing I say seems to reach her."

"Say it, Mother," Emily dared her. "Don't tiptoe around it, let's put it all out there..."

"Emily..." she warned.

"Or are you afraid that I'm going to turn her _gay_?" She laughed humourlessly.

"Emily!" her mother scolded. "You're not... _that_."

"Why are you so fucking _afraid_?" Emily demanded. "Because if I were it would reflect badly on you, right? Not because you're concerned about me like a good mother would be..."

"For _one_ night, Emily, could you _please_ just let something go?" she asked with false politeness. "We can _discuss_ this tomorrow..."

"No, it's _you_ that can never just _let things go_!" Emily shouted. "You have to make everything about you at all times and I'm fucking sick of it!"

"Emily, enough with the histrionics," Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes. "You're the one making a scene. You _always_ do this."

She scoffed. "I'm not dealing with this," she declared, standing from the table. "Come on, Alex. It was a mistake to stay for dinner."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Alex asked warily.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She glared through the windshield as she drove them through the night – not sure where she was taking them, only that it was _away_ from her mother.

"Because you've got kind of a crazy look in your eyes..."

She swerved suddenly off the road, slamming on the brakes, cars whizzing past and honking at her and, for a moment, just sat there staring off into the distance, hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel.

"Em?" Alex murmured, reaching over to rest a hand on her shoulder in a silent gesture of compassion.

"It's all my fault," she whispered and Alex wasn't entirely sure she'd been meant to hear it.

"What's your fault?" she gently enquired.

" _This_ ," she insisted with a vague gesture of her hand. "All of it. This whole fucked up evening..."

"It's not your fault that your mother is prejudiced and hateful..."

"It _is_ , though. Because of what happened in Saudi Arabia." The last part was admitted in an abashed mumble, her cheeks suddenly burning red.

"You, umm... You never told me," Alex said quietly. She only knew that Elizabeth had suddenly moved them out of the country, but Emily had never told her what had precipitated that. "Not that you have to," she added quickly, "If you don't want to."

Emily heaved a sigh. "You deserve to know why you had to lie tonight..."

For a few moments, Alex watched her picking at her nails nervously before she reached over to squeeze her hands, stopping the fidgeting. "I'm not going anywhere," she reassured her.

She gave a small nervous laugh, let out a measured breath, then launched into the story, "I had a girlfriend. Well. Sort of. We both attended the school for diplomats' children and were both kind of awkward and shy and didn't have a lot of friends. And, more importantly, we both knew we were gay, but had never been with another girl... Clara suggested that we kind of, I don't know, figure it out together...

"One night, I snuck her into my room for _obvious_ reasons. And, of course, Mother walked in and caught us. She was fucking _furious_ , to put it mildly. Within the week, she'd gotten herself reassigned to Rome and forbidden me from ever contacting Clara again."

"Em, that's... That's really awful," Alex whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Emily nodded, gaze distant and unfocused. "That's why she's so suspicious of any girl I spend time with. That's why you had to make up a boyfriend. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that being so stupid back then would affect someone I love years later..."

Hand still wrapped around Emily's she squeezed it tightly. "I'm not mad, Jo. You were a kid. Hell, you're _still_ a kid. We both are. Your mother is the adult here and she's the one who's making a mistake by trying to force you to be someone you aren't." She offered a comforting smile.

"You're really not mad?"

"Of course not. I love you." Then, with a playful little smirk, she added, "How could I be mad about you learning to be such a good kisser?"

Emily snorted with laughter, giving a genuine smile for the first time that evening.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex had barely set foot in the door when her mother called out, "Alexandra, come in here." It wasn't a request, it was a command.

When she entered the dining room, a large brown envelope was waiting on the table, her mother eyeing it expectantly as if it were a bomb due to go off at any moment. She didn't need to open it to know it was from a college and she instantly felt her heart rate skyrocket. With trembling hands, she picked up the envelope, suddenly unsure if she could open it without fainting.

"Well, open it," her mother urged when she hesitated too long.

With a measured exhale to settle her nerves, she carefully tore it open, pulling out the sheaf of paper inside. "Dear Alexandra C. Miller," she read, "We are _pleased_ to inform you that you have been accepted to the University of California, Berkeley!" Her voice got louder and higher as she read each word. "Holy _shit_!"

Her mother shot her an irritated look at the expletive.

"Sorry," she mumbled, but couldn't quite manage to feel even a little bad because she'd gotten into _Berkeley_.

True, it was actually her safety school, but it did have one of the best linguistics programs in the country and...

Her stomach sank.

...and it was across the entire country from Emily.

Either not noticing her sudden sullenness or not caring, her mother declared, "You need to accept the offer. Today."

"I don't know..." she whispered, fearing her mother's reaction to her disagreement. "I'd really rather wait and see if I get an offer from Harvard."

Her mother scoffed. "Don't throw away a sure thing for some pipe dream, Alexandra."

"Pipe dream?" she repeated, incredulous. "You don't believe I can get into Harvard?" If she was hurt by the insinuation, she covered it with anger. "Why? Because _you_ didn't?"

"Alexandra Claire!" her mother scolded. "I'm not going to allow you to speak to me like that. I am your mother and you _will_ respect me."

"You don't respect _me_ , you don't care about me, I'm not sure you even _love_ me!"

"Love you? I gave up _everything_ to raise you, to give you a better life than I had! How _dare_ you suggest that I don't love you!"

She'd heard this guilt trip so many times, she could practically repeat it word for word. Her mother had been on the fast track to be the youngest professor of linguistics at Harvard, when she'd gotten pregnant with Danny. After he was born, she was forced to take an assistant professorship. By the time he was two and she was once again poised to become a full professor, she got pregnant with Alex.

Alex had been born prematurely and had required an extended stay in the hospital. By the time she was released from the hospital, taking care of her had essentially been a full-time job, requiring her mother to take a sabbatical to care for her and her career had never quite recovered...

Alex rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to argue with you," she declared. (She'd had this same argument so many times and she had no interest in going around in circles with no way to win.) She snatched the envelope off the table and stomped off, not stopping even as her mother called her name and demanded she turn around.

* * *

Angry tears welled up in her eyes as she flopped down on her bed, the words on her acceptance letter blurring as she blinked hard to keep the tears from falling. This was _supposed_ to be a joyous occasion and her mother had to go and ruin it by making it all about her.

She pulled out her phone to call the only person she cared to talk to in that moment, the only person she knew would understand the struggle of having a parent who only cared about their own happiness. She just needed to hear Emily's voice, to hear her reassure her that everything would be okay, that things wouldn't be like this forever.

As if she had a sixth sense telling her of Alex's tremulous emotional state, as soon as she answered the call, Emily immediately asked, "What's wrong?"

Alex sniffled, swallowed past the lump of tears in her throat. "Just shitty mother problems," she answered darkly.

"What did she do now?" Emily asked, understanding perfectly.

"I got into Berkeley..."

"Berkeley as in California?" she clarified. "As in across the entire country Berkeley?"

"I know, I know. It's not even my first choice school. But my mother insists that I accept the offer right away instead of waiting to hear from Harvard and it turned into this whole big blow out and..." She sighed, shook her head. "I'm so _sick_ of her trying to live through me. It's not like I _chose_ to be born prematurely and ruin her career!"

"You can't go to California," Emily declared as if she hadn't even been listening.

This wasn't the way Alex had anticipated this conversation going... "I don't _want_ to – that's why I want to wait for Harvard's letter before making a decision. But, Jo, I might not have a choice," she added in a whisper.

"You could choose Georgetown," Emily insisted, just as softly.

"We've been over this..." she said, getting a little aggravated.

"I _know_ ," Emily echoed. "And I _get_ it, but I don't understand why you can't go there for just a _year_..."

"Emily..."

"I shouldn't have to be the only one who sacrifices for us to be together."

"The only one who sacrifices?" she repeated incredulously. "You don't think _I'm_ giving up anything?"

"That's not what I meant..." she said with a practically audible roll of her eyes. "I only meant..."

"You know what," Alex interrupted, "Don't bother. I don't want to fight with you."

"Alex," Emily pressed.

"Don't, Emily. Just...don't." And with that, she hung up. Sinking her teeth into her bottom lip, she bit down on a sob to keep it from escaping, even as silent tears streaked down her face.

Emily was the one person who was supposed to be on her side, no matter what. And if she couldn't count on that, she didn't know who she _could_ count on...


	10. Chapter 10

Emily had kind of a habit of sticking her foot in her mouth. Especially around Alex.

Maybe it was because she'd never had an example of a good relationship to follow or because she was impulsive and never stopped to think or maybe she was just plain and simple _bad_ at relationships.

She liked to think it was because she just loved Alex so damn much and love makes people a little stupid... (At least, according to her best friend Derek and he was sort of an expert, considering he fell in 'love' with a different girl every week...)

Whatever the reason, she'd once again managed to screw things up with the best thing to ever happen to her and she was determined to once again set things right.

"What's in the envelope?" Derek asked, leaning back against the next locker, watching as she twisted the combination lock on Alex's locker from memory.

"None of your business," Emily retorted, without looking at him. "Shouldn't you be at football practice?"

He shrugged. "Coach said to hit the showers."

"Well, could you do that? Your smell is making my dizzy." She was kidding. Mostly.

He ignored her. "Did you fuck things up with Alex again?" he asked. He was the only person Emily had told about her relationship and even then, she'd only confessed because she'd been half-drunk at the time.

"No," she snapped sourly. "I just... _dented_ things. Like you did to your car last week."

He barked out a laugh. "Whatever, Princess. So, what did you do?"

She ignored him, placing her traditional peace offering of coffee and a cinnamon bun in Alex's locker, along with the envelope.

"So, what's in the envelope?" Derek asked again. "Dirty pictures?" He waggled his brows.

"Fuck off," Emily snapped, smacking him in the chest.

"Can I see them?" He reached for the envelope.

She slapped his hand away. "It's an _apology letter_. And there's no way in Hell you'll ever see a dirty picture of me."

"Lame," he muttered. "You know what they say: a picture's worth a thousand words. I know _I'd_ forgive you if I could see..."

She started talking over him, "Yes, well, Alex isn't a _perv_ like you. She likes words. And it's not just a letter – it's got words missing and the words are answers to a crossword puzzle."

He faked a cough. "Nerd." Then, coughed again.

She rolled her eyes, but didn't dignify his insult with a response.

"You know, you could add pictures to really give the apology a little punch... I'm sure Alex would love to see you in a cute little pair of..."

"Who's to say she hasn't?" Emily said under her breath, then immediately changed the subject. "I also added two tickets to the ballet for the night of Homecoming."

For a few moments, he stammered, struggling to decide which statement to respond to. "You're not going to Homecoming?"

"Why would I? I can't go with the person I love without outing both of us and I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not for the sake of appearances."

"You could go with me – I promise not to try to feel you up or anything," he cajoled.

She gave a snort of laughter. "Gee, what a gentleman." She grinned, chucked him under the chin. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm not exactly a party kind of person and Alex is _definitely_ not either." She paused, thought. "Besides, don't you have some babe lined up to show up on your arm in a barely-there dress you plan to take off in some bathroom stall?"

He gasped, clapping a hand to his chest as if offended. "I'll have you know I'm a perfect gentleman."

She laughed mockingly and lightly pushed him against the bank of lockers. "Says the guy who spent the last ten minutes trying to convince me to let him see my nudes..." She turned, walking backwards down the hall, away from him.

"So, you _admit_ they exist?" he asked, jogging after her.

* * *

"Louis the XIV's creation," Alex whispered to herself, tapping her pen against her desk in thought.

A little voice next to her piped up, "Versailles?"

She whipped her head around, startled. "Excuse me?"

"Versailles," he repeated. "Louis the XIV's creation. Although, that's actually a commonly held misconception! He didn't build Versailles, he just expanded it and made it much more opulent, in terms of..."

"You're Spencer, right?" Alex asked. She'd never actually met the kid before now, but it was hard not to have heard the rumours about the so-called freaky genius twelve year old.

He blushed then as if only just realizing he'd drawn attention to himself. "Yeah," he mumbled. "Sorry, you were doing your puzzle, I shouldn't have interrupted. Sorry."

She offered him a smile then, something about the kid's clumsy shyness making her feel at ease. "Versailles is too long," she said instead of offering awkward assurances.

He scrunched his brow in thought for a moment, then exclaimed, "Oh! Ballet! But that's _also_ a false attribution, as he merely popularized the existing art form."

Alex counted the letters in the answer, then filled them in with his suggestion.

Looking over her shoulder, Spencer asked curiously, "What paper is that puzzle from? I don't recognize it..."

"Oh, umm..." She cleared her throat, suddenly uncertain. She attempted to shield the puzzle from his view with her body. "It's actually _not_ from a paper." At his continued quizzical look, she sighed, explained, "A... _friend_ made it for me. It's an apology crossword."

His little brow furrowed in thought. "Granted, I don't know anything about the situation...but I think if someone created a crossword for me, I'd forgive them." He shrugged as if the matter were outside of his control.

She laughed a little. "You're very wise, Spencer Reid."

Then, in a quieter voice, he added, "At least, I would if I had any friends."

"You have one now," Alex vowed, extending a hand for him to shake with a warm smile.


	11. Chapter 11

Emily wasn't exactly known for being happy-go-lucky on the best of days, but on that particular day she was unusually crestfallen as she trudged listlessly towards her car after classes that day; hands plunged into the pockets of her leather jacket, scowl firmly in place, kicking a stone across the pavement with her scuffed sneakers.

She'd known when she started dating someone so far outside her typical social circle that there would be _hiccups_ along the way – parties she wouldn't be invited to, jokes she wouldn't get, yearbook photos she wouldn't be in – and she was okay with that because that's what it took to be with Alex and being with her was all that mattered. Even so, even knowing _all_ of the things she'd be left out of, she'd found herself blindsided by this particular hiccup...

Alex had been nominated for Homecoming Queen.

She supposed she shouldn't have been all that surprised... Alex was gregarious and fun and _gorgeous_. People were just automatically drawn to her and Emily couldn't blame them, no matter how much she might want to.

"Hey..." a small voice interrupted her sullen introspection. Alex was waiting beside Emily's car, books clutched to her chest almost protectively. She offered her a smile underscored with trepidation. "I, umm... I got your peace offering." She pulled the ballet tickets out of her back pocket. "You really didn't have to do that."

"I know..." She shrugged, reached out one hand as if to intertwine their fingers because they were inexplicably woven together like the lace Emily's grandmother had tried to teach her how to tatt. Her feet, though, seemed to be of a different mind, having stopped just short of being able to reach her, almost as if the distance could shield Alex from the waves of hurt rolling off of her. "I'd figured that since we can't go to Homecoming together, we could have our own special evening..." She trailed off, sighed, plunging her hands back into her pockets to keep from picking at her nails. "I guess that's kind of a moot point now, though."

Alex frowned like she'd just said something utterly ridiculous. "What? Why?"

Emily looked at her as if she'd sprouted a second head. "Because you have to go to Homecoming," she said as if it were obvious. "You have to receive your crown."

"Emily, I... I'm not..." she struggled to find a response in the face of Emily's desolation. "I'm not going to win," she finished lamely which, she supposed, was as good an excuse as any.

"Of course you are," Emily scoffed. "Have you seen you? You're perfect."

"I don't even want to go," Alex insisted. "I don't care if they're giving out the Nobel Prize. I want to spend the evening with _you_. I want to go to the ballet and get dinner and whatever else you might've planned."

"You have to go," Emily pressed. "This is your last Homecoming, I don't want to take that away from you." She plastered on a fake smile. "It's okay. Really."

* * *

Alex dropped her calculus textbook onto the library table with a heavy thud, startling Derek who was busy texting and hadn't heard her approach.

He looked up from his phone at the noise, head whipping around to see who had interrupted his conversation. Seeing Alex, his expression changed instantaneously from one that looked like he was about to crack a joke to one of surprise and, perhaps, a little bit intimidated. "Miller? What are you doing here? What happened to the kid who usually tutors me?"

"Spencer had a family emergency," she informed him, settling into the seat next to him without waiting for his permission. "I may not have an eidetic memory, but I'm sure I'll suffice, if what he's told me of your grades is even a little bit true..."

He opened his mouth as if to argue, then shrugged because it was, in fact, true. "Shouldn't you be out picking a fancy dress to wear to the ballet?" he asked, smirking. "Princess – I mean, Emily – said she had big plans for..."

Alex interrupted, demanding, "Do you love her?"

"Wh-what?" he sputtered, choking on an inhale, completely taken aback. "Who? Emily?" He paused, waiting for some kind of punchline because surely she couldn't be serious.

She gave him a pointed look, apparently _not_ kidding.

"Why... Why would you think that?"

"Do you have feelings for her?" she pressed.

If he'd been intimidated by her before, his feelings had devolved into downright fear. "No!" he insisted. "Well, maybe a little. At first, when she first started here. But not anymore! I swear..."

For several long moments, Alex studied him in silence, as if weighing his answer in her mind.

Squirming under her stare, he spoke up again, "Look, I asked her out once – before you were dating. She made it very clear to me that she's not interested in me – or any guy for that matter. I respect that and I respect you and your relationship. I mean, I still flirt with her, but that's just who I am – I flirt with everyone. It means nothing, honestly."

Finally, apparently placated, she nodded. "I believe you."

Breathing a sigh of relief he hadn't known he'd been holding, he raised a brow then, curious about her seemingly sudden jealousy, but knowing better than to ask. He reached for his textbook, flipping it open. "So, calculus?"

"First, I need your help..."

" _My_ help?" he repeated skeptically. "I'm like the least useful person you know. Unless you need something tackled..."

"You're Emily's best friend," she insisted. "She trusts you. I need you to convince her to go to Homecoming with you..."

"But..." He trailed off, frowning in confusion. "She said..."

"It's a long story." She sighed, fixed him with a pleading expression. "Please... You're the only person that can help."

He puffed up his chest dramatically as if about to recite a Shakespearean soliloquy. "I'd do anything for you two crazy kids."

Alex just rolled her eyes, though she did so with a fond smile.


	12. Chapter 12

Alex flopped back on the hotel bed, eyes shut, arms flung out. "Tonight was _magical_ ," she declared dreamily.

Emily leaned back against the wall, smiling fondly at her girlfriend. "It really was," she agreed.

"And the profiteroles at that restaurant..." she effused, "To _die_ for!"

Emily giggled softly. "I'll have to take you to France one day, so you can have the _real_ thing."

Alex opened her eyes so she could give Emily a pointed stare. "Oh, so we're planning internatiomal trips together now, are we?"

She smirked. "Maybe for our honeymoon..."

Alex's smile got shy then, but she said nothing.

Changing the subject, Emily groaned, tugged her dress straps up higher on her shoulders. "This dress is _killing_ me," she complained.

As if suddenly realizing hers was also uncomfortable, Alex firmly said, "Agreed." She glanced down at her dress, up at Emily, then back. "You could take it off..." she suggested softly.

Biting at her lip, she replied, "I would...but I'm not wearing a bra." She indicated the low cut back of the dress in explanation.

"Oh. Well. You still could..."

"Are you sure?" Emily asked.

She nodded. "I'm not going to make you sleep in that." At Emily's continued hesitation, she added, "I'm not going to run away either. I know we haven't...you know...but I think maybe I'm ready."

"Just because we got a hotel room doesn't mean we have to have sex," Emily murmured. "We don't even have to share the bed; I could take the floor or..."

"Jo, I'm ready," she insisted. "I've thought about it and I want this."

Accepting the permission, Emily swept her hair over her shoulder and turned, offering up her zipper to be undone.

Alex hoped that Emily didn't notice the slight tremor to her hands as she traced the zipper down the elegant curve of her spine. Then, bolstering her nerve, she pressed a tender kiss to her bare shoulder as the straps of her dress slid away. "C-can you unzip mine?" she asked.

Emily turned, still holding the front of her dress over her breasts, and returned the favour. "Are you _sure_ you want to do this?" she asked once more before letting her dress fall away.

She nodded, took a deep breath, then slipped out of her gown. Turning, she offered a nervous smile, cheeks pinking as her eyes darted briefly over Emily's nearly naked body.

"You're so beautiful," Emily said, reaching over to gently cup her cheek, thumb grazing her cheekbone, pulling her in for a tender kiss. "I still can't believe you want _me_..."

"The feeling is mutual," Alex assured her between kisses. "But I'm very thankful you do."

"I always will." For a moment, they just smiled at each other, basking in the mutual affection. Then, she stepped closer, reaching for the front clasp of Alex's bra. "May I?"

The red tinge colouring her face crept down to her chest. But she nodded her consent.

With a reassuring smile, Emily touched the clasp and, even though she was expecting it, Alex jumped a little at the contact. "We can stop any time," Emily promised.

Alex nodded, but said nothing as the hook unlatched and the black lace fell away, exposing her to Emily's eyes.

She leaned in slowly to press a kiss to her collarbone, lips travelling steadily downwards until she reached her breast.

Alex's eyes fell shut on a shuddering inhale, head lolling back as Emily grazed her teeth across her nipple. When she took the sensitive bud into her mouth, Alex let out a little whimper. "Em..." she rasped.

Grinning to herself as she laved her nipple with her tongue, Emily filed away in her brain every little detail of what Alex liked for (hopefully) future use.

Pulling away, she asked, "Do you mind if I...?" She trailed off, tracing one hand along the waistband of Alex's panties.

Her nod was a little shaky, so she reiterated, " _Yes_."

Slipping her hand into her panties, Emily sought out her clit, gently brushing it with her thumb, making her hips buck at the contact. Her legs seemed to be threatening to give out from under her, so Emily gently guided her backwards until the back of her knees hit the edge of the bed, forcing her to sit.

Emily straddled her hips then, pushing her to lie back. She paused for a moment once Alex was splayed out on the mattress, just taking in the sight before her – chocolate locks tousled and mussed, eyes softy and sleepy, smile full of contentment and love. "You're so beautiful it takes my breath away," she whispered.

Her smile got shy then, but remained content.

Emily took that as permission to continue, slowly pushing two fingers inside of her, pausing as her face contorted in pain. "Are you okay?" she murmured.

She nodded, exhaled slowly. "I'm okay," she assured with a soft smile.

It didn't take long before her tender ministrations made Alex come undone with a breathy whimper and a cry of her name.

Collapsing down on the bed next to her, Emily snuggled into her side, pressing a kiss to her pulse point. Arm wrapped around her hips, legs tangled, she let out a contented sigh. Then, unable to help herself, she burst out in a fit of giggles.

Alex raised a brow, turning her head to fix her with a dubious expression.

She clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. "I'm sorry," she said, voice muffled by her palm. "It's not funny, I just... I can't believe this really happened. I mean, I'm such a fuck up and you're practically a goddess and for some unknown reason, you want me anyway."

"Unknown reason?" she repeated. "I can think of at least fifty reasons."

"Well, what are they?"

Smiling mischievously, Alex declared, "That's for me to know and you to find out. Though, I'm sure you could come up with some way to convince me..."

With a smirk, Emily pounced on her, growling low in her throat in a wordless promise to coax the reasons out of her if it took all night...


	13. Chapter 13

"So..." Derek said, drawing out the syllable. He had to speak up to be heard over the din of chatter and clanking lab equipment that filled the space of the chemistry lab.

How she'd ended up with _him_ for a lab partner, Emily would never know... She liked Derek, really, she did...she just wasn't overly impressed by his scholarly aptitude. (He _was_ smart, he just refused to act like it.)

Currently, he was wearing his lab apron like a cape and his safety goggles sat on top of his head where they'd be absolutely useless in an actual emergency, as he leaned over her shoulder, watching her work.

"So what?" Emily asked without looking up as she was currently busy attempting to light their Bunsen burner (and kind of hoping that an errant spark might take off Derek's eyebrows, if for no other reason than that he was so fond of them).

"So, _dish_!" he demanded, apparently ignorant of the fact that he was crowding her personal space and being less than useful, chemistry-wise. "Tell me _all_ the details of your sordid weekend..."

She could hear the waggle of his brows in his voice, causing her to roll her eyes. "Never. And it wasn't a _weekend_ , it was one night in a hotel. Now, do you _mind_ not bothering my so I don't accidentally set both of us on fire?"

"Actually, I _do_ mind," he retorted playfully because if he had one hobby, it was annoying Emily Prentiss. "And I'll keep bothering you until you tell me _everything_."

Over her shoulder, she shot him an utterly unimpressed look. "If I wouldn't show you my nudes, I'm certainly not going to tell you about my sex life."

"So, you _admit_ there's a sex life?" he enquired. His expression couldn't have been more smug or more mischievous if she'd literally handed him the nudes she continued to refuse to verify the existence of.

"I fucking hate you," she muttered, glowering at the tiny blue flame she'd managed to coax into existence.

He crowed with laughter, attracting stares from the other students in the chem lab. Then, noticing the way her cheeks pinked under everyone's stares, he couldn't help but feel a little badly, knowing how hard she worked to stay under the radar with her relationship. Lowering his voice, he asked softly, "All jokes aside, how was the ballet? Did Alex like it?"

"It was really great," she said, unable to help the smile that blossomed at the memory. "She loved it – she'd never been to the ballet before."

"So, you forgive me for tricking you?" he asked, lightly elbowing her in the ribs, very nearly making her slosh the test tube of reagent all over the lab bench.

"No."

"But you just said..."

"I don't want to have sex with you, so I don't have to forgive you," she said with a shrug.

He groaned as if physically in pain. "You can't keep saying things like that and _not_ give me details!" he whined.

She just smiled enigmatically, but said nothing.

Any further teasing he might have heaped on her was interrupted by the teacher wandering over and fixing Derek with a scolding look that he'd received enough times to interpret as meaning 'put on your damn apron and goggles before you melt your face off'.

* * *

Emily dropped into the open seat next to Alex at her favourite table in the furthest corner of the library where she was currently buried in an advanced English lit textbook, scrawling notes in the margins of her notebook in her elegant handwriting.

Emily lifted the pen from her grip, wrapping her fingers around Alex's wrist and bringing the back of her hand up to her lips in a gesture that might've been sweet if she hadn't been in the middle of an important note.

Alex didn't even bother to look up from her work, perhaps because it was easier to hide her soft smile that way. "You are absolutely incorrigible," she declared, deadpan.

"True," she agreed with a shrug, never letting go of her hand. "But to be fair, it's not like I'm going to miss anything important by skipping class..."

Alex shook her head, smiled. "Is there something you needed or...?"

Her smile became shyer, less cheeky then. "I just wanted to check in, see how you were feeling about...everything."

In the aftermath of their night together, Emily had been gripped by a sudden overwhelming sense of anxiety over taking Alex's virginity... True, Alex had been absolutely in control the entire time and she could have stopped it at any time and Emily would have respected that decision, but that didn't stop her from feeling like she'd somehow taken advantage of her inexperience...

Alex looked up, smiled tenderly as she gently returned the pressure of Emily's hand on hers. "I'm perfect, Jo. Just like the last eighty times you asked me," she teased.

"I just...don't want you to have any regrets."

"I don't," she vowed. "Not a single one."

"Great. Then, on that subject, I think maybe we should think about considering telling our parents..." she said in one breath, voice getting smaller and meeker.

Alex choked on an inhale. "You're joking, right?"

"What's the worst that could happen?" Emily pressed.

Alex gave her a pointed look. "We both get disowned and disinherited and have to live on the streets..."

"I've got a trust fund. We'll use it to rent a little apartment near the University – whatever one you want to attend. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I know we'll make it work."

"But you're still sixteen – won't your mother fight it?" she asked skeptically.

"She'd probably be glad to be rid of me." She shrugged. "But maybe your parents will surprise us – maybe they'll be happy for us?" It was clear from her inflection that even she didn't truly believe that possible.

Looking like she'd very much like to believe that, Alex sighed. "I'll think about it."

For a few moments, there was silence.

Then, Emily changed the subject to cut the tension, "I'm going to kill Derek, by the way, if he doesn't stop trying to pry into our sex life..."

Alex snorted with laughter.


	14. Chapter 14

"Are you _sure_ you want to do this?" Danny asked. "Like _really_ sure? Because this is like the worst idea I've ever heard..."

He was sprawled across her bed, reading some magazine about country musicians that he kept stashed under her bed because – in his words – if their parents found it, she could claim she kept it to look at the guys. She went along with it because she loved her brother and she found the notion of finding _any_ of those men worthy of ogling to be laughable.

"Of course I'm not sure." She caught his gaze in the vanity mirror as she brushed her hair (she'd spent the last forty minutes putting her hair up, then taking it down, before putting it up again as she nervously debated which style Elizabeth would find least objectionable). "In fact, I'm _entirely_ certain I'm going to die today. Probably slowly. And painfully."

"Then why are you doing this? What could you _possibly_ have to gain from this?" he pressed, abandoning the magazine to stare at her incredulously.

She set her brush down, rested her hands on the vanity table, head falling forwards as she let out a few shaky breaths to combat the feeling like a balloon had lodged just under her diaphragm making it impossible to inhale. "I don't know. But I can't keep living the way I've been living..."

"Al, I think you're making a big mistake," he said, gentle but firm. His expression was soft, apologetic – full of sympathy for his sister and no small amount of brotherly concern.

"Maybe I am!" she lashed out, whirling around to glare at him, suddenly filled with anger, "But doesn't my happiness count for something!?"

"Al, I..."

"Because I'm _not_ happy! I haven't been for years. The only time I'm happy is when I'm with Emily. So, yeah, maybe telling our homophobic parents that I'm a big fucking queer is a mistake, but at least if they kick me out, I'll be homeless and happy..."

Danny seemed at a loss for words in the face of her outburst. His mouth hung open slightly as he blinked dumbly at her for what felt like ages while he tried to form some kind of response that wouldn't make him seem like an asshole.

Seeing his expression, she sighed, apologized, "I'm sorry, I just..." She trailed off, shrugging helplessly. She offered him what she hoped was a contrite smile.

Without a word, he stood, crossed the short distance to wrap his lanky arms around her shoulders, holding her tight to his chest. Sufficiently chastised, he murmured, "I didn't realize you were so miserable."

She gave him a pointed look, even though he couldn't see it from where she was squished against his body. "Are _you_ happy?"

He didn't have a good response to that.

Pulling away, Alex returned to the vanity to finish getting ready, putting on lipstick with intense focus.

Danny laughed then. "God, you are really in over your head..."

"What?"

"You're putting on lipstick – I've never seen you put on make up before. You must really want to impress this girl's parents."

She rolled her eyes. "Shut _up_." She tossed an errant sweater at his head, making him laugh as he dodged the makeshift missile.

"Alex and Emily sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G..."

* * *

Leaning back against the cool surface of the brick wall of the restaurant, Alex couldn't help but chew her nails (apparently, she'd been spending so much time around Emily that she was picking up her mannerisms). She wrapped her sweater tighter around her body as a chill evening breeze gusted.

She really shouldn't have agreed to show up so early – it left far too much time to dwell on all the ways this evening could go wrong...

Her parents had interrogated her endlessly about why they were meeting up with some _friend's_ parents, until she'd finally been unable to take it any longer, fleeing the table for some fresh air. She was seriously starting to doubt whether it was truly a good idea to go through with this, to tell them the truth about her relationship with Emily. Because the _truth_ was that they weren't going to surprise her by having a sudden change of heart, they weren't going to suddenly reverse their long-held beliefs about the sinful gay lifestyle. They were going to do exactly what she thought they would and it was going to be _ugly..._

She was very seriously considering running away and maybe faking her own death when a familiar voice interrupted her panic attack. "Well, well, well, look who it is..."

Alex's head whipped up. "James?" she squeaked in surprise, "What... What are you doing here?"

He gestured towards the restaurant. "Dinner, you know?"

"Right. Right. Stupid question."

For a moment or two, he studied her, brows furrowed with concern. "Maybe _this_ is a stupid question, but...are you okay?"

She gave a high-pitched fake laugh. "You're right, that _is_ a stupid question."

"Touche. Do you...want to talk about it?" he offered.

"No. Maybe." She sighed. "You ever feel like you're about to make a huge mistake just to make someone else happy?"

He smiled, perhaps a little awkwardly. "Well, I have been known to make a lot of mistakes," he joked.

She didn't look amused.

He sighed, rethought. "Well, I went into med school to make my parents happy and for awhile it felt like a huge mistake. But now, I wouldn't dream of doing anything else." He shrugged. "Does that help?"

"No," she admitted. "But thanks for trying."

He nodded, elbowed her gently. "Well, can I buy you a drink to cheer you up?"

She gave a faint smile. "Still not legal."

"Right. Right." He winked.

"Besides, I'm kind of here with my parents."

"Ah. The parents... Are you sure you don't need a drink?" he joked.

She laughed, for real this time.

He rested a hand on her shoulder, squeezed gently. "Well, if you need an out, just give me a signal and I'll pull the fire alarm."

"I might take you up on that..." She smirked. Her phone chimed then with Emily's warning that she and her mother had arrived. "I've got to go," she apologized, "But, umm, thanks for trying to cheer me up."

"Any time."


	15. Chapter 15

To say that dinner was tense was an understatement.

Elizabeth seemed to get along fine with the Millers – perhaps _too_ well. The three of them talked politics and their backwards take on social issues, generally getting on like Emily had feared they would... They seemed confused, though, as to why they were there.

And in spite of their best efforts, neither Emily nor Alex seemed able to broach the subject, whether reticent from fear or lack of surety, it was hard to say.

In fact, they seemed to be actively _avoiding_ the matter. And each other...they could barely even meet each other's gaze in favour of staring awkwardly at their plates as they pushed their food around without eating any of it. Not for Alex's lack of trying, though, her efforts to offer Emily an encouraging smile going unnoticed.

In the middle of dinner, Emily excused herself to go to the washroom and, seeing an opportunity present itself, Alex quickly followed suit with an apology to their parents and a demure expression.

When Alex pushed the door open, she found Emily leaning over the bank of sinks, splashing water on her face with shaky hands. "Are you okay, Jo?" she whispered.

"You tell me," she said, deadpan, not turning to look at her.

"Wh-what?" she stammered. "I... I don't understand."

Finally, she rounded on Alex, eyes blazing. "You and James seemed awfully friendly when we pulled up..." she said, almost apropos of nothing.

"Is that what you're upset about?" she asked, quizzical.

"What was he even doing here?" Emily snapped.

Brows furrowed, confused and concerned, Alex took a cautious step forward. "Sheer random happenstance, believe me."

Her expression made it clear she did not.

"It's not like I sought him out," Alex pressed on, perhaps a little hysterically. "I don't understand why we keep having this fight."

"Because he _likes_ you!" she snapped. "And he obviously hasn't received the message that you're not interested!"

"Well, what would you like me to do then?" Alex finally lashed out, throwing her hands in the air, "Send him a notarized letter?"

"I don't care how you do it, just get the message across! Hire a sky writer for all I care – just tell him no and make it stick!"

"Why the hell are you so jealous!?" Alex demanded. "I love _you_ , okay? I just don't understand..."

"Because you have a life-raft..."

For a moment, she stared at Emily, dumbfounded. "A what?"

"A life-raft," she repeated, "A 'just in case'. A back up. In case we don't work out."

Her expression turned ice cold. "How _dare_ you suggest that I'm not as invested in this relationship as you are! That I haven't sacrificed as much as you have – that I don't have as much to lose!"

"Then prove it: make things clear with him and maybe I'll believe you," she challenged.

Alex pursed her lips, huffed a breath through her nose. "If you don't trust me, then I think we need a break," she said, deadly calm.

"A break?" Emily repeated, for the first time seeming unsure. "A break from..."

"From _us, Emily_. From being together."

If she had anything further to say, it was interrupted by the bathroom door swinging open, her mother storming in. "Everything alright, ladies?"

* * *

" **Fuck my life,"** Emily texted Derek.

"Well, that was a tremendous waste of time," Elizabeth muttered, purposefully loud enough for Emily to hear as she directed their driver to bring them home.

" **lol wtf did you do now?"**

Emily ignored her mother's pointed remark, remaining grimly focused on the screen of her phone. **"Alex and I are over."**

" **lmao don't fuck with me..."** Derek texted back.

" **I'm not fucking with you,"** she replied, scowling even though he couldn't see it. **"She said we needed a BREAK...if that's not broken up I don't know what is."**

"Are you listening to me?" Elizabeth demanded, "Emily? You demanded I attend this dinner with your so-called friend and her parents, then you spend the entire meal sulking and barely say a word."

She rolled her eyes. "Terribly sorry to have inconvenienced you," she said sarcastically. "I thought you might be interested in my life, but obviously I was mistaken."

" **You don't need her,"** Derek insisted. **"Fuck her. Figuratively obvs since you already did that literally."**

" **Fuck you,"** Emily snapped. **"I still love her and I need to get her back."**

"I don't need your attitude, Emily," Elizabeth sighed impatiently, almost condescendingly. "I wasted an entire evening indulging your little whatever _this_ is..." She gestured vaguely at the entirety of the situation. "I could have spent tonight negotiating with the French Ambassador and instead I squandered it away on your frivolous teenage drama."

"Gee, thanks for the support, Mother," she sassed back, still staring at her phone as it squawked with another incoming message.

" **Bitch, she dumped you – time to move on, Princess."** His message was accompanied by several suggestive emoji, leaving no doubt what exactly he meant by moving on.

" **I don't want to move on... I need her."**

"Stop texting and listen to me!" Elizabeth demanded. She might have snatched Emily's phone out of her hands if Emily hadn't been one step ahead of her, moving it just out of her reach.

She growled, whipped her head around to face her mother and fix her with a glare that made it entirely clear what she thought of her authority. "God, Mother! It's all about _you_ , isn't it? _I_ couldn't possibly be going through something and need support from my mother right now...not that you've ever once given me that."

"What do want from me, Emily?" Elizabeth scoffed. "Because I've given you _everything_ and it's still not enough!"

"I guess everything is my fucking fault then, isn't it? I'm just not enough for anyone and I'll be alone forever! Is that what you want? Is it?"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "God, you're dramatic. Just like your father."

Ignoring her mother once again, she texted Derek, **"I'm picking** **you** **up and we're going to get shitfaced.** **I can't handle this break up sober..."**


	16. Chapter 16

Emily gave a protected groan, groping around on her bedside table for her shrieking phone. Her head was pounding, her stomach churning, her vision blurry.

"What?" she barked into her phone, far too hung over to deal with anything requiring more than three brain cells.

"Get dressed and meet me at Starbucks in twenty," Derek demanded.

"Go fuck yourself," she promptly replied.

He just laughed.

"I'm hanging up now."

"No! You have to meet me – I've got a surprise for you," he pressed. "Twenty minutes. Be there."

"I don't want..." she protested, but he'd already hung up. " _Fuck_..." she muttered to herself as she rolled out of bed and pulled on the cleanest pair of jeans within reach.

* * *

"I'm here, what's the big surprise?" Emily grumbled, clutching her cup of coffee like it was a lifeline.

Derek grinned like a fool, but said nothing.

She hugged. "I'm not in the mood to play games, Derek – now what's this damn surprise so I can go home and sleep off this fucking hangover..."

Still grinning, he gestured proudly at a girl sitting at a nearby table, waiting expectantly. "Emily, meet Beth..."

She smiled, waved half-heartedly at the girl. Then, to Derek, "A word?" Once the two of them were out of earshot, she hissed, "What the fuck, Derek?"

"You're single now... Time to get out there and meet someone new. Like Beth."

She arched a brow. "Is she even gay?"

He shrugged. "That's for you to find out."

She rolled her eyes. "I told you, I don't want to meet anyone new. I just want Alex."

Derek frowned, though. "Is it Beth? I thought she was totally your type – she's really cute... Would you prefer a blonde? 'Cause there's this adorable blonde soccer player I always see at the track and..."

"No, Derek! I don't care what she looks like or how cute she is – she's not Alex!"

He sighed, clapped a hand on her shoulder. "I get it, Em. I get it, okay? You loved her. But she's gone and you have to move on," he said gently.

"You _don't_ get it, Derek – you don't! Because you've never loved anyone; you like hooking up, you've never committed to anyone, so you can't even begin to understand what I felt – what I _feel_ – for Alex!"

"Emily, listen to me: I'm your friend and I want you to be happy. If I could get you Alex, I would. But you can't always win people back...sometimes, things just fall apart." He shrugged helplessly.

She let out a shaky breath, struggling to hold back tears. "How do I do this without her?" she begged.

He just shook his head, gently wrapping her in a consoling embrace.

* * *

Catching her breath and sniffling back her tears, Emily sat down opposite Beth and offered her an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry if Derek got your hopes up – I'm really not in a good place right now: I just got out of a long relationship."

Beth's smile mirrored hers. "I understand, believe me... I just broke up with my boyfriend too. Men are shit..."

Emily gave a snort of almost-laughter. "Tell me about it." She shot Derek a glare where he was seated at a nearby table trying to pretend like he wasn't watching them. He shot her a thumbs up when he saw her watching.

Beth continued on, "He said he wasn't ready to commit to anything more serious. The next thing I heard, he'd gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant." She scoffed, rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure she cheated on him the whole time they were together, but that's none of my business..."

Emily nodded her understanding, still sipping her coffee greedily lest her hangover headache return.

"What is it about guys that they think they can just do whatever they want and fuck the consequences?" Beth posited, though it was obviously rhetorical. "Especially college guys... They read a few books and suddenly think they're God's gift to women."

Emily actually bit out a laugh at that one. "I went to a college bar once and this guy who kept calling himself _Viper_ kept hitting on me with the most ridiculous pick-up lines you've ever heard. It was like a car crash – I wanted to look away, but I just couldn't."

Beth barked out a laugh, eyes twinkling with mirth. "I think I've been on that exact date. Never with anyone who gave themselves a nickname, but...same shit, different pile." She shrugged, played with the condensation from her iced coffee that had pooled on the table. "I don't mean to sound bitter – obviously I'm better off without someone who probably cheated on me with his ex – it's just hard after you've given so much of yourself to someone to have them just walk away like you were nothing to them."

Emily nodded solemnly, afraid to say anything lest the dam holding back her tears break again.

Seeming to realize she'd been monopolizing the conversation a little, Beth asked, "What about you? What'd he do to stomp on your heart?"

Clearing her throat, tongue flicking out over her top lip, Emily managed to choke out, " _She_ , actually..." She paused, cleared her throat again. "I don't really know what happened. She said I was too jealous, but I just didn't get why she refused to tell this guy who _obviously_ was into her that she wasn't interested..."

"Ah..." Beth said, nodding knowingly.

In a small voice, she added, "But she made it clear we're not together anymore, so I guess that's all I need to know about that."

"I know you're probably not looking for anything, you know, _real_..." Beth started, stumbling over her words a little, "But maybe you could use a friend? I know I sure could."

In spite of what she'd anticipated from that morning, Emily felt a genuine smile breaking through. She nodded slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, actually, that might be really nice."

Grinning brightly, Beth held up her coffee cup, bumping it against Emily in a lame facsimile of a toast.

Out of the corner of her eye, Emily saw Derek shoot her another thumbs up, apparently considering his set up a success.


	17. Chapter 17

"Are you _insane_?" Danny asked incredulously, finally finding his voice after staring at his sister in dumbfounded silence for what felt like several hours.

"Can we _not_ do this?" Alex asked listlessly. "I'm really not in the mood to dissect my life choices right now." She kicked off her high heels and flopped back on her bed, not caring if she wrinkled her dress.

Danny ignored her pleas. "Al, what were you thinking?" He paced back and forth at the foot of her bed as if physically perturbed by the confession that she'd broken up with Emily.

"I wasn't, okay? _Obviously_..."

"Three hours ago, you were going to risk everything and come out to Mom and Dad and now you broke up with her?" He couldn't seem to temper his high-pitched incredulity. "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know, okay!? One minute everything was fine, the next it just...wasn't."

"But...I thought you loved her?" he said quietly. He stopped pacing, resting his hands on the wrought iron footboard to fix her with a look that was a combination of pity and disbelief.

"I did. I _do_ ," she corrected herself. "It's not about that. Besides – we're not really broken up. We're just taking a little break from each other. I just need some time to clear my head."

"Does she know that?" he asked.

"Know what?"

"That's it's just a temporary pause?" he pressed.

Pursing her lips, she insisted, "Of course she knows."

He shrugged. "I'm just saying... Emily's a catch. If she thinks you're done with her for good, she might move on faster than you think."

Fully glaring at him now, she demanded, "Leave, Danny. I'm done talking about this."

"I'm just..."

"Get out," she repeated, leaving no room for argument.

"Sorry," he mumbled, ducking his head guiltily as she slammed the door behind him.

* * *

"I have the best idea," Emily said by way of greeting when Beth answered the phone. It was probably a little too early to be calling, Emily had been feeling rather manic of late as she tried to fill her time with anything and everything that might divert her attention from the feelings of abandonment and loss that had taken up residence in her chest.

"Okay?" Beth said slowly, hesitantly. She yawned, stretched, trying to seem more awake than she really was. "What is this brilliant new thought?"

"We're getting our hair dyed," she announced gleefully. She stared into the mirror as she spoke, playing with her dark locks, trying to decide how best to change up her look.

Beth laughed, apparently waiting for a punchline. When none seemed forthcoming, she said, "No, really?"

"I'm fucking serious," she insisted. "I've already made the appointments."

Beth hummed a note of thoughtfulness for a moment, then declared, "I'm in. Just don't get bangs..."

With a snort of laughter, Emily replied, "What am I, a sociopath?"

* * *

Alex's plan to avoid Emily at all costs was subverted almost immediately the next day at school. Namely because their lockers were across the hall from each other...

It wasn't that she didn't _want_ to see Emily – in fact, that was _all_ she wanted – but she knew that being close to her would weaken her resolve and she was trying to remain steadfast in her insistence that they take some time apart. (Even if the more time that passed, the worse of an idea it seemed...)

Her first instinct was to turn on her heel and run the other way, pretending she hadn't seen her...but then she remembered that they weren't broken up and they certainly hadn't ended their friendship. So, swallowing her pride and the lump of anxiety in her throat, she approached beside her with a tentative smile. "Hey..." she mumbled, stomach churning in spite of her best efforts to remain calm.

Emily's head whipped around as if startled. "Oh..." she said listlessly. "Hey." She turned back to her locker, rearranging her textbooks for something to do that didn't require meeting Alex's eyes, afraid of what she might see there...afraid she might see none of the feelings she'd once had for her, afraid she might see nothing at all.

"I, umm, I like your hair," Alex said, awkwardly stumbling over her words in a way she wasn't used to doing. "The red streaks really suit you." She reached out as if to play with a stray lock that had fallen out of place before stopping, dropping her hand as if realizing that it probably wasn't appropriate any longer.

"Thanks," she said with a lackadaisical shrug. "I thought it was time for a change. I was going to go blue, but Beth convinced me that red was a better colour for me."

"Who's Beth?" Alex asked, trying not to let the combination of suspicion and hurt wash across her face. Maybe Danny was right – maybe Emily had misunderstood and moved on already. The idea made Alex feel like she might throw up.

"A friend," Emily answered vaguely. "Derek introduced us."

"Oh. Okay." She bit down on her lip to keep all the other words (or possibly bile) that threatened to come bubbling up from bursting forth and creating a scene there in the crowded hallway. The last thing she wanted to do was draw attention to their relationship now after they'd been so careful for so long.

"Anyway..." Emily said slowly. "If you don't mind, I've got to get to class." She tapped pointedly on her textbook. "Normally, I'd skip it, but I guess I don't have cause to do that anymore..." Her expression remained neutral, but her words made it abundantly clear that she was still feeling bitter.

"You could... I mean, if you wanted... I wouldn't _hate_ it if you kept me company in study hall," she mumbled, feeling a tangle of emotions lodging in her chest between her lungs, making it hard to breathe.

"I wouldn't want to distract you," Emily said almost immediately. "I've gotta go." And, with that, she slammed her locker shut and stalked off, leaving Alex standing there feeling – if possible – even worse than before.


	18. Chapter 18

Alex hadn't expected to miss Emily so much...

She hadn't expected it to be _easy_ to be apart after spending so much time together for so long...but she also hadn't expected to be constantly thinking about her, wondering if she was moving on, if she missed her too... She hadn't realized exactly how much space Emily occupied in her heart.

Honestly, she was starting to think she'd made a really big mistake in asking for time apart.

(Admitting that to herself was hard enough, admitting it to Emily was going be a feat of monumental strength...and all she could do was pray that Emily agreed to take her back.)

All those thoughts were running through her head as she leaned back against her locker, trying to pretend like she wasn't watching Emily across the hall.

Emily was wearing those weathered jeans that fit her like they'd been painted on and a sweater that hung loose off her shoulder and looked rather like she'd slept in it, her hair was half pinned up, half loose curls, and she looked so beautiful it physically hurt.

As she mentally waxed poetic, a voice broke through her consciousness, perhaps a little smugly, "I can feel you staring at me..."

Shaking herself back to awareness, Alex cleared her throat, ducking her head to hide the way her cheeks pinked with embarrassment. "I wasn't staring," she lied, pushing herself off the bank of lockers and crossing the short distance to be within reach of her. "Ladies don't stare," she added, unable to hide the small teasing smirk that crossed her lips.

"Ogling, then," Emily corrected herself, just as playful.

Alex just rolled her eyes, but remained smiling. "You, umm, you look really nice today," she said, feeling awkward and unsure in a way she rarely did around Emily. She wasn't sure whether it was because of the distance she'd created that made her so unsure, but whatever the source she internally cursed her sudden lack of tact.

Emily gave a little snort of laughter. "I'm glad you think so because this is me not trying..." She wanted to tell her that she'd better get used to it because once they started living together, she'd see this look on the regular. But she quickly thought better of it.

Apparently also realizing they were wandering into dangerous territory, Alex said nothing, though it was clear from her expression that she wanted to. Instead, she said, "I was thinking... I mean, if you're not doing anything... Do you maybe want to get coffee after class? We have some things we should talk about..."

Emily tried not to let on just how much those words made hope swell in her chest, lest 'talk' mean something other than what she wanted.

Before she could accept the offer, though, Beth came jogging up. "Thank you so much for letting me borrow your history notes!" she effused, "You saved my _life_! My grades are hanging on by a thread..." She handed the notebook back to her and, as she leaned in, she pressed a kiss to Emily's cheek.

Emily's mouth hung open dumbly for several long moments, struggling to come up with words – literally _any_ words – and failing miserably.

"Anyway," Beth said, blushing slightly at her own forwardness. "I'm running late for track practice, but I'll see you later?"

She nodded, still at a loss for words and too numb to do anything else.

Beth grinned, waved, as she took several stuttering steps backwards before turning and jogging off again.

The silence that followed was possibly the longest and most brittle that Emily had ever experienced and she winced in anticipation of it shattering around her like so much broken glass.

"So..." Alex said eventually. "I'm guessing that was _Beth_?" She spit the name like venom.

Emily nodded, swallowing thickly. "It's not what it looks like," she insisted, finally finding her tongue again.

"Really? So, she _didn't_ just kiss you?" she asked pointedly.

"Well, _technically_ , yes," Emily admitted, "But we're _not_ involved, I swear!"

Alex gave a small humourless laugh. "Does _she_ know that?"

"Yes!" she insisted. "Well, I mean, I did tell her that I'm not looking to date anyone right now. But it's possible she misunderstood, I guess. But I didn't encourage anything!"

Alex pursed her lips, decidedly disapproving.

In spite of herself, Emily felt anger surging in her chest in that moment and briefly, she struggled to quash it before thinking better of it and letting it burst forth unchecked. "You know, you're being awfully controlling for someone who no longer has the right to object to who I may or may not be kissing..." she snapped. "As I recall, _jealousy_ was a trait you were none to fond of. Seems hypocritical, no?"

"What?" Alex asked, completely deadpan, not entirely sure what emotion she was supposed to be feeling in that moment. She swallowed thickly, feeling decidedly like she was about to choke.

"You're the one who wanted to break up," Emily reminded her.

"I said take time apart, not break up," Alex corrected, doing her best not to get angry in return.

"What's the difference?" she demanded. "Because to me, it sounded like you don't want to be together..."

Letting out a huffy breath through her nose, Alex chose to ignore that particular minefield, focusing instead on the more pressing issue. "So, what, then?" she asked, "You decided to get back at me by making out with the first girl that came along? Is that what this is?"

"I _told_ you, nothing happened between us!" Emily repeated, urgent and furious. "I thought you trusted me!"

Her expression made it clear that she wasn't sure she did.

Some of the fight seemed to bleed out of her then. "So, what now?" Emily asked, listless, empty. "Either you trust me and we can move past this or you don't and this is the end... Which is it?"

"I..." She stammered, stumbled. "I don't know..."

She just shook her head sadly. "When you figure it out, let me know."


	19. Chapter 19

"This party kicks _ass_!" Derek shouted in Emily's ear.

Emily snorted, elbowed him. "You're fucking wasted," she informed him. "Because this barely counts as a party and it's boring as _shit_."

He just laughed. "You're just saying that because Beth's not here..."

She rolled her eyes. He was right. But she wasn't about to admit that to him...even if he wouldn't remember it in the morning because he was, in fact, wasted.

After things had basically imploded with Alex, Emily had decided to throw a party to celebrate being single again. Even if she didn't exactly feel like _celebrating_ , she had no intention of sitting around moping and wishing for things she couldn't have.

Seeming to sense her sudden moodiness, Derek wrapped an arm around her shoulder and whispered something crude in her ear. She chose not to respond, but couldn't help the smirk that crossed her lips as she silently agreed with the sentiment.

"Want to dance?" he asked then, waggling his brows comically.

"No, absolutely not," she insisted. From the corner of her eye, she could see the colourful girl from the AV club who seemed to have a crush on Derek watching them intently. "But I think I know someone who would _love_ to dance..." she said, gently shoving him in the girl's direction.

With a sigh, Emily wandered into the kitchen to refill her cup with whatever liquor was strong and plentiful. She'd thought having a party would cheer her up – or at least take her mind off her shitshow of a love life – but so far, she wasn't getting her wish.

She was surprised to find a straggler in the kitchen, looking awkward and entirely out of place.

"Spencer, right?" she asked as she filled her cup.

He nodded, but said nothing.

"Did Derek invite you and then abandon you?" she asked, familiar with her friend's M.O.

He nodded again.

Taking pity on the kid and his obvious lack of social graces, she said, "There's a library upstairs..." She watched his eyes light up. "Come on, I'll show you," she offered, gesturing for him to follow her.

* * *

"Why did you agree to come, if you don't mind my asking?" Emily posited to Spencer as she watched him scan the shelves of the library. She couldn't quite figure him out.

He shrugged. "Derek said I had to..."

"Surely you know better than to listen to _anything_ Derek says is a good idea," she replied pointedly. "You're smarter than that."

"True," he agreed, "But he said he'd tell me how to talk to girls..."

"Ah," she murmured, nodding in understanding. "I'll let you in on a secret," she said seriously, "Derek doesn't know _shit_ about girls. You want to know how to meet someone, I'll teach you. Don't listen to any of Derek's bullshit, okay?"

Spencer frowned. "Didn't you just break up with someone?"

She shot him an unimpressed look. " _Yes_ , but in order to break up with someone, you have to first date them. Derek's never gone on more than three dates with the same girl, so...you tell me."

He nodded at that, but he might've just been too afraid of her to argue the point.

She sighed. "I'd better go back downstairs before Derek lights something on fire..."

He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, good idea."

* * *

She just couldn't make herself return to the boisterous chaos that had quickly overtaken the main floor, instead cloistering herself in her bedroom. A tentative tapping on the door, interrupted her moping, followed by the door opening a crack and Beth sticking her head inside. "I thought I might find you here," she murmured.

"You came," Emily said in relief.

"And I brought tequila," Beth added, brandishing the bottle. "I thought you might need it..." She gently settled next to Emily on her bed, bumping their shoulders together in a silent show of solidarity. "I'm sorry about Alex," she murmured. "I know you really loved her."

Emily nodded silently, took a sip from the bottle that Beth handed her, languishing in the burn of the liquid all the way down her throat. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

"Still," Beth pressed. "It's never fun to have your heart broken."

Downstairs, there came the distinctive crash of something falling and breaking, followed by Derek yelling her name. She shook her head, sighed. "I don't know why I invited everyone..." she lamented. "I just wanted you."

Beth tried to hide the smile that played about her lips at that.

* * *

Beth took a swig of tequila, passed the bottle to Emily. "Fuck...tequila always makes me so fucking horny," she declared.

Emily barked out a laugh, took a drink from the proffered bottle. "You're only horny because you haven't been fucked in like a month."

" _Three_ months," she corrected pointedly. "And even then I didn't cum..." She rolled her eyes. "He was too busy thinking about his ex to find my clit."

"You sleep with dudes, you take that chance," Emily said with a smug grin.

"Bitch," she teased. "Think you're so much better than me because you don't sleep with guys..."

Emily shrugged. "They make vibrators for a reason..."

"And you're an expert on vibrators?"

She winked mischievously.

"You _whore_ ," Beth scoffed.

Laughing, Emily flopped back to the bed. Before she had even a moment to react, Beth was straddling her hips, pinning her wrists beside her head as she leaned down to capture her lips.

For the briefest of seconds, alarm bells went off in Emily's brain, reminding her of Alex. But only briefly before she realized that Alex wasn't her concern anymore. So, she returned the kiss with fervour.

When Beth released her lips, they were both panting and Emily could feel the heat pooling in her core, desperate and needy. She writhed beneath her, whimpering softly, eager for more contact.

Beth paused, sat back in her heels, stared down into Emily's eyes. "I want you," she breathed, almost shyly. "I want this so bad – but only if you want it too..."

Any hesitance she'd felt at first having long since vanished, she reached up to clutch a fist in the soft fabric of Beth's T-shirt, pulling her down into a kiss that said everything she needed to know.


	20. Chapter 20

"Can I walk you to your car?" James asked. He offered her a charming smile as he held the door to the coffee shop open for her.

Chill evening air rushed at them, a stark contrast to the slightly humid air inside the little cafe and Alex instantly felt goosebumps rise all along her arms and she pulled her sweater tighter around herself. (A whiff of Emily's perfume welled up at her then – seeing as she'd stolen the sweater from her when they were still together – and the scent made her miss her all the more.)

She wasn't sure why she'd agreed to get coffee with him. She hadn't really wanted to go, hadn't really finished mourning the shattering of everything she and Emily had built together, hadn't really stopped debating calling her and begging her to take her back. But James was insistent and had promised her it wasn't a date and, for reasons she still couldn't fathom, she'd conceded that maybe it wouldn't hurt to get out of the house and get her mind off things she shouldn't be dwelling on.

"Oh, no, that's okay, I'm actually waiting for my brother to pick me up," she refuted the offer, gesturing over her shoulder vaguely. Danny had rather insisted that she wait for him to get her so she wouldn't have to be in the car alone with a stranger – she'd laughed off his concern, but now she had to admit she was rather glad for the excuse for reasons she couldn't quite articulate.

"Are you sure?" he pressed as they walked together to his car. "I can drive you home, it's really no problem."

She chewed her lip in thought, unsure why she was hesitating, but reluctant all the same. Something about the fact that he'd parked behind the cafe when there were plenty of well-lit spaces out front rankled her sense of self-preservation.

"Come on," he coaxed, holding the passenger door open for her, still wearing that same smile that seemed to her suddenly more sinister than charming. "Get in."

That feeling in the pit of her stomach didn't go away, practically screaming at her now. "I'm okay, actually – I'll just go back inside and wait, but thank you." She plastered on a smile, backing up a few steps.

His expression fell into a mask of ominous calm. "I said _get in_ ," he repeated. His tone made it extremely clear that he expected her to obey.

"James, what are you..." She didn't get the chance to finish the question before he was pushing her against the car, hand around her throat.

She struggled against his grip, attempted to cry out, but his hand tightened, leaving her gasping for air. His other hand was on her thigh, moving up under her dress.

* * *

When Alex climbed into the passenger seat of Danny's truck, she was in tears, much to her brother's consternation. She didn't greet him, didn't smile, didn't so much as look at him, simply slamming the door and waiting for him to drive away. Her motions, her expressions, were all very robotic as if she were operating on auto-pilot, simply going through the motions of existing.

"Al, did something happen?" he asked, concerned. It wasn't like her to be so disconnected, not from him.

She shook her head insistently, almost frantically. "Drive," she pleaded.

"Alex, if he..."

"Drive, Danny! Please!" she begged. She still didn't look at him, but that didn't mean he couldn't see the sheen of withheld tears sparkling in the glow of the streetlights. It didn't mean he missed the incriminating stains on her dress. It didn't mean he could ignore the angry red handprint around her neck.

This time, he obeyed, though not without a sidelong glance at his sister. He didn't remain silent for very long, though. "Alex, you're really scaring me..." he said softly lest he startle her, "Please tell me what happened."

She swallowed thickly past the lump of tears in her throat. "Nothing," she said, obviously lying.

"Al..." he coaxed gently.

"I said nothing happened!" she shouted. "Just leave me alone, okay?"

"Sorry," he mumbled – not believing her, but not about to push her.

Silence settled in the truck for a long moment. Then, her phone chimed. Trying not to be too obvious, Danny studied her reaction, watching the colour drain from her face.

" **If you say anything, I'll tell everyone,"** the text read, **"I'll fucking ruin you."**

Alex sank her teeth into her bottom lip as she deleted the message. All she wanted to do was call Emily, but there was just too much at stake, too much to lose...

* * *

Alex sat on the bathroom floor, trying to decide what to do next – her head said to go to the hospital, but her churning stomach and crawling skin said to get in the shower – when her phone chimed once again.

This time, though, it was Spencer. She couldn't think of a logical reason he would be texting her at ten in the evening, but she needed a distraction, so she decided to answer.

" **Did you know Emily's house has the coolest library?"** the text message read. **"It's full of first editions! She has Camus' The Stranger in the original French!"**

Alex felt something lodge firmly in her chest, though she couldn't have said what it was. **"Why are you at Emily's house?"** she replied.

" **She's throwing a party and Derek made me come..."** he informed her. **"She let me hide in the library, though, because Derek abandoned me to dance with girls."** A long pause. **"You should come,"** he urged, **"I'm sure Emily would like to see you – she's been sad lately..."**

" **Did she tell you to text me?"** she asked.

" **No. Why?"**

" **Nevermind."**

" **So, are you coming?"** he urged.

" **I can't,"** she lied, **"I'm busy."**

Any further texts he might have sent her remained in the technological ether as she turned off her phone, unable to stomach any further questions that night.

Getting onto shaky feet, turned on the shower to let it heat up.


	21. Chapter 21

The alarm on Emily's phone started shrieking and she groped blindly for it, yawning. Beside her, a warm body rolled over, pulled the pillow over her head, groaning.

Emily shut off the alarm, rolled over to go back to sleep, then realized what the alarm was for. "Fuck!" she hissed. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

Beth pushed herself to sit up, looking none too pleased at the interruption to her sleep. "What the _hell_ is going on?"

"My mother is going to be home any minute and I've got a naked girl in my bed!" she snapped. "And if she catches me hooking up with another girl, she'll send me to a fucking conversion camp!" She scrambled about the room, pulling on the clothes that had been flung about in the throes of passion the previous night.

Beth stared at her expectantly, as if waiting for a punchline.

"I'm not kidding!" She threw Beth's shirt at her. "You've got to go. Like right now."

"Em..."

"I'm sorry, Beth, and I'll make it up to you later, but my mother will eat you alive if she catches you here – trust me, you don't want that..." She pulled on a pleading face. "I just...don't want you to get hurt, okay?"

Then, as if to prove her point, she gave her a quick kiss.

Beth's hesitation only lasted a moment before her smile flickered to life. "Fine, I'll go out the window for you..." She winked. "But only because you asked nicely."

"You're the best. I'll call you, okay?"

"I'll hold you to that," Beth vowed.

She was out the window none too soon because in the next moment, Elizabeth was pounding on the door.

* * *

Emily had spent the day cleaning up from the party while her mother stared daggers at her. She couldn't exactly work up any feelings of guilt over it, though, memories of her night with Beth at the forefront of her mind.

At the same time, though, an uneasy feeling was sticking sideways in her throat and she couldn't quite trace the source of it. It felt like something bad had happened, a premonition, almost, that refused to leave her alone and left her tossing and turning in bed for hours after she should have been asleep.

It was well after midnight when the source of her uneasiness became apparent when her phone rang – it was Alex's ringtone and Alex was nothing if not conscientious of what a grump Emily was if she didn't get enough sleep...

"Hello?" Emily mumbled into the phone. When no one responded, she repeated, "Hello?"

"Emily?" Alex whispered, voice barely audible past her shaky breathing.

"Alex, are you okay?" Emily asked urgently, heart suddenly pounding in her chest like she'd just ran a mile.

"No..."

"Are you... What do you... I mean, what can I do?"

Another long silence. A trembling sigh. "I know we're broken up and I'm not supposed to call you, but I just really needed to hear your voice right now."

"Alex, what happened?" Emily urged.

"You'll hate me if I say," she murmured. "I don't want you to hate me, Emily – you... You mean too much to me."

"I could never hate you." When Alex didn't speak up, Emily offered, "Do you want me to come get you?"

"I, umm, yeah. Yeah, that'd be... Yeah," she rambled.

* * *

Together, they sat in silence in a deserted parking lot of a fast food restaurant, the only place around open twenty-four hours. The dim greasy glow of a lone streetlight shone down on the car, filling the space with an almost unsettling brightness.

Alex prodded her milkshake with her straw, staring intensely out the windshield, more from her mind wandering than actively trying to avoid Emily's gaze.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Emily murmured. She was trying hard not to stare, knowing it would only make her feel self-conscious. She was afraid she'd see something she didn't want to see...

"I know," Alex whispered, still not looking at her, still not speaking beyond those basic responses. She didn't know if she truly believed it, but she didn't say so. They could both hear it in her voice anyway.

Pursing her lips, Emily decided to venture a guess. "You saw James, didn't you?" It wasn't an accusation or, at least, it wasn't intended as one.

She sank her teeth into her bottom lip, hard enough to draw blood, to keep the scream that was clawing its way up her throat from bursting forth.

Emily didn't miss the way all the colour drained from her face. "Did something happen?" she asked, though she didn't need to know Alex as well as she did to know that something obviously had.

Alex said nothing.

Narrowing her eyes, Emily studied Alex, seeing through the faint sheen of make up on her neck covering up the dark purple of a bruise. "Did he... Did he _choke_ you?" she asked, incredulous. The unease that had plagued her all day started churning like a tempestuous sea.

Alex burst into tears then, startling Emily. "It was just supposed to be a coffee – it wasn't a date, I swear! But he-he held me down and he..." She clapped a hand over her mouth, hyperventilating.

"Did he...?" she started to ask, terrified of the answer she already knew was forthcoming.

"Don't say it!" she begged. "Please..."

"Alex, you have to go to the police!" Emily insisted. "You can't let him get away with this!"

"I don't know if I can do that," she whispered, ashamed.

"You can," Emily said firmly. "And you will. Because Alex Miller is not so damn weak that she'd let some asshole hurt her and not pay the price."

Alex turned to glare at her. "You don't get it! He'll get away with it! He's handsome and wealthy and charming – the jury would buy his every word when he tells them I wanted it!"

"I'm not going to let that happen," Emily vowed.

She shook her head, scoffed. "How are you going to do that?"

"I don't know yet. But I know that I'm not going to let you do it alone."


	22. Chapter 22

"I can't go in there," Alex insisted, voice and hands shaky. She was white as a sheet and Emily wasn't entirely certain she wasn't going to vomit.

"Alex, you _have_ to – if you don't..." Emily warned.

"I know! But they're going to judge me, look at me like I'm some cheap whore who can't use a condom! I just can't walk in there and be strong under all their critical stares," she choked, sobbed.

"Okay," she soothed, "Okay. You don't have to – I'll go in." She gave a faint smile. "Are you going to be okay alone while I run in?"

She nodded. Then, when Emily opened the door, she reached over to wrap her fingers around her wrist. "Wait..." she begged, then faltered. "Why are you doing this?"

"Alex, I care about you," she said emphatically. "That's all that matters, okay?"

* * *

Emily paced up and down the pharmacy aisles impatiently as she waited for them to package up what she'd come for, feeling more and more anxious about leaving Alex alone for so long. She was startled by her phone ringing, knowing immediately it was Beth; guilt welled in her chest and she wasn't sure whether it was because she was keeping secrets from Beth or from Alex.

"You, umm, you didn't call..." Beth said by way of greeting when she answered. She sounded unsure of herself in a way Emily had never heard before.

"I'm so sorry, Beth," she murmured, genuine in her apology. "Something came up. Time kind of got away from me." She had fully intended to call her, but Alex had needed her and, of course, she'd dropped everything to be there for her because in spite of everything that had happened, she still loved her.

Her voice must've given something away because Beth asked, "Is everything okay, Em?"

"Fine," she lied, certainly not about to tell her the truth. "I just had to help a friend. I meant to call, but..."

"No, it's okay, I get it," Beth promised. "Bros before hoes, right?"

Emily laughed, albeit weakly. "Just add it to the list of things to make up for." Just then, the pharmacist called her name, brandishing the little paper bag. "I've gotta go, but I'll call you when I get a chance," she promised, unsure exactly when that would be.

* * *

Emily slipped back into the car, wordlessly handing Alex the paper bag and a bottle of water, then driving off. The car was silent for a long time, until it was broken by quiet sobs. Emily whipped her head around, slamming on the brakes, making the car behind her honk. "What's wrong?" she asked, voice warbling with concern.

Sniffling, she held up the peanut butter cups Emily had gotten her. "You remembered..." she mumbled.

"Of course I remember your favourite feel better remedy – you're my girlfriend." There was a moment of awkward silence before she realized what she'd said. "I mean..." She sighed, shook her head. "Sorry."

Alex didn't comment.

"Are you sure you won't go to the hospital?" Emily asked softly. "I know you showered, but there might still be evidence..."

Alex gave a high-pitched incredulous laugh. "I couldn't even go into the pharmacy, you really think I can just go to the hospital and let someone _examine_ me?"

"I know it's difficult, but if you don't do this now, if you go to the police they won't have any evidence to prosecute him," she urged. She could see the way Alex blanched and knew she was getting overwhelmed. "Okay, okay, one step at a time..."

* * *

Alex shut the front door as quietly as possible, intending to tiptoe upstairs and lock herself in her room until Monday. She was still rather shaken from her experience at the hospital and she had absolutely no desire to face anyone in her family, knowing they'd ask questions she couldn't – or wouldn't – answer.

But before she could get three steps inside, Scott spotted her from where he was leaning over the stair bannister, apparently waiting for her. He shot her a smug grin, then shouted, " _Mom_ , Alex is home!"

"Damn it, Scott!" Alex hissed, throwing her shoes to the floor as her temper flared.

"Was your sneaking in supposed to be a secret?" he taunted, as if he didn't know.

She shot him a glare and a middle finger, just as their mother entered the room. "Alexandra, we need to talk..."

Smirking, Scott scuttled out of the room, maintaining eye contact with his sister the entire time, visibly gloating over having gotten her in trouble.

The moment he was out of earshot, Eleanor demanded, "Where have you been all day?"

"Out," she answered flatly.

"That's not an answer. You didn't come down for breakfast this morning – you obviously didn't sleep in your bed. You didn't call, didn't tell anyone where you were going, and now you show up without a word of explanation and wearing someone else's clothes, by the way... You'd better start talking, Alexandra."

"I slept over at a friend's house, she lent me some clothes," she lied, "It's not a big deal." (In truth, Emily had lent her some clothes after she'd thrown up in the hospital waiting room from an overabundance of nerves.)

Her mother sent her a frosty glare. "I won't tolerate this kind of disrespectful attitude – your behaviour lately..."

"God, Mom, give me a _break_!" Alex interrupted. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe I'm going through something right now!?"

Her mother seemed too stunned to say anything, mouth hanging open slightly, just long enough for Alex to realize she'd made a mistake, but the words kept spilling forth, seemingly beyond her control.

"You treat me like I'm still a child, but I'm _not_! I've got real problems and you don't care at all because you're too busy trying to control me!" she shouted. "Maybe that's why I never tell you anything!"

"Alexandra Claire Miller, you cannot talk to me like this!" Eleanor scolded.

"Shut up, Mom! Just shut up!" Alex cried out. Then, without stopping to wait for a reaction, she ran upstairs and slammed her bedroom door behind her.

She fell to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably, until she was struggling to breathe.


	23. Chapter 23

Struggling for breath, heart racing, Alex ducked into the nearest classroom, slamming the door shut behind her to drown out the noise of what seemed to be the entire school whispering. She crammed herself into the furthest corner of the room, knees to her chest, making herself as small as possible. She couldn't stop shaking, had no control over any part of herself – she felt like she was falling apart at the seams.

Somehow, word of the rape had gotten around school. She didn't know who'd started the rumour or how they'd known, but it seemed like everywhere she turned, people were staring at her, whispering about her; some seemed sympathetic, but most seemed judgemental and condescending. Like she was a slut. Like she'd wanted it. Like she'd _deserved_ it.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore – tears building her in her eyes, panic attack building in her chest, breakdown imminent, she'd blindly dashed through the hallways until she found a safe haven for her to fall apart.

She couldn't have said how long she'd been hiding, whether it was five minutes or five hours, when there was a knock at the door. Before she could beg the person not to come in, the door creaked open and a familiar voice said, "Alex? Everything okay?"

"I'm fine," she said in a warbling voice, "Please, go away."

Footsteps approached until the intruder was sitting across from her. "Alex," he said gently. "Alex, it's me. It's okay."

She looked up sharply. "Derek?"

He offered her a gentle smile. "Just breathe, okay?" He reached over to clasp her hands in his. "Breathe."

She let out a shaky exhale, sniffled, blinking too often. "You know, don't you?" she asked because how could he not know...

He nodded solemnly. "I've heard the rumours. But as far as I know, it's just a rumour."

"It's true," she confirmed. She gave a humourless little laugh. "How could I be so stupid, right?"

"Alex, you're the least stupid person I know," he vowed, squeezing her hands.

She scoffed, shook her head.

"Hey, I'm serious," he insisted. "Alex, look at me." He waited for her eyes to meet his. "You are _not_ stupid. This was not your fault."

"How do you know?"

"Because the same thing happened to me," he said firmly.

"Wh-what?" she asked, voice sharp and surprised.

He nodded. "My football coach. It started when my father died – at first, he was like a father figure to me...but slowly, things changed and he started asking for _things_. I didn't tell anyone because I needed him to get me a football scholarship because that's the only way I'll get to college. Maybe I should have told, but..." He shook his head.

"But you didn't want people to judge you, to think of you differently," she supplied.

He nodded wistfully. "When you're in high school, what people think of you feels like the only thing that matters. I'm so sorry that word got out – I can't imagine how exposed that must make you feel. But you don't need to be ashamed; you didn't ask for this, you didn't want this, and you certainly didn't deserve this."

"Then why?" she begged, once again on the verge of tears. "Why did it happen if I didn't deserve it?"

He sighed softly. "You'll drive yourself crazy asking that question because there isn't an answer – at least, not a good one. Not one you want to hear." He'd spent long enough dwelling on that very same question to know that no good would come from obsessing over it.

"I'm already going crazy," she whispered. "I can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate – my grades are already starting to slip..." Then, quieter, "I feel like he's slowly taking every part of me."

"Don't give him that much credit – he can't have any part of you that you refuse to let him have. He can't take anything that you don't give him." His stare was intense, trying to make her see. "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, stronger than his attempts to break you down."

"He's already taken everything – that's kind of the point," she scoffed.

"I felt that way for a really long time." he agreed. "But with time, I came to realize that I'm a whole person – not in spite of what happened, but because of it. Because he showed me the strength and resilience I have inside of me that he can never ever take away from me. Those are the things I hold onto when it feels like I have nothing and no one."

She gave a small humourless laugh because, if there was one thing she agreed with, it was that she felt like there was no one in her corner. "I feel so alone," she whispered, her hands shaking in his. "Everyone knows, but no one cares."

"Now that's just not true. _I_ care. And I know for a fact that Emily cares about you more than she's ever cared about anyone, more than she cares about herself. She'd do literally anything for you if she thought it would make you happy."

"That's the problem," she insisted. "She still loves me, even though it's _my_ fault that this happened..."

"Alex, no..."

"It is! _I'm_ the one that asked her for a break, _I'm_ the one who pushed her away, _I'm_ the one who agreed to meet him for coffee – none of this would have happened if I hadn't been so stupid!" she lashed out. "Sooner or later, she's going to realize that and blame me..."

"Alex, Emily is crazy about you and she's not going to give a damn about this because she loves you."

"I wish she didn't," she whispered. "Everything would be easier if she would hate me like I deserve."

"Well, that's just not going to happen," he insisted. "I know Emily well enough to know that once she's decided you're important to her, she's going to walk through fire for you whether you want her to or not. She's entirely too stubborn for her own good." He shrugged. "You should probably just accept the fact that you'd sooner outrun light itself than escape Emily's love."


	24. Chapter 24

Alex and Emily stood crammed into the little coffee shop bathroom, hands tightly clasped together, staring at the timer on Emily's phone as it ticked down the final minute.

Alex was practically vibrating with nervous energy and it was all Emily could do not to chew her nails to shreds, but she knew she had to hold it together, to be the strong steady one for Alex who was _barely_ holding it together.

Alex had always been the calm and collected one, the one who always picked up the pieces of Emily's breakdowns, the one who held everything together no matter what. The one thing Emily could depend on in the tumultuous sea of her life. Now, it was her turn to be the anchor and she wasn't entirely sure she was up to the task...

Not when she knew how this was going to turn out.

From her vantage point, she could already see the second pink line, bright as day. Already knew the answer. Had known from the moment Alex had texted her asking her to pick up the test from the drugstore because her parents checked her bank statements and would ask too many questions.

Had known because Alex wouldn't have asked if she wasn't sure. Because they weren't that lucky that it would be negative.

She exhaled a shaky breath, trying to keep her frazzled nerves from fraying further as her mind raced with all the possible ways this situation could spiral out of control. She didn't have the luxury of freaking out right now, she reminded herself as the timer went off and she could feel Alex start to tremble. She squeezed her hand tighter, anchoring her in that moment (the last moment she'd have before everything fell apart...).

"Whatever happens," she prefaced what came next, "Remember that I'm here for you. No matter what." She didn't bother trying to smile, knew she couldn't muster one anyway.

That simple sentence was enough to give away the answer and Alex sank to her knees with an anguished cry. She clapped a hand over her mouth and, for a moment, looked like she might throw up, even if there was nothing left in her stomach to come up.

Emily fell to her knees beside her, wrapping her arms around her, holding her for dear life because her physical presence was all she had to offer in that moment. One hand stroked up and down her back as she sobbed breathlessly.

"What am I going to do?" Alex begged, choking on each syllable. "I can't have a baby! I can't... I can't..." She was hyperventilating then, unable to get any further words out.

"We don't have to decide anything right now, okay?" Emily soothed. "One step at a time, right?"

"How did this even happen?" Alex demanded, suddenly angry, pushing her away. "I took the morning after pill like you said and it didn't do a damn thing!"

Emily did a quick Google search on her phone, then winced. "Apparently, it's only like sixty percent effective after twenty-four hours," she informed her.

"So, it's my fault?"

"What? No! That's not what I..." She exhaled slowly, gripped Alex's shoulder to ground her. "Alex, none of this is your fault and we can't go back and change any of it. But we _do_ have to deal with it moving forward."

"Why do you keep saying _we_?" she asked, half demand, half petulant whine.

Emily looked at her like it was the stupidest thing she'd ever heard her say. "Because we're in this together. I don't care if you don't want me here, I'm going to be whether you like it or not. You need someone beside you."

"But _why_?"

"Because I love you, Alex! I've always loved you and that's not about to change any time soon."

For a few moments, a laden silence followed as Alex seemed to decide what to do with that information, whether she truly believed it...

For her part, Emily was glad to have finally said the words aloud. She reached over to stroke away the stray hairs that had stuck to Alex's tear-stained cheeks. Then, one hand resting on her cheek, she sighed, biting back the urge to lean in and kiss her. "You should probably take a few days to weigh your options," she murmured instead. "Go home, get some sleep and..."

"I can't go home," Alex insisted, interrupting her guidance. "Everything makes me throw up and sooner or later they're going to figure out why – assuming they don't hear the rumours first..." She laughed a little frantically. It was a small miracle they didn't know already...

"You can come home with me, my mother is out of town for a week," she offered. Then, seeing the wariness in her eyes, she added softer, "You can have the guest room." She tried not to let on just how deep it cut her that Alex no longer seemed to fully trust her (tried to remember that she'd just been violated in a major way and probably didn't fully trust anyone just then).

Alex nodded once, twice, swallowing thickly. "Yeah, that would be nice." She attempted a smile.

Emily returned the smile – a little softer, a little more genuine. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay?" she encouraged, helping her to stand.

"Are you saying I look like shit?" she asked, joking weakly. For the briefest of moments, she smiled, a familiar twinkle in her eyes.

Emily smiled, cupping her cheek, thumb tracing gently along her cheekbone. "There it is," she murmured, "That beautiful smile."

Alex cleared her throat bashfully, avoiding eye contact as Emily wet a paper towel and mopped the tears off her puffy cheeks.

"Before we go home, you need to eat something," Emily insisted. "You need to take care of yourself while we make a decision."

"I'll just throw it up," she dismissed.

"Just a croissant, then. Some juice. Anything. Then, if you throw that up, I'll hold your hair back, okay?"

Without any words, Alex threw her arms around Emily's neck, holding on for dear life.


	25. Chapter 25

In the middle of the night, Emily was woken from a fitful sleep by a knock on her bedroom door. "Emily?" came Alex's timid voice, sounding completely unlike herself.

Sitting up with a yawn, Emily called out, "Is everything okay?"

"No... Maybe..." She sighed. "I don't know. Can I come in?"

"Of course," Emily said, concern knitting her brows as Alex's unsure face peered through the open door. "Are you sick?"

"No," she whispered, tiptoeing into the room. "I was just..." She choked on a sob, trailing off. "Can I stay here tonight? I can't fall asleep."

"Of course," she said again, moving over to make room in the bed. In the hint of moonlight gleaming in through the window, she could see that Alex had been crying and felt a surge of guilt that she hadn't been there to help quell her fears. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly.

"Not really," she mumbled, laying back and staring at the ceiling. For a few moments, Emily just stared at her in silence, concerned. "But you could hold me..." Alex whispered, barely breaking the silence.

Smiling faintly, Emily snuggled next to her – close enough to kiss her cheek, with only emotional distance preventing it. She wanted to say that she'd missed her, missed this closeness, but now was not the time. She wasn't sure that time would ever arrive again...

"What would you do?" Alex asked at length. She didn't need to specify further what she meant, the matter all too obvious to the both of them.

"Alex, I can't..." she started to protest.

"Please," she begged, "I feel like I'm drowning here..."

Emily sighed. "Could I afford a kid? If I used my trust fund. Could I _raise_ a kid? Probably not on my own. Would my mother kill me? Absolutely." None of those was technically an answer to the question that had been asked, but they were the only answers she had to offer.

"Do you _want_ a kid?" she pressed, refusing to settle for Emily's deliberate non-answers.

"I don't know," she admitted. It was the best she could do in that moment, even if it felt horribly inadequate to say so.

Alex heaved a sigh. "I don't know either..." She chewed her lip. "How could I _not_ know? Shouldn't I have some sort of maternal instinct or something?"

"Alex, it's barely an embryo right now, it makes sense that you don't feel a connection yet," Emily assured her. "I know that if you choose to go forward with this pregnancy, you absolutely will find that connection inside you. But right now...its absolutely okay not to feel anything."

Swallowing thickly, Alex sought out Emily's hand, squeezing it tightly when she found it. "I feel like... I feel like if I keep it, it's giving _him_ some kind of ownership over me – over my body, over my life."

"Alex..."

"And does that mean I've doomed the baby to a rapist for a father?"

"Oh, Alex, no!" Emily declared firmly. "I'd spend my whole trust fund on lawyers to make sure he _never_ sees that baby." A pause. "Assuming that's what you want to do."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," she dismissed quietly then, as she threw up a wall to keep Emily from seeing something she wasn't sure she wanted anyone to see.

Emily knew she was trying to ignore the issue, pretend it wasn't happening...not that she could blame her. She knew better than to push too hard, though, simply letting the issue lie. It wasn't worth the damage that would come from digging.

"Just close your eyes," she murmured. "Close your eyes and try to fall asleep." She tenderly stroked Alex's hair, twisting her fingers in the soft chocolate locks.

"How can I possibly fall asleep?" Alex asked, rather petulantly.

"Close your eyes," she repeated. "I'll tell you a story."

Alex cracked one eye open, looking at her skeptically.

"Just trust me, okay?"

Reluctantly, she let her eye fall closed again.

"Do you remember our first date?" Emily asked in a whisper once she'd obeyed. "I felt so awkward and ridiculous... I really wanted to impress you, so I dressed way too fancy and you weren't even sure it _was_ a date, so you wore jeans."

She paused, giggled. "You still looked so cute, you gave me butterflies. I took you to my favourite little indie bookstore and told you to pick out your favourite book in the whole world and I'd do the same, then we'd trade. I was worried you'd think it was a stupid idea or that I'm a big dork or something, but the way your eyes lit up when I explained it...

"Afterwards, I took you to a nearby bistro for lunch because they serve this chocolate cheesecake and every Friday, you brought a brownie for lunch so I knew you liked chocolate. I'll never forget that smile when you tried it – you had chocolate on the corner of your mouth...I wanted to kiss you so badly."

She paused her story, glanced down at Alex who was nuzzled into her side, eyes closed, breathing soft and even. She smiled softly and, trying not to disturb her, moved to lie down and go to sleep.

"Why didn't you?" a faint voice asked the darkness.

"Why didn't I what?" Emily asked.

"Why didn't you kiss me?"

"Because what could someone like you possibly see in someone like me?" she asked, though it was rhetorical and had long since been answered...even if the answer seemed to be under debate at the moment.

Silence fell once again and Emily wrapped her arms around Alex, keeping her close, as if for the last time. She couldn't fall asleep, though, not after the day's events, not when she had everything that mattered in her arms and yet still so far away. She lay there staring up at the ceiling, wishing for things she couldn't have.

Alex broke the silence again, answering the rhetorical questions with a soft, " _Everything_."


	26. Chapter 26

Emily waited, listening for the shower to turn on. Then, once it did, she slipped out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind her as she dialled her phone.

"Hello?" Beth answered, voice thick with sleep, given the early hour. She yawned heavily, groaned as she stretched.

"Hey," Emily murmured, unusually muted. "Can we talk?" She leaned back against the wall, sliding down the surface to crouch down on the floor. She unconsciously gnawed on the thumbnail of the hand not holding the phone.

"Everything okay?" she asked, concern genuine. "You haven't been yourself lately..."

She sighed. That was the understatement of the year... "No, not really," she admitted, tearing the ragged edge of her nail off. "But I can't really talk about it."

Beth hummed a curious – and, if Emily wasn't mistaken, judgemental – note. "Does this thing you can't talk about have anything to do with the rumour about Alex sleeping around?"

A bubble of anger burst in her chest and she had to hold herself back from saying something hurtful in reply about exactly how easy Beth herself had been... "She didn't _sleep around_ – she was raped!" she snapped. Then, she clapped a hand over her mouth, guilt surging through her (whether from shouting at her or from spilling Alex's secret, she couldn't have been sure). "I'm sorry I shouted at you, but you _cannot_ be spreading the rumour that she's a slut or something!"

"I'm sorry, okay?" Beth said defensively, the roll of her eyes practically audible. "That's just the rumour I heard."

"Well, it's wrong."

"Is this why you called?" Beth asked, sounding irritated. (Possibly because she was tired, but more likely because she saw where this was going.)

"No. I, umm... I was actually calling because, well, because we need to break up," she stammered. She hated how unsure she sounded, how unconfident in her decision. Not because she _was_ unconfident, but because she'd known from the start that she never should have gone down this road to begin with.

A scoff. "Of _course_..."

Emily frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You were never over her," Beth accused. "I thought that moving forward with me meant you were moving on and we could really have something, but you were just _using_ me. You were using me as a distraction until Alex was ready to take you back. You toyed with me, you toyed with my feelings – you _knew_ how much I liked you and you made me think you liked me back – and you just treated me like _garbage_!"

"That's not true and you know it," Emily retorted.

"Isn't it?" she challenged. "What do you call using me, then?"

"I didn't _use_ you! I made it perfectly clear that I wasn't looking for anything serious, that I had no intention of moving on – you knew the stakes and _you_ chose to play along. This is _not_ my fault!"

Beth let out a huff. "Well, excuse me for catching feelings! But if you didn't want that, you could've tried a little harder not to give me mixed signals like, say, by not sleeping with me..."

"I'm sorry, okay?" she said without any actual sincerity, refusing to feel guilty over something that hadn't been her fault to begin with. "But we're done." Behind the door, the shower turned off. "I have to go."

She slipped back into the room, pocketing her phone as she went, just in time for Alex to emerge from the bathroom. Never one to miss anything – certainly not an emotion, no matter how small, as it crossed Emily's face – Alex's brows creased with gentle concern at whatever she saw there. "Everything alright?" she asked.

"Yeah," she lied, forcing a smile she didn't feel. "I was just talking to Derek. He just wanted to check up on me – _us_..." She changed the subject quickly before any further questions could ensue. "How are you feeling? Your stomach, I mean... You kept down your dinner last night – meagre as it was – maybe we should get you some breakfast."

Alex settled on the edge of the bed, drying her hair with a towel. "Can we have something delivered?" she asked meekly. "I can't stand the smell of coffee in the morning and anywhere we go is going to _reek_ of it..."

"Absolutely. As long as it's healthy. Maybe a bagel and some fruit, granola, and yogurt," she listed. "Maybe we should go out and get you some prenatal vitamins too," she added as an afterthought. "I know you're still considering, but best to cover all your bases for the time being..."

"You're such a mom," Alex said, almost jokingly as Emily finished her mother-henning. Then, almost immediately, she blanched as the realization of what she'd said dawned on her.

Emily immediately recognized her panic and reached for her hands to steady her. "Hey," she said gently. "You're not going to freak me out, okay? Nothing you say will scare me off."

"I don't want any of this to be happening," she lamented, hanging her head, her hair falling in a damp curtain past her face, preventing Emily from seeing the building tears in her eyes. "I don't want to make these decisions, I don't want to have a baby – I want to graduate and go to college and get married and live a normal life! I don't want to burden you with any of this! And I _don't_ want to make these decisions!"

"Okay, okay," she soothed. She gently tucked Alex's hair behind her ear, then smudged away an errant tear. "First of all, you are _not_ a burden. We are going to do this together – not because I feel like I _have_ to be here, but because I _want_ to. Okay?"

"But..."

She squeezed Alex's shoulder to ground her, to make her focus on her. "I want to be your shoulder to cry on or to share your joy with. I want to hold your hand through any and every scary medical procedure. I want to mourn with you or celebrate with you. Everything this decision brings with it, I want to be a part of. Because I love you. All of you. Even the things you don't love about yourself. I am ready to love you through this.

"I am going to be there for every single second of it because you should not have to do any of this alone. Not now, not ever. Because here's the thing: I'm stubborn. You probably already knew that, of course, but the point is that I'm too stubborn to take no for an answer right now. Got it?"

All Alex could do was swallow down the threat of tears and nod her head, even as a smile threatened.


	27. Chapter 27

A knock sounded on Alex's bathroom door with alarmingly precise timing.

She had just finished throwing up and didn't quite trust herself to stand just then. Her head was swimming and her hands were shaking, she felt like death warmed over. She was starting to wish she'd stayed at Emily's house one more night because at least Emily would take care of her without needing any lies or explanations or truth bending to understand the situation which would undoubtly not be the case with whomever stood on the other side of the door.

"I'm fine," she insisted, voice warbling, hoping to ward off any interrogation before it started.

"It's just me," Danny said softly, worry audible in his voice. "I know you're not okay..."

"Please don't come in," she begged. "I'm not feeling well and..."

He tried the doorknob (which was thankfully locked) in spite of her assurances. "Please let me in, Al. It's me, okay? It's just me."

Alex sighed shakily, reaching up to unlatch the door in spite of the fear rising up her throat with the threat of further vomiting.

Danny poked his head into the little bathroom, face falling at seeing just how _sick_ she looked. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me," he murmured with an apologetic smile. He held out a little gas station bag to her. At her raised brow, he explained, "I thought you might need some provisions..."

She took the proffered bag, finding it filled with ginger ale, saltines, and a popsicle. "You know, don't you?" she asked sullenly. She unwrapped the popsicle, grateful for the cool sensation on her ravaged throat. (She didn't miss the fact that Danny had remembered her favourite flavour from when they were kids.)

He shrugged. "It's kind of obvious," he admitted.

She closed her eyes, ducked her head, too ashamed to say anything. Too worried about disappointing her brother.

He knelt down across from her – no easy feat in the tiny en-suite. "Al, I need you to be honest with me, okay? I'll believe whatever you tell me and I'll only ask once: does this have anything to do with that night I picked you up from the coffee shop?"

She willed herself to meet his eyes, reluctant though she was. In his gaze, she saw only genuine concern, genuine care.

"You can tell me," he assured her. "I won't tell anyone else."

She nodded slowly, reluctantly.

"Did he...?"

She nodded again. Then, before he could say anything more, words spilled forth, seemingly beyond her control. "Emily made me go to the hospital and I took a morning after pill, but obviously it didn't work and now I don't know what I'm going to do because I can't just have a kid – Mom and Dad would kill me, then disown me – but how could I _not_ have it, you know?" She shook her head. "How do I do any of this?"

"You ask for help," he answered gently. At her dubious expression, he added, "You know I'll do anything for you, Al. You're my little sister."

She gave a wobbly smile. "That's really sweet."

He chucked her under the chin playfully. "Just don't tell anyone or my reputation is ruined."

* * *

Alex pushed her food around her plate, trying to make it look like she was eating, even though her stomach was churning. Danny glanced at her occasionally, worry in his expression, but she was trying hard not to meet his eyes, afraid she might break down completely.

"You won't believe the case the Captain asked my opinion on today," her father spoke up, interrupting the quiet clamour of the meal. "Apparently, some teenage whore got herself knocked up and now she's crying rape..."

"What?" Alex choked.

"Just like teenage girls these days," he continued as if she hadn't spoken, "They cross the line with their boyfriend, then get scared that they'll get dumped, so they make up some story about being raped."

"No one would make up a story about being raped," Alex insisted, trying not to let her voice betray her. "Especially to the police."

Damon scoffed. "They'll do anything to keep the blame off themselves – to make themselves look like the good girls their parents think they are."

"Assuming their parents _care_ ," she muttered under her breath.

Choosing to ignore Alex's sass, her mother asked, "Why did the Captain as for your opinion, Dear?"

"Who knows?" He shrugged. "But you can bet I told him not to believe a word of it." He shook his head, clicked his tongue. "Why, if _my_ daughter got herself knocked up, then instead of taking responsibility, tried to ruin some innocent boy's life...you can bet I'd kick her straight to the streets!"

Alex stood suddenly, chair scraping loudly across the floor. "Well, it _was_ your daughter!" she shouted, slamming her palms on the table. "It was _me_ , okay!?"

"What?" her father said, voice low and dangerous.

"You're _pregnant_?" Eleanor exclaimed.

"Yeah, I'm the stupid slut who doesn't know how to use a condom, I guess," she snapped. "You must be so proud..."

"Alexandra Claire," Damon said slowly, "How could you do this to our family? How could you be so stupid?"

"You're right, I should have thought about you when he was holding me down and raping me!" She was clenching her fists so hard that her nails were cutting into her palms.

"Maybe you should have thought about me – about my career – when you filed this police report," he retorted. "Do you know how it makes me look to have a- a..."

"A what, Dad? A whore for a daughter?"

"I didn't raise a whore," he insisted. "Obviously, you'll have to do the right thing – you'll rescind that police report and marry that boy, raise that baby right."

"Like hell I will! I'm not marrying the guy that raped me!" she said firmly. "I'd rather kill myself!" She didn't truly mean that, but in that moment, she was barely hanging on to control.

Eleanor gasped, shocked by her statement.

Damon just glowered.

"I don't know what I'm doing with this baby, but I sure as _hell_ won't be raising it with that monster and I _won't_ be rescinding those charges because he deserves to rot in jail for what he did to me! And if you won't support me, then I don't think I need to stay under your roof any longer!"

"And go where?" Damon scoffed.

"Anywhere but here!"

With that, she stomped upstairs, grabbed a duffel bag and started cramming her possessions inside. Tears streamed down her face, breath hitching in frantic sobs.

" **Please, I need you to pick me up right now,"** she texted Emily, begging, **"I need you..."**


	28. Chapter 28

Emily gently dabbed at the nail marks in Alex's palm with antiseptic, making her wince, hiss in pain. "Sorry," she whispered.

Alex shook her head. "It's fine."

"So..." Emily prompted, "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Alex was suddenly intensely interested in her hand. "Just...an argument," she mumbled.

"Just an argument?" Emily repeated skeptically. "You brought a suitcase that looks like it holds your entire life..."

She heaved a frustrated sigh. "Okay, so maybe it was more like a massive blow-out." She shut her eyes tight. "I basically burned all my bridges with my parents. I'm totally screwed!"

"We'll figure something out," Emily promised, taping the gauze around her palm.

"Like what?" she demanded. "It's not like I can stay here with you and I certainly can't go home..."

"I have money," she suggest quietly.

"What?"

"It should be enough to last for a year until my trust fund kicks in when I graduate." She still had a grip on Alex's hand, probably tighter than was comfortable.

"Are you really suggesting..."

"What choice do we have?" Emily asked. "You can't live on the street, especially if you have a baby."

"But what you're offering..." It seemed like she couldn't find the end to any of her sentences today.

She shrugged. "I know living together is a big step, but I know we can do this. We don't have to stay in the same room – if we keep the baby, I could sleep in the nursery to help take care of it and..." She trailed off, looking chagrined. "I know it's a lot to take in."

"No kidding."

"Just think about it, okay? I'm not trying to pressure you into anything you're not ready for, I just want what's best for you and your baby. I just want to help."

"I know," she whispered, attempted a smile.

Emily mirrored her smile, stroked a hand along Alex's cheek. She wanted to tell her that she'd never looked more beautiful, that she was glowing, but wasn't sure Alex wanted to hear that just then. Instead, she murmured, "I know things are still a little, well, weird between us, but...I'd really like to kiss you right now." Her cheeks pinked a little at the confession. "If you don't... If that's not okay..."

Alex's smile softened at Emily's sudden awkwardness. "I'd like that," she whispered, then closed the distance between them.

* * *

Emily was in the middle of preparing breakfast for Alex when there was a knock on the front door. Curious, considering that she wasn't expecting any visitors, she opened the door to find Danny on the other side. Brows quirked, she asked, "Can I help you?" She knew that he was the one person who had always been supportive of Alex, but she was suspicious nonetheless.

"I need to see Alex," he answered.

"She's still in bed," Emily said, perhaps a little defensively.

Danny offered a smile then. "I know you're just trying to protect her, after everything that went down with our parents, but I promise I'm not here to upset her. My parents don't even know I'm here."

She sighed wearily, but nodded, stood back to let him in. "I'll go get her."

* * *

Gently, she shook Alex awake. "Morning, Beautiful," she greeted.

Alex groaned, pulled the blankets up over her head. "What time is it?" she mumbled, voice muffled by the covers.

"Early," she admitted, "But you have a visitor."

Alex pulled the blankets down just enough for Emily to see her eyes which were curious, but wary.

"Your brother," she answered the unasked question. Then, amended, "Danny."

Reluctantly, she climbed out of bed, pulling Emily's robe around herself, offering Emily a shy smile as she did so. When she emerged into the foyer where Danny was waiting, she hesitated for a few moments before throwing her arms around his neck. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No, Al, no. You have nothing to be sorry for," he assured her.

When she released him, there was a long pause. "Why are you here, Danny? I would have thought Mom and Dad would have forbidden you from seeing me..."

"They did. But I don't care. Actually, I came because I have news..."

"Good news, I hope."

"Actually, yes." He smiled hopefully. "I, umm, I just heard back from that country band I auditioned for and...they want me! They're paying for me to relocate to Nashville!"

"Oh, Danny, that's great!" she exclaimed, hugging him again. "I'm so proud of you!"

"That's not all..." She raised a brow. He pulled an envelope of cash out of his back pocket, holding it out to her, but saying nothing.

Both brows leapt up her forehead. "What is all this?"

"I've been busking for the last few months and I was saving up to buy a one-way bus ticket to Nashville, but now... I want you to have it."

"What? Why?"

"Come with me," he urged, "To Nashville. We can get a place together and..." He trailed off, seeing the way her gaze leapt to Emily's. "She can come too," he said. "All of us. We'll make it work."

Emily spoke up then from her vantage point on the edge of the foyer. "And what about the baby?"

Danny seemed to falter slightly at that. "Things will be tight, but between the three of us, I'm sure we can do it. It might mean Al has to postpone college for a few years, but I know it's important to her, so we'll find a way."

Alex chewed her lip in thought. "When would we leave?"

"A week. I know it's not much time, but I've thought of everything. We can enroll you in school out there or do it online – I know how to forge Dad's signature," he rambled.

She nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "Okay."

"What?" Danny asked, surprised.

"What?" Emily yelped, startled.

"I need to do this," Alex said, catching Emily's gaze, perhaps a little sadly. "I need a way out from under my parents' thumb... I know you understand that. I need a fresh start.

"And what about _us_?" Emily whispered.


	29. Chapter 29

" _And what about us?" Emily whispered._

For a moment, in the face of such a desperate plea, such raw emotion, Alex seemed to falter. No longer able to meet Emily's eyes and remain strong in the face of her falling apart before her, her gaze dropped to her stomach – it had just the slightest swell of distention now, obvious only if you knew to look for it – and saddened. "Emily..." she whispered, then faltered again, not sure what to say, not sure there was anything at all...

"I thought we were going to do this together?" Emily pleaded. Alex wasn't sure she'd ever heard Emily so desolate.

"We still can," she mumbled, though she didn't sound nearly as certain as she'd hoped. "I mean... I want to, but..." She shrugged emptily, sighed wearily. "I don't really have a choice, Jo."

"Yes, you do – _we_ do," Emily insisted. "We can get a place together here; I have money, I can make this work."

"Al, if you want to stay here, you can use the money and..." Danny offered, seeing the desperation, the unsureness on his sister's face as she was pulled in two different directions, afraid of disappointing anyone, of making the wrong choice.

Alex shook her head slowly, sadly. She exhaled slowly, steeling her resolve as she made a decision she wasn't sure she wanted to make. "I have to go to Nashville. I need this fresh start." She met Emily's gaze then. "Emily, I want you to come to Nashville with me. I want to do this – whatever _this_ is – together. I need your help. But only if you want to."

"I..." she stammered. "I don't know, Alex." She sniffled, tears filling her eyes. "I love you, Alex, more than anything, but what you're asking...it's a lot. You have to understand."

She nodded, almost numbly. "I do understand. I'll understand whatever choice you make." She said it with so much conviction, so much genuine understanding that it made Emily want to cry.

Emily swallowed thickly, tongue flicking out over her bottom lip. "Thanks. I, umm, thanks..." She attempted a smile, but knew how hollow it looked.

A moment of uneasy detente followed between the three of them, each looking from one to the other as if waiting for someone to break.

"I just need a moment," Alex whispered, shattering the moment with barely audible words. She scrubbed a hand through her still sleep-mussed hair, teeth sinking into her bottom lip. She proceeded to lock herself in the bathroom, presumably to break down where no one could see but the mirror.

For a long moment, there was more silence, different from before. Emily determinedly tried to avoid Danny's gaze, fearing his judgement, his condemnation.

Eventually, he spoke up, "I'm going to go. But...you should take some time to consider."

* * *

Emily knocked on the bathroom door, unsure if Alex would even want to speak to her just then (or possible ever again). "I, umm, I made pancakes. With blueberries, the way you like. If you want to eat alone, I'll go upstairs and..."

The door creaked open then, Alex emerging, red eyed and puffy cheeked from crying. "No," she whispered, "I don't want to be alone." Then, almost under her breath, "Not if this is our last week together."

Emily didn't respond to that, too stunned to form words. She merely nodded dumbly, never meeting her gaze.

The two ate in silence for what felt like years, centuries even – so long that it felt as if they'd never speak again. Emily couldn't help but feel like things had been doomed from the start – nothing good ever lasted for her. She always managed to push away people she cared for. It was like Father Guimino had once told her: she was rotten to the core... She hadn't believed it at the time, but she was starting to believe it now.

Seeming to sense Emily's sudden sadness, Alex murmured, "These are really good pancakes...you didn't burn them at all this time."

She couldn't help the wet little laugh that bubbled up in spite of the layer of overwhelming sadness weighing down on the moment. "Thanks... I figured I should learn if, you know, we might one day have a kid." She shrugged. "I always wished my mom would make me pancakes when I was little like the moms on TV did. I told myself that if I ever had a kid, I'd be the mom I always wished for." A beat. Then, a sudden realization. "Oh my God, Alex, I'm so sorry – I didn't mean to unload on you like that. I'm not trying to pressure you or anything, I swear!"

There were so many things she wanted to say in that moment – like I know you'll be a great mother. Like I want to raise this baby together. Like come to Nashville with me...

She said none of them.

Because Emily needed to come to that decision on her own. It had to be on her own terms. It was the only way they could be together, be happy, be a _family_.

When too much time had passed to be comfortable, she cleared her throat, picking up her dishes and carrying them into the kitchen so she could have a moment alone. Leaning over the sink, chest heaving, Alex attempted to collect herself because the last thing she wanted to do with their final days together was spend it walking on eggshells.

Speaking up in a trembling voice, she called into the dining room, "Would you... I mean, do you want to... Can we go on a date?" She winced at her own sudden lack of eloquence. "I want to spend time with you," she clarified, "Together. Like we used to."

_Before everything fell apart_ was the silent addition that they both heard without the words ever having been said.

Emily peered around the corner, into the kitchen, studying Alex as if trying to decide whether she was serious. Eventually, she nodded, wearing a wobbly smile. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd really like that."


	30. Chapter 30

Emily sat perched on the edge of her bed, watching as Alex packed up the meagre possessions she'd managed to collect on her way out of her parents' house. It was starting to feel really _real_ that she was actually leaving...she didn't _want_ it to be real, didn't want to face a future without Alex in it, but wasn't sure she could make the kind of commitment that went with moving across the country.

"Hopefully Danny managed to collect some of my things before Dad threw everything out," Alex remarked drily, realizing how few things she still had.

"Hmm?" Alex's words had broken her out of the internal debate that was currently being waged in her mind and she struggled to form a response.

Alex just smiled, shook her head fondly.

"You really think your parents would get rid of your stuff?" Emily asked, brain catching up to the conversation.

"They're not exactly sentimental," she said, shrugged. "They're probably glad to be rid of me."

Emily knew the feeling of not being wanted and it killed her inside that Alex had to know that pain too. "I'm not," she whispered, even if it went without saying. She sniffled softly, trying hard to keep the flood of tears that threatened at bay.

"Don't cry," Alex begged. "You know how hormonal I've been lately, I _will_ fall apart if you start crying..."

She nodded, sniffled again, saying nothing. Clearing her throat, she changed the subject, "If you need clothes or anything, you can steal whatever you like. It's not like I'll miss it." Then, a smirk playing about her lips, added, "Just like you stole my shirt already..."

Alex glanced down as if only just considering her attire: an oversized band T-shirt Emily usually wore to sleep in...and little else. She shrugged. "It's soft, it smells like you, and it hides my belly..."

"I happen to like your belly," Emily murmured, "You look beautiful."

Her cheeks pinked at the compliment. "You _always_ say that."

"And I always mean it. But especially now. In fact..." She purred a low note, reaching for Alex's hips.

Alex quirked a brow. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked, her voice husky from the implication of Emily's frisky mood.

"I want to celebrate..."

"Celebrate what?"

"You." She pulled Alex into her body, slowly pulling her T-shirt up to expose her belly. She pressed slow languid kisses to the slight swell, looking up at her through her lashes.

Alex's eyes fell shut at Emily's ministrations, a soft little whimper escaping her lips.

"I want you," Emily murmured against her skin. "But I know that right now you're not very comfortable with..."

Alex cut her off by reaching to gently tip Emily's chin up so she could lean in for a tender kiss. "Let's celebrate," she agreed.

Smirking, Emily pulled her into her lap, making her giggle. Her laughter turned into a soft moan as their lips connected, Emily's hand wandering along her bare thigh.

Alex wrapped her arms around Emily's neck, keeping herself anchored in that moment as he eyes fell shut. Emily's hand reached its destination, the back of her knuckles brushing her core through her panties.

She let out a shuddering breath, whispering her name. "Please, Em..." she begged.

"Someone's eager," she teased, mischievous smile playing about her lips. She leaned in for another kiss, swallowing Alex's moans as she brushed a thumb over her clit.

Alex tried to buck her hips, attempting to get more friction, but couldn't get the leverage. Emily got the hint, though, flipping them so Alex was laying back while she straddled her hips.

Thumb still teasing her clit, Emily attached her lips to Alex's throat, sucking at her pulse point. It was clear Alex was getting impatient, though, judging by the way she writhed beneath her.

Finally, Emily took pity on her, shifting down her body to once again lavish her slight belly with kisses while she tugged her panties down.

It didn't take long before Alex was crying her name, hips bucking, hands gripping the sheets until her knuckles turned white.

Collapsing beside her, Emily kissed her cheek with a smile. "I guess being hormonal has its benefits," she teased. Unconsciously, her hand came to rest on Alex's stomach.

For awhile, she was silent, thoughtful. "I want you to come to Nashville," she whispered at length.

"Alex..."

"Please, just listen..." she urged, gentle but desperate. "I know it's incredibly selfish of me and I know I'm asking you to give up your whole life here – your mother, your friends, your home – for a complete unknown. I'm asking you to struggle and not know if we'll be able to make ends meet. I'm asking you to take a huge leap of faith that we'll work out. I'm asking a _lot_...but I don't think I can do this on my own..."

For several long moments, Emily was silent, almost stunned by Alex's desperate admission.

In that silence, she continued on, "I want to keep this baby. In spite of how much harder it will make every part of my life, in spite of _everything_ , I want to keep it. And I want you to do it with me. I want everything you promised – all of it – because I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. Not now, not ever.

"But if that's not what you want... If you still want to be a teenager and go off to college and not be tied down by a baby, I won't hold that against you. I want you to be happy. And I know you made a lot of promises, but I'm not going to hold you to them if dragging you across the country is only going to make you miserable. If letting you go is what's going to make you happy, I'll do that."

Emily let out a shuddering breath, trying to hide the way she blinked back tears by nuzzling into Alex's neck. "I... I don't know what to say," she whispered, which was as true as anything else she might've said. "I don't want to be apart from you, I hope you know that..."

"Of course, I know," she insisted. "You've given me so much already, I won't ask you for anything more. Whatever you decide, I only want you to be happy."

Emily's smile was watery, even if Alex couldn't see it. "You mean so much to me," she murmured, lips brushing against her skin.

"I know," she agreed. If nothing else was true, that at least was...


	31. Chapter 31

Emily pushed her food around her plate with her fork, gaze distant and unfocused. Around her, the raucous clamour of the cafeteria faded into a distant roar, her mind a million miles away.

"Em? Emily?" Derek said, waving his hand in front of her face and failing to get her attention. "Emily, you're not even listening to me..."

"Huh?" she asked, looking up at him, confused at the sudden interruption to her daydreaming.

He rolled his eyes at her spacey mood. "Where the hell is your head at, Princess? You haven't been yourself lately..."

She sighed, setting her fork down and pushing her lunch away from her, no longer hungry. "I miss Alex," she confessed as if it were any sort of secret.

"You miss her or you _miss_ her?" he teased, waggling his brows in his signature playful manner.

She glared. "Don't be an ass," she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest, decidedly unamused. "I'm not horny, I love her."

"Then why didn't you go with her?" That was the million dollar question and he looked all too pleased with himself for having stumped her with it.

"Do you really think my mother was just going to let me run away?"

He looked at her skeptically. "Since when do you care what your mother thinks or says or does?"

"She has all the money and power in the world, it's not like I had a choice!" she snapped. "She'd track me to the ends of the earth just to keep me under her control."

He squinted, stared at her in silent evaluation of her motives. "Bullshit," he declared. "That's not the reason."

For a few moments, she managed to remain stoic. But only briefly before she huffed an irritated breath. "I'm scared, okay?"

"Scared?" he repeated dubiously.

"Fucking terrified," she repeated under her breath.

He scoffed. "Emily Prentiss isn't afraid of anything."

"Look, things just got really real really quickly, okay?" she defended herself, holding her hands up in self-defence.

"As opposed to before when things were fake?"

She rolled her eyes. "She asked me to move to _another state_ with her...to live together. And raise a baby. Together. Like as a family. Like as parents. I _love_ her, but we are _teenagers_!"

"I thought that's what you wanted..." he pointed out.

"It was. It _is_!" She sank her teeth into her bottom lip, closing her eyes and heaving a sigh. "I'm a fuck up, okay? I ruin every relationship I've ever had and it's only a matter of time before I ruin this one too! But when I do, it's not just one heart I break...it's a whole family ruined, a baby left with a single mother and attachment issues. And that's not to mention the fact that I'll be homeless because Mother would never take me back..."

He raised a brow. "Wow, dramatic much?"

"I'm serious!" she hissed. "How can I look Alex in the eye knowing that, sooner or later, I'll screw up and leave her raising a baby by herself – a baby I don't think she'll keep if I don't agree to help her. So, yeah, I'm being dramatic, but I think the situation warrants it."

"So, what? You're just going to abandon this girl you love because you think you're a jinx?" he asked sarcastically. "You know what? Maybe you're right: it _is_ better this way. If you're not going to stand up and be the person Alex and that baby deserve because you're _scared_ , then it's better that you never even try."

For a few moments, she blinked at him in surprise, mouth hanging open slightly.

"Alex deserves better than someone who abandons her to feel better about their own insecurities. If you can't be the person she needs now, then you never deserved her."

"I get it, okay?" she snapped. "You can stop being mean, you got your point across."

"Are you sure? 'Cause I got more where that came from..." he threatened.

"I'm sure! You were _very_ mean," she said with a pout.

He let himself smile then, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in to kiss her temple. "I was just trying to help."

* * *

"Going somewhere?"

Emily looked up sharply to see Elizabeth standing at the threshold to her room. "Yep." Without waiting for a response, she returned to her packing, carefully folding clothes and setting them into her suitcase. She could feel her mother's eyes burning into her back, but she had years of practice when it came to ignoring her mother's wrath.

Her mother raised a brow. "This is news to me..."

"Yep."

She didn't appear to find Emily's lack of detail amusing (though, to be fair, she was rarely amused by Emily's antics). "And where exactly are you travelling to?" she inquired. She crossed her arms firmly over her chest, ready to find fault with whatever answer Emily supplied.

"Nashville," she called out as she disappeared into the en-suite bathroom to collect her toothbrush.

"Whatever for?"

She sighed, stopped packing to fix her mother with a decidedly annoyed expression. "A debate competition. You already signed the permission slip," she lied. Then, for good measure, she muttered, "Not that you ever pay attention to anything I do..."

Elizabeth hummed a note that might've been disbelief. "I don't need your attitude, Emily. You've been unusually sullen and moody lately and, quite frankly, I'm getting tired of it."

"I'm fine," she lied, certainly not about to delve into the source of her sour mood with her mother, since said source was her pregnant (ex?) girlfriend who she was travelling to visit under false pretences.

Elizabeth shook her head, clearly doubting her daughter, but appearing reticent to get into any sort of discussion about feelings with her all the same. "Very well," she said at length. "Enjoy your debate competition."

If Emily was stunned by the almost cordial words, she didn't let on, merely accepting them with a tight smile. "I will," she confirmed as she returned to her packing.


	32. Chapter 32

"I'm so glad you're here, Jo," Alex effused for about the fiftieth time since Emily had gotten off the plane. She squeezed Emily's hand hard enough to make her knuckles pop and crack – whether from her excitement to see her or anxiety over the awaited ultrasound appointment, though, Emily couldn't be sure. "I've missed you," she added. She didn't ask if Emily planned to stay, but it was clear that she wanted to. "I've been going crazy trying to figure out how I'm going to do this on my own..."

Emily was rather surprised by that, though she tried to keep her expression encouraging and supportive. "So, you've decided to keep it?"

She shrugged. "Adoption is still on the table," she admitted. "But I'm struggling with it. I mean, no matter what decision I make, it's permanent."

Emily nodded slowly, deep in thought, unconsciously chewing at her thumb nail. Derek's words were still ringing in her ears...and she was afraid that he was right. She didn't say that, though, because that meant admitting things to Alex she could barely admit to herself. Instead, she just plastered on a smile and tried to enjoy the moment because for now, they were together and they were happy.

"Every day this feels more real," Alex continued, oblivious to Emily's internal struggle. "Every day I get a little bigger and it gets harder to ignore the fact that time is running out to make a decision." She paused, exhaled shakily before admitting, "I'm scared..."

"Of what?" Emily asked softly, almost reverently in the sterile silence of the medical office.

"That I'll be terrible at this..." she confessed. "That I'll look at this baby and want to keep it and then I won't be able to be a good mother. That I'll fail and prove my parents right."

"Oh, Alex, no..."

"But then I think what if I'm _not_ terrible? What if I do everything right and it's still not enough? What if _I'm_ not enough?"

Emily took hold of Alex's other hand – the one not already tightly clasping hers – and squeezed tightly. "Alex, you've _always_ been enough. Because you try and you care and you _love_. That's all that matters." She leaned in for a gentle kiss. Changing the subject, afraid that any further discussion might devolve into having to admit just how terrified _she_ was, she asked, "Aren't you excited to see the baby?"

"About fifty/fifty," she said with a nervous little laugh, "Half eager, half terrified."

"I'm glad I got to be here for this." She sighed then, at the way Alex looked up at her as if she'd hung the moon. "I'm sorry, you know?"

"For what?" Alex asked, brows furrowed in confusion over the sudden admission.

"For not being here for you. You have to understand, it's not that I don't _want_ to be here, but..."

"Emily, you have _nothing_ to feel guilty for, okay?" she said adamantly. "This is my choice and you have no obligations – you owe me nothing."

She couldn't help but well up a little. "Alex, I love you more than anyone, but...God, I'm so afraid of hurting you again. I don't think I could live with myself if you let me into your heart again and then I break it."

"Em, I'm not asking you to be perfect, all I want is _you_ ," Alex insisted. "I don't care what's happened before, I just want to more forward. Together."

"How do you not care? After everything..."

She shrugged. "Because I love you."

There were so many things she wanted to say in that moment, but she didn't get the chance before the doctor came in, forcing her to swallow her words and her emotions lest they come spilling out and ruin what should be a happy moment for Alex.

"Good to see you again, Alex," the doctor greeted, immediately proceeding to take Alex's blood pressure. "How have you been feeling?"

"Better," she confirmed. "Doctor, this is Emily, my..."

"You must be Alex's sister," the doctor interrupted, shaking Emily's hand briskly before glancing at the blood pressure measurement and writing the number in her chart.

"Oh, no, I, umm..." she stammered. She looked over at Alex, unsure whether she should correct the doctor.

"She's my girlfriend," Alex corrected.

The doctor raised a brow as she glanced down at Alex's chart. "I'm sorry, I assumed you had a boyfriend. You seem a little young for IUI, but..."

Alex's cheeks reddened and she looked down at her sock feet where they dangled several inches off the floor from her spot on the exam table. "It, umm, it wasn't _consensual_ ," she mumbled, not specifying what _it_ was. Emily clasped at her hand, brought it up to her lips to kiss her knuckles in a silent gesture of support.

The doctor nodded, but didn't comment further on the matter. "So, are you ready to see your baby?"

Alex suddenly looked nervous at the prospect, so Emily answered for her, "We're ready." She kissed Alex's forehead as she lay back and pulled up her shirt.

Moments later, the hoofbeat sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room. Alex caught Emily's gaze, her eyes filled with tears, unable to form words.

Emily, for her part, understood completely. She offered Alex a genuine smile. "That's your baby," she whispered, almost unable to believe this was real. She had never seen an ultrasound before and, though she couldn't have explained it, it took her breath away. "Oh, wow..." she breathed as the baby wiggled, turned to face them. "Alex..."

She nodded, swallowed thickly. With her free hand, she wiped away her slowly building tears.

A sob escaped Emily's lips then as they watched the baby bring its tiny hand to its mouth and start to suck its thumb. She clapped a hand over her mouth. "I want this baby," she whispered, voice muffled by her hand.

"Wh-what?" Alex whispered.

"I know it's stupid and I can't explain it, but...if you want me to be there, to help you raise this kid, that's what I want. But if you've changed your mind..."

She shook her head insistently, her eyes pleading. "Emily, I can't do this without you – I know I have no right to ask this of you, but..." She let out a shaky breath. "I need you, Em."

"I just..." she sighed. "I don't want you promise you something I'm not sure I can give – I mean, I already fucked up once before, how do I know I'm not going to do it again?"

Alex nodded slowly, eyes full of understanding. "We're both kids, Em. I get that. And we'll probably both fuck up. More than once. But if you want this to work as much as I do, I have no doubt that we can do this. Together."


	33. Chapter 33

"Is this really how you want to spend our last day together?" Emily asked skeptically. She always said she'd do anything for Alex, but she wasn't sure she wanted to do _this_...

"No," Alex admitted. "But you're going back to DC and who knows how long it'll be before you get back and I could really use a friend right now who knows what I'm going through." She batted her lashes, worked up a pleading smile, knowing that Emily was powerless to resist her.

Emily sighed dramatically. "Dammit, Alex...why'd you have to use the puppy dog eyes? You know I hate yoga," she whined, pouted.

She smiled triumphantly. "I love you," she said sweetly. "I'll make it worth your while," she added, hooking her fingers in Emily's belt loops and pulling her close.

Emily fixed her with a raised brow. "Your hormones are crazy out of control right now." She paused to kiss her. "Now that I'm complaining, of course."

"As much as I'd love to indulge right now..." she insisted, kissing her way down Emily's neck before reluctantly pulling away, "We have a yoga class to get to."

* * *

Emily mopped the sweat off her brow with the hem of her tank top. "I don't know about you, but I'm fucking _exhausted_ and I could really go for..." She trailed off, seeing that Alex wasn't listening.

Instead, she was intensely focused on a couple across the room that looked to be about their age. The guy rubbed his palm across the girl's belly before leaning in for a kiss, looking for all the world like a happy expectant couple who just happened to be teenagers.

"You should go talk to them," Emily said, gently elbowing Alex, bringing her back to awareness.

Alex shot her an incredulous look. "And say what?"

"You said you wanted a friend," Emily reminded her.

"I know, but what if they don't like me?" she asked. She'd never been very good at making friends in the first place and now, being pregnant out of wedlock, she was more self-conscious than ever.

"Alex, we came all the way here so you could make friends," Emily pointed out, " _And_ I'm starving, so I'm going to go over there and introduce us."

Reluctantly, Alex followed her as she approached the couple, anxiety and awkwardness curdling her stomach.

"So, what did she bribe you with to get you to come today?" Emily asked the guy, smiling to show she was only joking.

"I did it because I love her and my kid," he said seriously, but was very obviously trying to quash a grin.

His girlfriend rolled her eyes. "I hid his X-Box controllers," she said, unamused. "Kristy," she introduced herself, "That's Matt."

"Emily."

"Alex." She chewed her lip for a moment. "Are you, umm... I mean, do you... How..." She shot Emily a pleading look, begging for her help.

Taking pity on her, Emily asked, "Do you have time to grab a coffee? We don't know many people who know what we're going through and could really use some friends."

* * *

"How far along are you?" Alex asked between bites of pie – lately she'd been craving anything and everything sweet and was currently inhaling the remainder of Emily's slice of strawberry rhubarb after having demolished her own.

"Almost thirty weeks," Kristy said, rubbing her belly where the baby had its feet pressed against her side. "And _so_ ready for it to be over."

Alex shook her head. "I want this little guy to stay in there forever because I'm so not ready for what comes next..."

"You're keeping it, then?"

She nodded. "Assuming I don't panic and change my mind in the next five months." She laughed nervously. "Some days, I think I must be crazy for going through with this."

Kristy nodded her agreement. "That's what everyone told us, but we saw her beautiful face on the ultrasound and just knew she was ours."

"So, do you know what you're having?" Matt asked.

"Not yet," Emily said, "But I have a feeling it's a boy."

"Matt's still disappointed ours isn't a boy," Kristy whispered conspiratorially.

"The next one will be," he insisted, patting her belly

"Next one!?" Kristy asked incredulously, smacking his hand away. "You'll be lucky if you ever get close enough to try creating a _next one_..."

Matt rolled his eyes. "At least you two don't have that problem," he said to Emily and Alex.

Alex's eyes went wide and she stammered uncomfortably for a few moments, not sure if that was intended to be a jab at the fact that she wasn't with the baby's father and having no desire to explain to relative strangers how she'd ended up pregnant in the first place...

" _Matt_ ," Kristy hissed, "You can't just say things like that!"

"Sorry," Matt said, sufficiently chastised. "I just meant..."

"They know what you meant."

Eager to change the subject before Alex could break down from the threat of tears shining in her eyes, Emily asked, "So, Kristy...are you planning a natural birth or..."

"God, no!" she interrupted. "I don't want to feel a _thing_ – epidurals were invented for a reason."

Emily glanced over at Alex with a raised brow. They hadn't actually discussed the matter yet. There were a lot of things they hadn't figured out yet, Emily was starting to realize, and they were slowly running out of time.

Alex, though, knew immediately. "There's no way I'm letting anyone put a needle in my spine," she said firmly. "That sounds worse than labour to me."

"If you ask me..." Matt started.

"No one wants your opinion on childbirth," Kristy interrupted. "Your only contribution was the inability to pull out."

Emily snorted with laughter. Sipping the last of her milkshake, she glanced at her watch, sighing at the late hour. "Well, I've got a flight back to DC in a few hours," she lamented. "Are you planning to go to next week's yoga class?" she asked Matt and Kristy.

They nodded.

"Do you think you could check in with Alex, make sure she's alright?" she asked. "Just so I know she has a friend..."

"Of course," Kristy agreed, already plugging her number into Alex's phone. "I need someone to complain about Matt to..." she added teasingly.


	34. Chapter 34

"I can't believe you really convinced your mother to let you move to Nashville," Derek said yet again. Above them the bell chimed as they entered the store.

"Well, I wouldn't use the word 'convinced'...or 'move'...or 'let'." She shrugged as if the matter were simply out of her hands.

"Well, what _would_ you call it?" he asked, amused by her lackadaisical affectation.

She made a dramatic show of pretending to think about it. "More like...lied to her about a summer internship at the State Legislature. She thinks I'll be coming back in September, so that'll be a fun surprise for her..."

"Don't you think she'll come looking for you? I mean, I'm pretty sure if I went to another state and just never came back, Mama would fistfight the Devil himself to bring me home."

"Well, the difference is that your mother would do it out of love, mine would do it out of spite." She waved his concerns away dismissively. "I'll write her a letter telling her not to come. I'm sure the news that I'm raising my lesbian lover's unplanned out-of-wedlock child will make her disown me or at least piss her off enough that she won't want to see me until I'm twenty-one and don't have to care what she thinks."

He just shook his head, then before their conversation could devolve into an episode of Dr. Phil, he gestured to the nearest display case. "Shall we?"

As they stared through the shatter-proof glass, surveying the contents, Emily suddenly seemed to lose the nerve that had propelled them to the store in the first place. "Am I crazy?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered immediately. "But why specifically?"

"For doing _this_ ," she expanded with a wide gesture at the store while deliberately ignoring his teasing jab.

"In that case, no," he changed his answer.

"Really?" she asked, surprised. "You're like the most anti-commitment person I know."

Before he could answer (likely in the form of a scoff and a correction that he wasn't _anti-commitment_ , he just wanted to explore all the options), the store clerk approached. "Can I help you two?" he asked, straightening his very formal silk tie.

Emily gestured to the nearest case, attempting to seem more confident than she really was. "Can I see these ones?"

He brought out the velvet display. "You two look awfully young to be shopping for an engagement ring," he commented, looking between her and Derek with a raised brow

"Oh, we're not..." she stammered, taking a stutter step to the side, putting distance between her and Derek. "We're not together. He's just a friend."

"Oh. I apologize." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "So, which of you is the lucky one planning on popping the question?"

Suddenly fearing the man's judgement over the fact that she was young and gay, Emily stammered, "I'm picking out a gift." She didn't elaborate further.

The sales clerk nodded and, when no more details seemed forthcoming, he gestured to the velvet display of rings and said, "Feel free to try them on. We can resize anything if you find something you like in a different size."

As he turned to help someone else, Emily turned to Derek. "You were about to tell me why I'm not crazy?"

He chuckled. "Em, you love Alex more than any teenager has loved someone else. You remind me of my Mama, the way she loved my Dad. They were soul mates, just like the two of you. Of that, I have no doubt. So, yeah, maybe it's a little crazy to get engaged at seventeen, but I guess love is a little crazy."

She smiled shyly. "I'm going to miss you, you know..."

"I know," he confirmed. "I'm basically your only friend."

"Shut up," she scoffed. "I've changed my mind – I _won't_ miss you."

* * *

Emily was packing up the last of her clothes, her phone on speaker. "How was your doctor's appointment today?" she asked. "Did you find out if it's a boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to wait until you were with me," Alex replied. "The little bean wasn't cooperating anyway – kept mooning the doctor and refusing to turn. I think your voice makes the difference."

Emily couldn't help the smile that crossed her lips. "That reminds me – Derek got a gift for the baby. A copy of _Sun, Moon, Stars_ by Kurt Vonnegut. I can't wait to read it to the little guy...we'll be reading _Slaughterhouse Five_ by preschool."

Alex laughed. "I can't wait."

Emily tossed a folded sweater into her suitcase. "So, did you go to yoga class? I know you weren't all that eager to go by yourself..."

"I went. I felt totally self-conscious, but it went really well. Kristy and I went out for lunch afterwards and talked about placentas and cervical mucous."

Emily nearly choked on an inhale. "What did Matt have to say about that?"

"He was at work," she said. "It was nice to have a chance to talk about stuff with someone who gets it, you know?" She paused, realizing that might have sounded ungrateful. "Not that I don't appreciate everything you're doing, it's just...she knows from experience."

"I get it," Emily agreed. "I'm glad you have her."

"She invited us to this birthing class she goes to, which I know isn't really something you'd be all that eager to attend..."

She crinkled her nose in distaste before remembering that Alex couldn't see her. "Not my first choice, but I definitely think we should go – I think it's important that you know what you're doing when the time comes."

"You'll really come with me?" Alex asked seeming surprised.

"Of course!" Emily insisted. "This is my kid too and if I'm going to be at the birth, I want to be able to do everything I can to help you through it. I'm totally and completely committed to this. All of it. Even the discussions about mucous plugs..."

Alex couldn't help but laugh a little. "You didn't even gag when you said that..." she said, "I'm impressed."

"If that doesn't show commitment, I don't know what does..."


	35. Chapter 35

"I was doing some Googling today..." Alex started the conversation. She wasn't looking at Emily as she spoke, suddenly seeming incredibly interested in the crib she was considering.

Considering that time was quickly running out, they'd decided to go shopping for baby furniture. They wouldn't have much to spend until Emily's trust fund kicked in – and she was taking online classes to try to speed up the process of graduating to make that happen sooner – so they were relying on second-hand stores and hand-me-downs.

"Uh-oh..." Emily said in a stage-whisper. Nothing good ever came from Alex unsupervised on the internet with too much time on her hands... Ever since she'd officially graduated from her online classes, she'd been working herself into a panic over unlikely pregnancy complications and birth defects she came across on the internet.

Alex looked up from the crib and shot her an unamused look. "I'm being serious," she whined.

She held up her hands in supplication. "Alright, I'm listening."

"Apparently, statistics say that eighty percent of teenage couples who have a baby don't end up getting married. Granted, they're all straight couples, but still... The odds are against us staying together once the baby comes," Alex said. She shrugged as if the matter were completely outside her control, like they had no choice but to break up.

"They also say that less than half of girls who have a baby before eighteen won't graduate high school," Emily countered, "And you've already proved that statistic wrong. And you're going to totally demolish the statistic about getting a college degree before..."

" _Emily_ ," she interrupted with a pointed look. "There's a _reason_ these couples don't last. What if this is too hard? What if it's not everything you think it's going to be? What if, a few months down the road, you miss your freedom and your friends and high school? What if you start to resent me and the baby and..."

"Not going to happen," she vowed, refusing to so much as entertain the possibility.

"How?" Alex demanded. "How do you know that? How can you tell me with absolute certainty that you're _happy_ to give up your freedom and your time and your money and your _sanity_ to raise a baby that's not even yours?"

"Because I'm committed," Emily said with a shrug, as if it were just that simple. "I've made it this far, haven't I? I moved to Nashville for you..."

"This is the easy part, though," she pressed. "The part without the poopy diapers and the spit up and the crying all night long. The part without colic and purple crying. Not to mention the seventeen years after that."

Emily sighed, trying to make sure it didn't come off as annoyed. "And I get that, I really do, but we are different – _I_ am different – than the stupid teenage boys those statistics are based on. I don't have any delusions that this is going to be difficult, but I'm not scared, okay? I'm not."

"But I am!" she finally burst out. "I'm terrified! I am so used to having everything controlled down to the tiniest detail and right now, everything is so fucking far outside of my control and it's _scary_!"

Emily nodded slowly, understanding finally dawning on her. "Okay," she said softly. "Okay." She rested one hand on each of Alex's shoulders, forcing her to meet her eyes and said firmly, "Marry me."

"What?" Alex rasped, feeling like all the air had suddenly left her lungs and she couldn't breathe. She kept her eyes locked on Emily's as if studying them for any sign that this was all some kind of joke.

Emily dug around in her pocket, pulling out the ring she'd picked out. (Alex had always said she didn't like flashy ostentatious rings and Emily had obviously taken that to heart, choosing a ring that looked like tree branches wrapped into a circle, holding a small simple diamond.) For a moment, she stared down at the ring like she couldn't believe she was really doing this before meeting Alex's eyes. "This isn't at all how I planned on doing this," she prefaced the proposal. "I was going to do something sweet and romantic and probably a little cheesy and get down on one knee while I told you everything I love about you and how I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I think you really need this right now. So, even though it's totally crazy and probably the least romantic timing possible...I want you to marry me."

"Emily, I..." She trailed off, at a loss for words. For a few moments, she gaped like a fish out of water, struggling to form any kind of coherent thought in the face of her complete and utter surprise.

"We don't have to rush into anything or get married any time soon," Emily rambled, "But I already know this is what I want and I want you to have the ring and know that I mean it when I say I want a future together. A future with this baby and maybe a few more, if that's what you want when the time comes. A future where I work three jobs to pay for you to go to college and our kid to go to private school. A future where we might have to live with your brother for awhile which isn't exactly romantic, but..." She trailed off, took a shaky breath, offered a nervous smile.

Alex continued staring down at the ring like it was the first time she'd ever seen one, still struggling to form a coherent thought.

"It's too soon, isn't it?" Emily said, doubting herself then as the silence continued on, waiting for Alex to say something, _anything_...

"Probably," she admitted, but she couldn't stop the smile that blossomed across her lips. "But yes, I'll marry you."

Emily could finally breathe again then, surging forwards to kiss her as if her very life depended on it.


	36. Chapter 36

"What do you think you're doing?" Alex asked around a yawn as she entered the kitchen, wrapping herself in Emily's favourite fisherman's sweater.

"Making breakfast for my fiancee," she replied merrily. She dropped a pat of butter into the frying pan with a satisfying sizzling sound.

"I don't think so," Alex denied, hip checking her away from the stove and taking the frying pan from her hands.

"Why?" she asked, pouting. "I wanted to do something nice for you..."

Alex gave her a pointed look. " _Because_ last time you 'cooked' for me, you nearly blew up your mother's house."

Emily rolled her eyes. "'Blew up' is a little strong – there were barely even any flames."

"Regardless, I think we'd like to get the security deposit back on this place. Why don't you leave the frying part to me and you can prepare the batter?"

"Fine," Emily conceded. "But sooner or later, you'll have to let me cook..." It came off sounding more like a threat than a gentle suggestion.

Alex just giggled as she scooped pancake batter onto the frying pan.

Emily came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her, hands resting on her belly. She pressed her lips to Alex's neck, hummed against her skin. "You were so sexy last night," she murmured.

Part engagement celebration, part hormone-induced insatiability, they'd made love late into the night (rather loudly at that...). Sometimes, Emily found it hard to believe that the timid shy girl she'd deflowered on prom night was the same girl she'd made scream last night...but she certainly wasn't about to complain.

Alex sighed contentedly as Emily's hand wandered along her hip, her lips travelling along her neck. "Em..." she rasped, voice husky. She wasn't sure whether it was a plea for her to continue or to stop, lest they get caught.

"I'd have you right here if it weren't for..." she started to promise.

"Morning, Lovebirds," Danny greeted before she could finish the thought.

The two girls jumped apart at the interruption, both blushing furiously. "Morning, Danny," Alex mumbled, voice warbling, betraying her attempt at nonchalance.

Emily cleared her throat, avoided Danny's gaze, moving to mix up more pancake batter in the hopes of avoiding any discussion about what he'd just interrupted. "Pancakes?" she offered.

"Not if you're making them," he said.

Alex set a plate on the table in front of him. "Don't worry, I have no intention of learning that lesson the hard way."

"So..." Danny said, mouth full of pancakes, "I was thinking I'd swing by the hardware store and pick up some sound-proofing..." He looked up, giving them a pointed look.

Alex gave a little squeak, whipped around to look at Emily, at a loss for words.

Emily knew her cheeks were about six different shades of red. She should have seen this coming, given how loudly Alex had been screaming her name last night...not that she'd been all that concerned in the heat of the moment.

Danny seemed to enjoy their discomfort for a few moments before he started laughing. "Relax – I know you two sleep together. Didn't need to _hear_ it, but..." He smirked. "So, what's the occasion?"

Alex and Emily shared another look, this one a smile.

"We, umm, we got engaged..." Alex said, eyes locked on Emily's.

Danny's brows show up his forehead in surprise. "Congratulations," he said, genuine but still shocked.

Emily was filled with the sudden need to explain herself, to justify herself. She gave Alex a significant look, silently asking for a moment alone with her brother. Understanding perfectly, she excused herself, leaving the two alone.

She cleared her throat again. "I'm sorry," she prefaced the rest of the conversation. "I should have asked for your blessing before I proposed... I know how protective you are of her. To be fair, though, I wasn't _planning_ on proposing so soon."

He nodded thoughtfully for a moment, seemingly debating the best way to ask the question that was obviously at the forefront of his mind. "Why are you doing this?" he asked. There was a pause. He seemed to realize that had sounded a little harsh, so he rephrased, "I know you love her, but I'm just worried you're making a lot of promises you can't necessarily keep..."

"This isn't just a whim," Emily said seriously. "I'm not rushing into this; we're young and I get that, but I don't have any doubts about this. I've put a lot of thought into this and I'm confident that this is what I want."

"Can you guarantee that, though?" he pressed. "Can you promise that a year from now, ten years from now, you're still going to feel the same way? Because Alex might understand if you change your mind, but that little baby isn't going to..."

"Trust me, I know. I grew up without a father and that changed me. I would never want to put a kid through that." He still seemed doubtful, so she continued, "I'm under no delusions – I'm fully prepared for this to be difficult, for us to argue and say things we don't mean and to piss each other off sometimes. But that's part of being in a relationship. But at the end of the day, we love each other and that's what matters. That's what will get us through this."

He nodded slowly, seemingly preoccupied.

"I know you just want her to be happy," she whispered. "I think I can make her happy. And that's what I want to do. For the rest of our lives."

Danny smiled then. "I know you do. But, like you said, I'm protective of her. I trust you, though." He stood to wrap her in a friendly hug. Once she was close, he whispered in her ear, "I think it's my brotherly duty, though, to say that if you hurt her..."

She couldn't help but laugh as he trailed off. "Duly noted."

Alex's voice called from the hallway then, "Are you two done? Because I'm eating for two and we're both starving..."


	37. Chapter 37

"I don't want to go..."

"Why not?" Emily asked. She was only half paying attention as she braided her hair away from her face, glancing at Alex's reflection in the mirror behind her. "Your brother said he's got a surprise for us."

" _Because_ ," she said with a pout, "Look at me!" She gestured to herself with a dramatic flourish of her hands.

It was only June, but it was already incredibly warm in Nashville. Warmer than they were used to, living in DC. And, though she wasn't usually the sundress type, Alex had been forced to relent and buy a few loose flowing dresses that would accommodate her belly (reluctant though she'd been to set foot in a maternity store for fear of the sales clerk judging her).

Glancing over her shoulder, Emily did as asked. "I _am_ looking, Alex – you look beautiful as ever." (She, at least, thought Alex was adorable in her new sundresses.)

"No, I don't! I look like a whale!"

"Alex, you're being ridiculous," Emily insisted. "You're almost eight months pregnant, of course you're a little bigger, but you're _not_ a whale."

"Oh, so, now I'm enormous _and_ ridiculous!?" she demanded.

She heaved a sigh. "For fuck's sake, Alex, I didn't say that!" A split second later, she realized that she'd just shouted at her emotional heavily pregnant fiancee. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell – please please stop crying..."

Sniffling, Alex dropped onto the bed. "I used to be small and cute and didn't wear jeans with an elastic waistband! Now I can't see my feet and I waddle instead of walking and you can barely stand to look at me!" She let out a sob, the clapped a hand over her mouth to keep further sobs from escaping.

"Alex, no! You're gorgeous and I am _so_ lucky to have you, you know that, right?"

"You have to say that," Alex muttered, refusing to believe the sentiment.

Emily knelt down in front of her, resting her hands on her knees, thumbs stroking the sensitive flesh of the inside her her thighs. "Do you want me to prove just how much I mean it?"

"You don't have to do that..."

Before she could protest any further, though, Emily's hand had wandered up her thigh, shifting her dress up around her hips. Her thumb brushed against Alex's clit, making her gasp sharply in surprise.

"Em, what are you...?"

"Showing you how beautiful I think you are..."

* * *

By the time Emily had brought Alex to orgasm (twice) and they'd both finished getting dressed, they were nearly twenty minutes late (and Emily couldn't say she was all that broken up over it). The bar was already crowded, in spite of the fact that it was barely two in the afternoon. (The bar allowed minors in until five, which was good because Alex didn't own a fake, in spite of the fact that Emily had offered to procure her one.)

Alex attempted to climb onto the bar stool, but her burgeoning belly made the effort fall short. She tried again, failed. " _Emily_ ," she whined, pouted.

Emily tried not to giggle. "What seems to be the problem, babe?" she asked, playing dumb, like she hadn't been watching her attempts in amusement.

"My problem is that you're laughing at me," she grumbled, "That's not helpful fiancee behaviour..."

Hands on Alex's hips, she gently guided her onto the stool, pausing to steal a kiss. "So, did your brother say what the big surprise is?"

"No idea," she admitted.

Their question was answered when Danny emerged onto the stage, approaching the mic, guitar in hand. "Hey, everyone, my name's Danny Miller," he introduced himself with an awkward little wave. "I'm going to play some songs I wrote for y'all."

A polite smattering of applause rang out from some of the bar patrons.

Emily turned to Alex. "Did you know he was playing here?" She knew that Danny was playing guitar for some band, but she didn't realize that he was doing open mic nights and playing on his own as well.

She shook her head. "I didn't even know he was writing his own songs..."

Clearing his throat, Danny positioned his fingers on the neck of the guitar, strummed it once, then announced, "This first song is really special to me – I wrote it for my sister and her special someone as they prepare to become parents."

* * *

After Danny's set, he made his way over to Alex and Emily where they were sitting at the bar. He looked unsure of himself, of their reaction. He gestured to the bartender behind them who pulled a pint from the tap.

"So, what did you guys think?" he started to ask after a healthy swig from the glass.

He didn't quite manage to finish the sentence, though, before Alex launched herself (as much as she was capable of _launching_ in her current state anyway) into his arms. "Oh, Danny..." she choked out. "That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done!"

"I don't know about that," he said with a shrug, even as he returned her enthusiastic embrace. "I just strung some words together."

Pulling back, Alex fixed him with a serious look. "No, it's so much more than that – the fact that you support me, support _us_ , means more than you could possibly know." She glanced down at her belly. "Baby was kicking up a storm while you sang, so I think you've got a fan."

He laughed, patted her stomach. "You've got a little country fan in there."

"Not if Emily has anything to say about it," she joked.

"Hey!" Emily interrupted. "Just because I had a goth phase doesn't mean I can't appreciate country music..." She hugged Danny then. "Thank you," she whispered by his ear. "I think she really needed that today."

"I didn't just do it for her," he replied, voice soft enough that only she could hear. "I know I gave you a hard time, but you're family now too."


	38. Chapter 38

"She is _precious_!" Emily declared, gently rocking the little baby. "I just love her."

Swaddled in a blanket speckled with rainbow coloured stars, Rose Mary blinked up at Emily with blue eyes that would undoubtedly darken as time went by. Her shock of hair stood up in all directions, not unlike Matt's own hairstyle, the father-daughter resemblance uncanny.

Kristy absolutely glowed with maternal pride as she watched Emily cradle the baby. Matt had his arm wrapped around Kristy's shoulders, unable to take his eyes off her. He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "She did a pretty great job baking that little cupcake," Matt agreed.

Kristy blushed, turned her head to steal a kiss.

"You _are_ such a cute little cupcake," Emily confirmed, leaning down to kiss one chubby baby cheek. "Yes, you are!" She tickled the baby's tummy.

"I want to hold her," Alex pleaded, reaching for the baby, having waited her turn as long as her limited patience would allow.

Emily giggled, passed the baby over, mindful of her head. "Her maternal instincts have been in overdrive lately," she explained as Alex stared in awe at the little bundle in her arms. "Every baby she sees, she _has_ to hold."

"Hello, Rose Mary," Alex cooed. In response, the baby gurgled, a little stream of drool spilling over her bottom lip. Alex smiled, dabbed at the spittle with a burp cloth.

While Alex cuddled the baby, Emily asked Kristy, "So, how was your labour?" She knew that, if she weren't currently so preoccupied, Alex would have been very curious about what to expect from her own labour.

"Get comfortable," Matt warned, "It's a _long_ story..."

"She was breech at the thirty-six week appointment," Kristy explained, ignoring Matt. "Little troublemaker refused to cooperate and turn no matter what I did. The doctor started talking about a C-section and I really didn't want that, so I agreed to try a version."

Emily's brows knit in confusion. "A version of what?"

"Basically, they give you a drug to relax the uterus, then physically turn the baby head down. And let me tell you, it fucking _hurts_! But it worked, so there's that." Kristy smiled as Alex continued to lavish attention on the baby. "After two weeks, I started having pre-labour and Matt freaked the fuck out."

"Hey!" Matt protested. "I didn't _freak out_...I was concerned a perfectly normal amount."

She rolled her eyes. "No, you just overreacted for the next three days." She winked to show she was only teasing. "Then my water broke in the middle of the night and I spent the next fifteen hours getting to six centimetres when they'd let me get the epidural. I don't remember much after that."

" _I_ remember," Matt interjected. "She cursed like a sailor until Rosie came out wailing like a little banshee." He glanced at the baby, smiled. "Best day of my life."

* * *

"Hey, Alex, I just got back from the store with the..." Emily called to the apartment at large as she shut the door behind her, arms laden with bags from running to the store to cater to Alex's latest craving. When she didn't get a response, she struggled through the hallway and into the living room where she found Alex staring wide-eyed at the blank TV screen. "Everything okay? You look like you just saw a ghost..."

"I just, umm... I mean, I started... I watched the birthing video Kristy sent me," she stammered.

She raised a brow. "How was it?"

" _Horrible_! Awful. Disturbing," Alex listed.

"That bad, huh?"

Alex shook her head vehemently. "Worse. I _cannot_ do this, Em! I can't go through with this. The baby will just have to stay in there forever!"

Emily crossed the room, setting down the groceries as she went. She took Alex's hands in hers. "Okay, I know it's scary, but remember that at the end of it, you'll get to hold your baby in your arms for the first time. Won't that all be worth it?"

"You didn't see that video!" she snapped. "The size of that baby's head... The way it came out her... And the _tearing_... Emily, it's impossible!"

"It just seems that way now, but when the time comes, I know you'll handle it like the strong, powerful, capable, amazing woman you are."

She shook her head again. "Nope. Because I'm not doing it," she maintained.

"Okay, what is really going on here?" Emily asked gently. "Because not that long ago, you were talking about natural childbirth and no epidural and hypnobirthing...what changed?"

"I spent this whole time thinking about the giving birth part, but I have no idea what comes next – I've never taken care of a baby before... I don't know how to breastfeed, I've never given a baby a bath, I can barely even change a diaper! No one in their right mind would leave me alone with an infant!"

"I'm pretty sure they teach you those things in the hospital," Emily said, rather dismissively.

Alex huffed. "Would you _please_ take this seriously!? We've got _maybe_ eight weeks before the baby gets here and I'm a complete moron when it comes to literally _everything_ about a baby's well-being!"

Emily held up her hands in supplication. "Why don't we take a class?" she suggested. "One of those parenting classes they offer at the hospital..."

She raised a brow. "You mean one of those classes where everyone is going to be in their thirties and will look down their noses at the knocked up teenager?"

"I'm sure they won't..." she started to insist, but quickly thought better of it at Alex's unamused stare. "Well, I guess we could ask Matt and Kristy to show us," she tried again. "Or there's always Youtube..."

Alex nodded, thoughtfully silent for a moment. Eventually, she quietly mumbled, "Sorry..."

"For what?"

"For being so grouchy and disagreeable."

Emily laughed softly, kissed her cheek. "You're forgiven. It's good practice for when you're in labour and shouting obscenities at me," she teased.

Rolling her eyes, she retorted, "I'll be shouting them with love."


	39. Chapter 39

"Honey, I'm home," Emily called to Alex as she kicked off her sneakers, having just gotten back from a run. She tossed her iPod onto the table and was on her way to shower and change, but stopped in her tracks when she caught sight of Alex.

"Umm...do I want to ask what you're doing or...?" She trailed off deliberately, leaving the question open-ended.

"Trying to encourage Baby to get into the head down position," Alex replied as if it should be obvious. "I'd really prefer to avoid having to have someone _physically_ _turn_ the baby, if I can at all help it and Google said this is the best way."

"You really need to stay off Google," Emily insisted, shaking her head even though Alex couldn't see it. "You're going to drive yourself crazy."

She affixed Emily with an irritated look as best she could manage from her position – a makeshift Child's Pose with her butt up in the air – and retorted, "It was a _medically-cited_ article..."

Emily knew better than to say anything in response, unless she wanted to sleep on the couch that night. "How long do you have to stay like that?" she asked, settling on the floor next to her head.

"Half an hour," she said with a heavy sigh. "I really should have thought this through and turned on Netflix or something."

"Do you want me to read to your belly?" she offered. They'd been trying to spend at least a few minutes everyday reading to the baby in the hope that their voices would be recognizable outside the womb. (So far, the baby's favourite book to listen to seemed to be _The Paper Bag Princess –_ especially when Emily would holler, _"HEY DRAGOOOOOOON!"_ Baby was not, however, a Vonnegut fan, much to Emily's chagrin.)

"You're just hoping that Baby will like you better," Alex teased, "That's why you always volunteer to read..."

She shrugged, winked, then turned to the bookshelf to pick out Baby's next read. Splaying herself out on the floor, head resting next to Alex's belly, she opened up her selection and started to read, _"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."_

* * *

" _'I beg your pardon, I haven't asked for anything!'_

" _'Yes, you have! Twice now. My pardon. I give it to you. In fact I will go so far as to send you on this adventure. Very amusing for me, very good for you – and profitable too, very likely, if you ever get over it.'_

" _'Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you.'"_

She was in the middle of reading when all of a sudden, Alex burst out, "He's kicking up a storm. I think he already has a favourite parent..."

Emily grinned, moved her head to kiss Alex's belly. "Smart kid."

"I think I've decided on a name," Alex said, completely off topic. "Assuming it's a boy, as you insist it is..."

"It _is_ ," she maintained.

Alex just shook her head, smiling softly. "How do you feel about Ethan? I figured that it sounds good with either of our last names, if and when we decide to get married," she said with a shrug and a shy smile the way she always did at the mention of getting married one day.

"I love it," she confirmed. She opened her mouth as if to say something more, but didn't get the chance before Alex rushed to interrupt.

"I want you to pick out the middle name."

She raised a brow, surprised. "Really?"

"Of course," she insisted. "It's your baby too."

She bit down on a smile. "I actually had a name picked out for future use," she confessed. "I came up with it when I was like fifteen and it's suitably geeky, so you have to promise not to judge me too harshly... And it's totally okay if you don't like it because it _is_ geeky."

Alex stared at her expectantly, waiting for her to blurt it out.

"Ethan Tolkien Miller," Emily announced.

She couldn't help but laugh a little because – like she'd said, it was geeky. "I love it," she said when her laughter died down. Emily looked dubious about that, based on the laughter. "I'm serious!" she maintained. "It's adorable."

Emily blushed a little then. "He stands no chance of being cool with us for parents, does he?"

"That's what his uncle is for..."

"Ethan," Emily addressed Alex's belly seriously. "Just remember, _I'm_ the cool Mom."

Alex snorted with laughter. "Don't listen to her, Ethan!" she called out. "She's just as bad as me!"

Gasping as if offended, Emily reached up to tickle Alex's side. "That's not true and you know it. Admit I'm the cool one!"

She shook her head, trying to hold back laughter from being tickled. "I'm not going to lie to our son..." she maintained.

Taking care to be gentle, Emily playfully tackled her to the floor (if you could call it tackling when it was more like _easing_ her onto her back), Emily straddled her thighs. "Say it," she demanded, smirking. "Say it!" She pinned her wrists beside her head so she couldn't squirm out of her grip. "Say you're nerdy."

" _Never_!" she said. " _You_ named our baby after a man who invented languages for fun..."

"Well, you do crosswords for fun and time how long it takes you," she retorted.

"On our first date, you made a joke about Kilgore Trout," Alex replied, looking awfully proud of herself that she had a comeback ready.

Pouting, Emily pretended to be upset, whining, "You promised you'd never use that against me..."

"You forced my hand," she teased. "Now let me up – I have to pee and you _stink_."

"Not until you kiss me."

" _Fine_..." she said as if it were a chore. When their lips connected, she couldn't help but smile into the kiss. "Our son stands no chance," she murmured against Emily's lips.

She had to disagree, though she didn't say it out loud, because she knew their son would have the one thing neither of them had ever gotten from their parents: unconditional love.


	40. Chapter 40

It had taken a bit of convincing – mostly because at eight months pregnant, Alex was reluctant to go anywhere at all, least of all somewhere that required being on her feet – but Emily had gotten her to agree to go on one last date before the baby arrived.

"Next summer, we can bring Ethan," Emily said brightly as they wandered, hand in hand, though the zoo. She couldn't wait for all the firsts they would get to witness – first steps, first words, first Halloween and Christmas, first trip to the zoo... The closer it got to the due date, the more excited she was getting.

On the other hand, the closer it got to the due date, the more filled with dread Alex became. No matter how many times Emily reassured her that she was more than capable of coping with labour, she still refused to believe it. (Which was part of the reason they were on a date in the first place, as Emily was hoping distraction would work better than reassurances...)

If she was listening to Emily's happy chatter, Alex gave no sign that she'd heard. She was busy fanning herself with the map of the zoo grounds. "It's too hot!" she griped. "Why is it so _hot_? Whose idea was it to be heavily pregnant in the middle of the summer?"

Emily tried not to laugh, knowing that Alex might never forgive her in her current moody state. "Why don't we go sit down in the shade?" she suggested, indicating a nearby bench.

Awkwardly lowering herself onto the bench, she groaned wearily. "Fuck summer," she said seriously. "I've never been so uncomfortable in my entire _life_!"

"I know," Emily assured her. She reached into her backpack and handed Alex a bottle of water which she greedily drank from.

"I'm so sweaty and gross," she continued complaining. "I think I might actually be melting." She fixed Emily with a stern glare. " _You_ can have the next kid..."

Emily bit down on a smile at that, at the idea of Alex wanting more kids with her, lest she mistake it as Emily laughing at her. "I know you're uncomfortable," she said, "But just remember that you only have a month at most left. Then he'll be here, in your arms. Just keep thinking about that, okay? Think about our first family trip to the zoo..."

She smiled softly at the thought. "What is it with you and the zoo?" she teased.

"My parents never took me to the zoo," she admitted. "If my son wants to go to the zoo, we'll go to the zoo every week..."

Alex cocked her head, reached over to stroke Emily's cheek. "You're going to be such a good mom," she murmured, then leaned in to kiss her.

Their lips had barely touched when someone nearby loudly scoffed. The two girls jumped apart at the sudden sound to find an older woman glaring at them. "Do you _mind_!?" she demanded. "This is a _family_ zoo!"

Emily bristled at the implication that they were somehow doing something wrong and she opened her mouth as if to defend herself, but she couldn't get any words out before Alex squeezed her arm, silently begging her not to start anything. With a huffy breath, she rolled her eyes, shook her head, deciding not to waste her breath on some homophobe. (Though, that didn't stop her from giving the woman the finger behind Alex's back...)

As the woman wandered away, dragging her children along behind her, muttering something about indecency and morals and sinners, Emily turned back to Alex to apologize, but instead found her silently crying.

"Why don't we go into the nocturnal exhibit?" she said, almost apropos of nothing. "It's usually a lot cooler in there. And darker." What she meant was, _No one will notice you crying_...

* * *

The nocturnal exhibit was more or less deserted as the doors swung shut behind them. Emily immediately wrapped Alex in her arms, quietly shushing her as she sobbed, rubbing a hand soothingly up and down her back.

"Fuck that woman, okay?" Emily said gently. "Who cares what she thinks?"

Sniffling, she pulled back to look Emily in the eye. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's just... _We_ chose this, we knew we'd be getting dirty looks and unwanted comments, but what about Ethan? He didn't choose this, didn't choose to have two moms. What happens when he's in school and kids find out about us? I don't want him to endure one single second of the shit that we've gone through."

Emily nodded, understanding completely. "All he's going to know is that he's _loved_ ," she promised. "I'm sure he'll get the occasional comment, but he's going to be so strong – stronger than I ever was – and he'll know that that person comes from a narrow-minded place of prejudice and that their opinion doesn't matter for one single second. Because he has two mommies who love him."

She looked like she'd very much like to believe that, but wasn't sure she could.

Emily rummaged in her backpack once more. "I was going to wait until later to give you this, but I think you need it now..." she said, handing Alex a wrapped package.

With one brow raised in curiosity, she peeled back the wrapping paper to expose a scrapbook. She glanced at Emily, a little in awe. "Did you make this?" she asked.

"Open it," Emily said by way of answering.

Slowly, she turned the pages to find that Emily had painstakingly decorated each one with pictures of the two of them, mementos from their dates, stories about their relationship. There were sonogram pictures and a log of dates he'd kicked or hiccuped and letters they'd written to him.

"Oh, Emily!" she said breathlessly, then threw her arms around her neck.

"It's not finished – I left room for all the milestones from his first year," she explained. "But I wanted you to have it now."

"You're going to be an incredible mother," Alex whispered before stealing a kiss.

"Almost as good as you," she replied, lips ghosting over hers.


	41. Chapter 41

**Friday, 3:00AM**

Emily was being jostled awake.

"Em..." Alex said, attempting to get her attention. "Emily..."

She grunted, mumbled something incoherent in her sleep-addled state, batted at Alex's hands. She rolled over, pulling the covers up over her head, obviously intending to go back to sleep.

Alex huffed, impatient. " _Emily_!"

"Alex," she whined, voice muffled by the blankets over her head, "It's the middle of the night..."

"Emily, I think my water broke," she interrupted her complaint.

She sat bolt upright in bed, suddenly wide awake. "Are you sure?" she asked.

Alex glared at her. "No, I'm not _sure_ , I've never done this before. But I stood up to go to the bathroom and there was definite _leaking_..."

"Okay, okay," she assured her. "Are you having any contractions?" she asked, palpating her belly to see if it had gone hard the way the doctor had said it would.

She shook her head. "No, but we have to go to the hospital," she insisted. She tossed Emily some clothes in a wordless indication to get dressed.

Yawning, she complied, pulling her pyjama top over her head and exchanging it for the T-shirt Alex had handed her. "Are you sure you're not in pain?" she asked.

"Not yet," she said, offered a shaky smile, obviously nervous about what was ahead.

"Hey..." Emily said, pausing her whirlwind dressing in the middle of pulling on her socks. "You're going to be okay. I promise. Just think of Ethan, okay?"

* * *

Three hours later, they were back home. It turned out that her water hadn't broken, she was just preparing for labour by – in the doctor's words – 'producing natural lubrication'.

Alex was a little disheartened by the setback, but glad to have a little more time to prepare. (Not to mention the fact that Emily got her donuts for breakfast.)

"Did she say how to tell if it's really your water breaking?" Emily asked, coffee cup clutched in her hands like a lifeline.

"She said it will continue to trickle and will smell sweet and possibly be pinkish," Alex explained. She thought for a moment, then added, "She also said it will probably be accompanied by the mucous plug falling out."

Emily gagged on the bite of donut she'd just bitten off. Forcing herself not to spit it out, she said, "I love you and want to be supportive, but I really didn't need to hear that while I'm eating..."

* * *

* * *

**Sunday, 11:15AM**

"What are you doing?" Emily asked, coming into the bathroom to find Alex curled up on the floor in front of the toilet.

"Dying," she declared, completely serious.

Glancing at her reflection in the mirror to pull her hair back in a ponytail, she asked, "And what would you like me to write on your tombstone?" When that failed to get a laugh out of her, Emily knelt down beside her, smoothed her hair away from her face. "Do you need a doctor?"

"Maybe..." she said, sounding pitiful. "I can't stop throwing up."

Emily hummed a note of concern, her palm coming to rest on her forehead. "You feel feverish – you might have the flu."

"Then I need a doctor," she insisted. "Google said that..."

"I'll call your doctor," Emily interrupted before Alex could rattle off the internet's scare tactics and work herself into an anxious frenzy. She stood to wet a washcloth, then dabbed at Alex's clammy face. "I'm sure everything is going to be okay." She kissed her forehead.

* * *

Alex sipped at her ginger ale, moodily staring out the car window as they drove back home from the hospital.

"At least we know that it'll happen soon," Emily said, trying to look on the bright side.

Apparently, flu-like symptoms were indicative of imminent labour. Of course, it didn't guarantee anything...which was part of the reason Alex was in such a sour mood. The doctor had run a few blood tests, checked her cervix, and quickly declared her not dilated and not suffering from the flu, then released her.

When Alex didn't respond, Emily continued, "You know what they say: third time's the charm, right?"

"You can stop trying to make me feel better," Alex said. "I'm in a pissy mood, okay? I think that's warranted, given the fact that I just had a _second_ false alarm..."

"I know, but just remember Ethan, okay?" Remember how much you love him and how wonderful it will be to hold him..." She reached over to squeeze her hand, pulled it across the centre console so she could kiss the back of her knuckles. "You're doing all this for him."

"I fucking _hate_ being pregnant..." she muttered, just loud enough for Emily to hear.

* * *

* * *

**Tuesday, 2:45PM**

Alex paced the apartment, one hand rubbing her belly, scowl firmly in place on her lips. "I am _so_ sick of being pregnant!" she griped.

"It's not much longer," Emily said gently. "He'll be here any day." She was doing her best to try not to aggravate Alex, given her tumultuous emotional state...namely _grumpy_.

"Oh, what do you know?" Alex snapped. "You've never done this before!"

She held her hands up in self-defence. "Sorry. I'm just trying to help."

"Well, if you really wanted to help, you'd have sex with me."

For a few moments, her mouth hung open slightly in shock. "What?" she asked, not sure she'd heard her right.

"Sex," Alex repeated, apparently _not_ kidding. "I want this baby _out_ and sex can induce labour."

She still seemed unsure, though. "Shouldn't we wait for it to happen naturally?" she asked.

"I want him _out_!" she repeated.

"I just..." She sighed. "I don't want to hurt you. Or him. Or bring labour on faster and stronger than it would naturally happen." (Apparently she'd been reading too many books on childbirth...) Why don't we try something else first? Like spicy food or dancing or something."

"Because I don't want to!" Alex snapped. "And if you were helpful and supportive, you'd do me a favour and... _do_ me."

"Couldn't you just...you know?" She gestured vaguely.

Alex glared. "If you don't want to help me, just admit you can't stand to touch me..."

Emily heaved a sigh. "Fine. If it'll put you out of your misery, I'll do it." She grabbed a fistful of Alex's shirt, pulling her close enough to capture her lips. Together, they stumbled backwards to bump into the wall, as Emily's hands travelled in a frenzied dance down Alex's body.


	42. Chapter 42

"Em?"

No response.

"Emily?" Alex shouted, louder, more urgent than before.

Still no response.

"Emily!"

"I'm in the shower!" she finally called back, a hint of exasperation in her voice. The last few days both of their tempers had been simmering just barely below the surface as impatience and annoyance grew the longer it took for labour to get started.

" _Now_!" she hollered.

Their attempts to kick-start labour had failed and Alex had been dismally disappointed. (Disappointed was putting it lightly...she'd cried for hours, though part of that was surely hormones.) Clearly, Ethan would come when he was good and ready – already stubborn like his mothers.

At the latest doctor's appointment, they had been cautioned that, in spite of the fact that the baby was head down, he was positioned high and floating, which put Alex at risk for a prolapsed cord if her water were to break in a gush of fluid. (It was probably also the reason they'd failed to start labour, considering he wasn't pressing on the cervix.)

Emily emerged from the shower, rather annoyed at the interruption. "What do you need?" she asked, plastering on a compliant smile because, in spite of being annoyed, she wasn't all that interested in pissing Alex off further. "I wasn't finished washing..." She didn't finish her complaint, though, seeing Alex's terrified expression. "What happened?"

"Call the hospital," she demanded, though her tone had softened into something small and scared. "Please," she added as an afterthought.

That's when Emily noticed the large wet spot staining the sheets. "Oh, shit," she hissed. "Did your water break?"

She nodded, fear shining in her eyes.

"Okay, okay..." she said, more to herself than to Alex. "You have to get on your hands and knees, like you were doing to turn him, okay?" When she hesitated, looking close to tears, Emily paused, cupped Alex's cheeks and kissed her softly. "Just focus on Ethan. Focus on our son, okay?"

She was doing her best to remain calm, in spite of the fact that her heart was racing, her stomach churning, her mind reeling. "She'll be okay, he'll be okay, they'll be okay," she repeated to herself like a mantra. "She'll be okay, he'll be okay, they'll be okay."

God, how she needed to believe that...

* * *

Emily pulled the car to a screeching halt in the ambulance bay, then sprinted into the ER. "Someone help me, please," she begged of the clerk working the admitting desk. "My girlfriend is pregnant and she might have a prolapsed cord."

A doctor followed her out to the car where Alex was still on her hands and knees in the backseat (and obviously barely containing her panic). "Okay, Alex," the doctor murmured, "I'm going to listen to the baby's heart rate to make sure there's no signs of distress. If there's no sign of distress, it's unlikely there's a prolapse."

Alex nodded, though she didn't seem entirely convinced. Emily went around to the other side of the car, climbing in the backseat to hold Alex's hands as the doctor listened for fetal heart tones with the portable doppler. She kissed the back of Alex's hands, smiled encouragingly.

After an agonizing wait, the doctor declared, "It looks like you're in the clear. We'll do an internal exam to be sure, but you can stop worrying."

* * *

"Have you heard from Danny yet?" Alex asked once the latest contraction subsided.

"Not yet, sweetie," she said apologetically. "But I called and texted that it was urgent. I'm sure he'll be here soon."

Once they'd been certain that there was no prolapse, the OB on staff had decided to start her on a pitocin drip to get things progressing, considering that she was thirty-nine weeks and they didn't want to risk an infection now that her water had broken.

Alex pouted. "What could he possibly be doing that's so damn important?" She bounced slightly on the birthing ball, moving about in the hopes of engaging the baby and progressing her labour.

"He's probably in the middle of a set," she assured her. "He'll see my messages as soon as he gets off stage."

She opened her mouth as if to protest, but was hit by another contraction. As she breathed her way through the pain, Emily knelt down behind her, pressing firmly against her lower back.

"Seventy-five seconds," Emily said with a glance at her watch once it had subsided. "You're getting there." When Alex said nothing, Emily came around to look her in the eye. "You're doing so good. I am so proud of you. I love you so much and I can't wait to meet our baby."

"I can't do this," Alex whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. "It's too hard..."

Emily squeezed Alex's knees. "You _can_ do it," she insisted. "You're going to bring him into the world – you're giving him _life_. That's incredible, _you_ are incredible."

* * *

After seventeen hours of active labour, a writhing, squalling infant slipped from Alex's body and was placed on her chest. For several moments, the world seemed to stand still as she met her son for the very first time.

"Ethan is here, Alex, you did it!" Emily cheered, pressing a kiss to her forehead. In that moment, her heart was so full of love for the both of them that she felt she might burst.

Alex let out a little sob, tears spilling down her face as Ethan squirmed about on her chest.

"Look at your son," Emily murmured, happy tears in her own eyes. "He's beautiful – he looks just like you."

"Hi, Ethan," Alex whispered, "Hi, baby boy..." She pulled her gown open to let Ethan root around in search of her breast.

They both watched in awe as he instinctively found her breast and latched on without any guidance, suckling eagerly.

"He's so smart already," Emily said with a watery laugh. She gently stroked the baby's head, already covered in a thick layer of brown hair. "We'd better start saving for college..."

Alex looked up at her with eyes sparkling with wonder at the fact that they were officially parents. Emily understood her silent awe completely and offered her a smile and a tender kiss.


	43. Chapter 43

There was a knock on the hospital room door, Danny peering into the room, brandishing a little gift bag and a bouquet of flowers. "Hello, Miller-Prentiss family," he greeted.

The little family of three was all cuddled together on the hospital bed – Alex had the front of her gown open, letting Ethan rest skin-to-skin on her chest, while Emily tenderly stroked the baby's back. Together, they looked for all the world like they'd done this before, entirely comfortable in their new roles as mothers.

Alex's face split into a grin at the sight of her brother. "Look, Ethan, it's your Uncle Danny!" Careful not to accidentally expose herself to him, she lifted the baby from her chest and wrapped him back in the little swaddling blanket.

"Can I hold my nephew?" he asked, approaching the bed. "My first nephew..." He settled on the nearby chair, reached for the baby.

Smiling tenderly, Alex passed him the baby. "Meet Ethan Tolkien Miller."

"Hello, Ethan," Danny cooed to the baby, folding him into his arms like he'd done so a thousand times. "Welcome to the world." He adjusted the baby's knit hat. "Al, he looks just like you..."

"He's gorgeous," Emily agreed, sharing an adoring smile with Alex. "They both are."

He rocked Ethan for a few moments, smiling with pride at his nephew. Eventually, he spoke up again, "I'm sorry for not being more helpful while you were in labour..."

When Danny had first showed up while Alex was in labour, he'd taken over for Emily in giving counter-pressure on her back and fetching ice chips. But as soon as Emily had tried to get some sleep (given the fact that it was well after midnight), Alex had lost her composure and started panicking. Danny had done his best to try to calm her, but eventually, he'd had to wake up Emily. He felt incredibly guilty over not being able to comfort her, but he'd done his best to help...until she moved into transition and then she'd kicked him out.

"It's okay," Alex reassured. "It's probably better that you weren't there when, you know, I was all exposed and everything."

He blinked a few times, not quite sure how to respond to that.

"Plus, you would've learned some new swears," Emily added, teasingly.

He laughed as Alex protested Emily's jokes about her new and expansive colourful vocabulary. "Anyway, I got you a little something..." He handed Alex the gift bag. "Well, technically, they're for _him_ ," he corrected.

Inside were two little onesies – one featuring a little chick with the words _'Hatched by two chicks'_ '; the other, in honour of his middle name, said _'What about second breakfast?'_. There was also a tiny pair of cowboy boots, in the hopes that he'd take after his uncle, at least a little.

Ethan started fussing then, squirming in Danny's arms like a little caterpillar in his swaddle.

"I think someone's hungry," Alex said, letting Danny hand the baby back.

"I'm so proud of you, Al," Danny said. "You're a wonderful mother. But I always knew you would be."

* * *

After two days in the hospital, they were allowed to go home.

Which is when their well-oiled parenting machine fell to pieces...

Emily had run out briefly to pick up more diapers and menstrual pads, but when she'd returned, both Alex and Ethan were crying inconsolably. "What happened?" she asked, dropping the bags to the floor and racing to Alex's side, suddenly worried something was seriously wrong.

"He won't stop crying!" Alex wailed. "Nothing I do makes him happy!" She was rocking Ethan from side to side, looking like she was holding a grenade with the pin missing.

"It's okay," Emily soothed, resting a hand on her shoulder to stop her frenzied rocking. "He's probably just colicky. Why don't I try soothing him for awhile and you can take a nap or shower," she offered.

Alex eagerly handed her the baby, then ran her hands through her dishevelled hair in frustration. "Why is he like this? He was so well-behaved in the hospital..."

"He's not doing it on purpose," Emily reminded her. She swayed and bounced with the baby, swayed and bounced.

"He _hates_ me!" Alex sobbed. She dropped onto the couch and hid her face in her hands as she cried.

Still swaying, Emily shook her head insistently. "He does _not_ hate you – this is just what babies do."

Ethan chose that moment to quiet down, which only made Alex sob harder. "See? He _does_ hate me! He's been crying all morning and you walk in and make him stop!"

Keeping her voice level and gentle, Emily explained, "It's probably because you're stressed and he can sense that."

"Of course I'm stressed! I have no idea what I'm doing!" She wiped away tears with the back of her hands, even as more streaked down her cheeks. "I _told you_ this would happen! I told you that I'm a baby moron and I was right!"

"That's not true, you're just exhausted," she soothed. "And remember what the doctor said about the hormone drop-off around this time?"

"I can't do this," she whispered. "I made the wrong choice."

For a long moment, Emily's mouth hung open slightly. "What?" she choked out.

"I shouldn't have kept him, it was foolish and selfish and..." She shook her head. "We should call the adoption agency or take him to a fire station or..."

Setting Ethan down in the nearby bassinet, Emily swept Alex into her arms. Stroking her hair, she murmured into her ear, "I don't for one single second believe that you made a mistake. You're just having a rough day, but it _will_ get better."

"How do you know?" she sniffled.

"Everyone else figures out how to do it," she said with a shrug.

Alex gave a wet little laugh. "That's true, I guess."

"Just remember that I'm by your side the entire time, okay? When you get too overwhelmed, too frustrated, too tired, I am going to be there to take over. You're never going to be alone in this."

"Promise?"

"With every fibre of my being."


	44. Chapter 44

"Good morning, Jo," Alex greeted, sing-song, carrying a tray laden with breakfast into the room. "Happy Birthday!"

Emily had never been a morning person and having an infant who woke all hours of the night hadn't helped that. Granted, Alex was breastfeeding, so she did most of the nighttime waking, but Emily was determined to do her share, so she took care of the midnight diaper changes.

Yawning, she pushed the covers away from her face to blink sleepily up at Alex. It took her sleep-addled brain a few moments to figure out what exactly was going on. "Did you make me breakfast in bed?" she mumbled.

The sticky sweet scent of syrup wafted off the plate in answer to her question

She nodded. "Ethan helped," she said, patting the baby's back where he was strapped to her chest, babbling away to himself and drooling a little on Alex's pyjamas.

"You didn't have to do this," Emily insisted, sitting up so Alex could set the tray in her lap. "You get up all night to breastfeed, you must be exhausted."

"Well, yes," she admitted, "But that has nothing to do with you. Besides, I was already up and it's your birthday and I really want to show you how much I appreciate all you do for Ethan and I. Especially changing diapers." She winked to show she was (mostly) teasing.

Emily smiled brightly, gesturing for her to come closer so she could kiss her properly. "I'm so lucky to have the both of you," she murmured. "This is the best birthday ever." She tousled the tuft of hair just poking out of the top of the baby wrap keeping Ethan in place.

Alex laughed. "It's just pancakes, Em. And, full disclosure, I used the pancake mix, so they're not even from scratch..."

She shrugged. "I wasn't expecting anything, given the fact that we have a two month old."

"You deserve way more than pancakes. You deserve the world." A hint of sadness flickered in her eyes at the fact that she couldn't give her that. "But, considering the fact that I barely have time to shower, let alone go to a store, this will have to make do for now."

"I've got you and that's all I need," she vowed.

Blushing, Alex nuzzled into her neck. "Hurry up and eat...we're not done celebrating," she murmured against her skin.

Emily laughed. "What about the little barnacle?" she asked around a mouthful of pancakes, gesturing to the baby.

"A feed and a diaper change should put him down for long enough," she said with a playful smirk.

* * *

Emily was kissing along Alex's throat, making her whimper, squirm. "Em..." she rasped, "If you don't let me finish feeding him, Ethan will never go down and neither will you..."

Reluctantly, she let up with her ministrations until Ethan finished, though not without complaining, "I can't wait until he sleeps through the night..."

Alex laughed, shook her head fondly. Once Ethan was settled in his crib, Alex pounced on Emily, making her squeal as she wrapped her arms around Alex's neck.

"Someone's eager..."

Alex laved her tongue over Emily's pulse point. "It's been over two months since we've done this," she said seriously.

Grinning lasciviously, Emily let her hand wander along the skin exposed by Alex's shirt riding up. But before she could slip her hand inside her pyjama shorts, her phone rang. With a groan, she rolled out from under Alex. "Hello?" she answered, annoyance clear in her voice.

"Hey, Princess," Derek greeted brightly. "Happy birthday!"

"It was about to be..." she muttered.

She could almost hear the waggle of his brows. "Interrupting something, am I?"

Refusing to dignify that with a reaction, Emily said, rather grumpily, "Why are you calling?"

"Can't a guy just call his best friend to have a nice _long_ chat about life on her birthday?"

"Not if he doesn't want me to send rabid dogs to feast on his testicles, he can't," she retorted. She opened her mouth to say something more, but instead a little squeak came out.

"Something wrong?" Derek asked.

"No," she insisted as Alex's hand slid along her bare thigh, slipping into her panties to seek out her clit. "I've got to go, but..."

"No, wait!" he interrupted. "I just wanted to see how you were doing, how the baby is..."

She huffed, squirmed a little as Alex's thumb worked her clit. "We're all great." She knew he wasn't going to be content until she filled him in, so she reluctantly continued, in spite of Alex's ministrations. "Ethan was born two months ago, a healthy seven pound, nine ounce loveable little troublemaker."

"And how's Alex?"

She let out a strangled gasp as Alex pressed two fingers inside her. "She's great, _really_ g-great..."

He chuckled. "I'll _bet_ she is," he teased.

Emily clapped a hand over her mouth to keep a cry from falling past her lips and alerting Derek to _exactly_ what was going on.

"Maybe one of these days I'll have to come out there and visit you," he rambled on as if completely unaware (though she strongly suspected he was, in fact, _aware_...). "I've always wanted to go to Nashville."

"Yeah, that'd be great," she agreed, trying to hurry him off the phone. Her hips were bucking against Alex's hand, trying to get more friction, more stimulation. "Listen, I've got to _g-go_..." Then, before he could protest again, she hung up the phone, throwing it down on the bed and letting the moans she'd been holding back come bubbling up.

* * *

As she came down from her climax, Emily turned her head to glare at Alex, the expression alone enough to make her burst out laughing.

"Sorry?" she said amidst the laughter, sounding anything but.

"You know he knows _exactly_ what you were doing, right?" she grumbled. "And he's never going to let me live it down..."

"You said you wanted to celebrate..." Alex said as if the matter were completely out of her hands, grinning with mischief.


	45. Chapter 45

Emily and Alex had debated who deserved to spoil the other on Mother's Day, both thinking that the other should be on the receiving end of the pampering...

Ultimately, they'd agreed that they could each get the other one gift and they'd do something as a family to celebrate. The original plan was to go on a picnic at the botanical gardens, but when the day arrived, it brought with it a miserable downpour, keeping them trapped inside all day.

Emily wasn't about to let that put a damper on their celebration, though, determined to make Alex's first Mother's Day special if it killed her.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked when she entered the living room to find that Emily had moved the coffee table aside and was laying down a blanket in the centre of the room.

Ethan was sorely displeased by the new furniture arrangement, though... At nine months old, he was always on his feet, pulling himself up using the furniture and cruising around the room. When she'd moved the coffee table aside, he had plunked himself down the middle of the room and yelled.

"Excuse me, sir," Emily said to the baby, picking him up. Turning to Alex, she informed her, "We're having a picnic."

"In the living room?"

"Yep." She crossed the room to drop a kiss on Alex's cheek. "It's your first Mother's Day – I'm not letting a little rain keep me from celebrating my beautiful, amazing, loving fiancee."

Blushing a little, Alex reached for the baby who had wound his pudgy little hand in Emily's hair and was tugging on it. "Happy Mother's Day to you too," she murmured. "How can I help?" She followed Emily into the kitchen.

"You can't," she replied simply. She was busy putting the last few items into the picnic basket (in spite of the fact that they'd only be ten steps away from the kitchen).

Alex gave her a skeptical look.

"I'm mostly finished anyway," she said. "And I didn't start a single fire when I made the grilled cheese..."

She just laughed softly. "Someone is trying to be Ethan's favourite," she teased. Ethan _loved_ anything and everything cheese since they'd started him on solids.

"I'm already his favourite," she retorted. "Right, Ethan? Say _Emya_..." she tried to coax the baby into saying her diminutive. (It was the Elvish word for Mommy, which seemed fitting, considering the boy's middle name...)

Ethan just hollered in her face, making the two of them laugh.

* * *

Ethan was happily gumming a teething biscuit, sitting in Emily's lap (and mashing cookie into her favourite jeans), and enjoying their so-called picnic as long as he had food within his reach.

"So," Emily asked, batting Ethan's busy – and sticky – hands away from her drink, "What do you think of being a mom so far?"

"I think I never would have made it this far without you..." Alex replied, smiling fondly at the two most important people in her life.

Emily scoffed, fixed her with a skeptical look. "You would so. But I would never have let that happen."

"That's what I love about you," she murmured. She tried to lean in for a kiss, but Ethan made it his business to get in the way.

Laughing, Emily shook her head. "He says the only person you're allowed to kiss is him..." She pressed a kiss to the top of the boy's head.

"You're lucky you're cute, kid," Alex informed the boy.

"Say, it's because I look like you, mama..." Emily instructed the boy.

He just blew a raspberry, spattering bits of gummed biscuit everywhere and making them laugh.

"Can I give you my present now?" Emily asked eagerly, unable to stand waiting any longer.

"I keep telling you that you didn't have to get me anything," Alex insisted one last time.

She gave her a pointed look. "And I keep telling _you_ that it's my job as your fiancee to spoil you..." Without waiting for further protests, she pulled an envelope out of the picnic basket and presented it to her.

Opening the envelope and spilling the contents into her palm, Alex found a series of photographs of Ethan. She gasped softly. "When did you have these taken?" she asked, flipping through the images.

"When you went to the prospective students event at the university," she explained. "Danny took the pictures and I tried to coax Ethan to smile." She shrugged as if it were no big deal. "Do you like them?"

"Oh, Em, they're gorgeous!" she said breathlessly. She paused on the last one, a picture of Emily holding Ethan, the little boy's head leaning on her shoulder, fast asleep. "This one is my favourite..."

"I didn't know he'd taken that one until I got them printed," she admitted. "But I'm glad he did."

Still grinning foolishly, Alex declared, "Okay, time for you to open your gift..." She pulled a thin folder out from the bookshelf where she'd hidden it. "I know it's not much, but..." She shrugged.

Emily opened the folder to find a thick stack of documents in legalese. Raising a brow, she looked from the documents to Alex in confusion. "What is it?"

She looked almost shy then. "You don't have to if you don't want to..." she clarified, "But they're documents for you to officially adopt Ethan. Granted, you'll have to wait until you turn eighteen, but I wanted to get the process started to surprise you."

Tears filled Emily's eyes and for several moments, she struggled to form words.

"You hate it, don't you?" she said.

"Alex, this is incredible!" she corrected, blinking back her tears. "He was always my son, no matter what, but knowing that you want me to _officially_ be his parent, that's..." She shook her head, at a loss for words.

Alex surged forwards to kiss her, ignoring Ethan's loud and vehement protests. "Of course I want that," she confirmed. "We're a family and one day you'll be my wife. I've never wanted anything more."


	46. Chapter 46

_Dear Scott;_

_I wasn't planning on writing this letter, but Emily convinced me that I shouldn't burn all my bridges just yet. (You'll notice, though, that I didn't include a return address however because I'm not certain you can be trusted...)_

_It's coming up on a year and a half since your nephew – Ethan – was born. He's the most amazing little kid you'll ever meet: sweet and smart and joyful. He's always got a smile on his face (and he never stops talking either)._

_Emily and I signed the papers so she could officially adopt him as a second parent. It will take a few months for the paperwork to go through the system, but we're a real, legal, official family now._

_We're making plans to get married in the next few years. Maybe by that time I'll trust you enough to invite you..._

_You may have already heard the news, but in case you haven't...Danny just got signed by a big record label. They heard him at one of his open mic nights and they're going to produce a whole album of his songs._

_I miss you, Scott. And I never thought I would say that... No matter what's happened between us, you're still my brother and you always will be. I wish things could've been different, that you could've accepted me for who I am, that we could still be close. I hold out hope that one day we can be again._

_The truth is, though, I don't need anyone in my life that can't fully and completely accept me and my family. Unorthodox as it may be, Emily and Ethan are my everything and..._

Alex was startled in the middle of a sentence by Emily resting her hands on her shoulders and leaning in to press a kiss to her neck. "What are you writing?" Emily murmured against her skin.

"I'm attempting to write a letter to my brother...but certain fiancees keep distracting me and making it extremely difficult to concentrate," she replied.

Seeming surprised, Emily echoed, "You're reaching out to Scott?"

She shrugged, almost shyly. "I thought about what you said..." she admitted. "It's not about me – there may come a day that Ethan will want to know his family and I don't want to have to tell him that I'm the reason he can't."

Emily nuzzled her neck. "You're a good mother," she whispered.

"What about you?" she asked, "Are you going to contact your mother?"

Emily gave a nervous little laugh. "I'll think about it," she conceded.

Realizing then that it was unusually quiet, Alex asked, "Where's Ethan?"

"He's in his room thinking about why we don't bite Emya," Emily said darkly.

"He _bit_ you!?" she asked incredulously. "Why?"

She shrugged. "Why do toddlers do anything?" she mused.

Alex just shook her head. "And _you_ think we should have another..."

"I didn't mean _now_ ," she said with a roll of her eyes. "Besides, you're going to be far too busy studying..." She produced a thick envelope emblazoned with the University of Tennessee logo emblazoned across it from behind her back.

Alex gasped sharply. "Is that...?"

"You got accepted!" Emily cheered.

Laughing, Alex tossed the letter aside to take the envelope in reverent hands. "This is really happening?" she asked, in awe.

"It's real," Emily assured her. "You're a college student! I'm so proud of you!"

Embracing her, Alex murmured, "We're really doing this, aren't we? We're making this work..."

"Of course we are. That's what family does."


End file.
